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Does anybody remember me?

(26 Posts)
DaughterDrowningInJunk Sun 30-Oct-16 10:43:30

I didn't go back to my old thread because I find it really embarrassing. I just wanted to come here and explain what has happened in the last 24 hrs. I have a huge bag of outgrown clothes for the clothing bank. Most of them are new because they were too small when they were given to the DC. One of my other rellies has told my parents I am "throwing out" all these new clothes and it's back to how ungrateful I am again.

I am not grateful for "gifts" of clothes which are far too bloody small, especially when I am then meant to keep them forever despite them being of no use to us whatsoever. I should keep them and treasure then and marvel at the generosity shown.

It is clear to me that she believes she retains the title to any gifts given.

Got a lecture on how they are never buying me anything again, which can only be a good thing going by the stuff which has been purchased up until now! What has struck me is the subtext of withdrawal of love. I don't believe for a minute that they love me, but the threat is always there. If you do this, we will never do that for you again. If you dare to stand up to us we will cut you loose.

Oh, and I have bought a saucepan! Haven't used it yet as we can't bear to spend any time in our house. Still no cutlery.

IlPorcupinoNilSodomyEst Sun 30-Oct-16 15:05:58

Hi DDIJ, I remember your old thread, though I just followed it (lurked, but that doesn't sound very nice!). I'm sorry to hear you're still having problems - how did they know you were chucking clothes? Can you point out to your mum that the clothes don't fit, so there's no point in keeping them yourself, does she know anybody who needs them or you,will spread the joy by handing them on to charity?

TBH this would drive me mad and I'd be delighted if they'd bugger off and leave me alone, so wouldn't worry too much about offending them.

How's the house in general? Can you keep on at it, to make it a lovely home for you and kids to enjoy? Get thee to Asda, lovely 16pc sets of cutlery for less than a tenner.

Leeloo2 Sun 30-Oct-16 15:40:20

I remember your thread and also followed it for ages. Well done you for continuing to get rid of stuff. It's a shame rellies had to get involved and feed back to your parents. Can you try to get rid of stuff without anyone knowing (even your kids knowing if it's them who are 'telling' on you)?

My mum is a million times better than your family, but still buys more than we can house. Often saying 'oh I knew dc would love it, you can 'lose' it after a while if you won't. Which is great, but everyone knows it's not that easy when you have kids!

Btw, what happened with your wardrobe in the end? I hope you managed to lose it, or make it workable for you.

Cagliostro Sun 30-Oct-16 15:45:54

Oh good lord they are still completely batshit ducking crazy aren't they.

Well done for the progress you've made - out with the crap and in with the stuff that you actually need. Baby steps, you will get there!

AdoraBell Sun 30-Oct-16 15:51:19

Sounds like my ILS.

keep going, don't let them drag you down.


GrendelsAunty Sun 30-Oct-16 15:51:52

Hi DDIJ, I was thinking about you the other day. I'm glad you're still making progress.

cozietoesie Sun 30-Oct-16 17:06:47

They'll never buy you anything again?

That would be a result! grin

Sadly, I doubt it will happen.

ohdearme1958 Mon 31-Oct-16 06:01:03

DDIJ, I read your post and it prompted me to have a look at your other thread. I don't even know what to think of it all apart from saying the whole thing sounds horrendous and I'm sorry life is so hard for you.

Is there anyway you can send the 'gifts' back to the people who gives them to you and the kids if you disposing of them in other ways angers them?

If you are NC/LC I assume that means you don't see much of each other so how do the gifts reach your house? There must be loads of them being given at a time. Do they just appear by courier or do you find them left on the doorstep in bags and boxes?

And It's horrible to know you havent used your new saucepan yet because none of you can stand to be at home. Where do you all go? It's going to be really cold soon and staying out will be miserable.

On another thread you said you were being investigated by various agencies. Did that all work out in your favour?

It all sounds awful and I hope today is better for you brewcake

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Mon 31-Oct-16 06:11:32

I remember you!

I agree with coziesmile

Bagina Mon 31-Oct-16 06:21:50

I remember you too! Keep getting rid of anything that's useless. They're not going to change. This is how they are. Don't try and get the stuff back to them, just keep charity shopping. Someone will really be benefitting from them. Why no cutlery? How has progress been in general?

MissMargie Mon 31-Oct-16 06:41:18

How does the rellie know about this stuff.

Do you have a car - I would put bin bags in the back of the car at midnight so no one knew.

Iamdobby63 Mon 31-Oct-16 10:17:12

Please carry on doing what you are doing... taking control. Do not let others who don't appear to have your best interests at heart stop you, sadly some people do feel superior by keeping others down and dependant.

Put the bag in the car and drive it to the bank, on your way back pick up some cutlery. Two jobs done!

DaughterDrowningInJunk Tue 01-Nov-16 10:23:26

I haven't made any progress for months and months because I have had other more pressing issues to deal with, and they are still not resolved.

I do own a set of cutlery but it is is the £1.50 set from Ikea that we used to use for camping. I want to splash out and get myself a decent set that I can add to, but I am still overwhelmed by guilt at the thought of it. Everything is too good for the likes of me.

I have bought a few things for the house and for me. Turned into a total spendthrift. I have not bought any stuff for the house recently as I have now realised that this will never feel like a home for me. My heart sinks when I put my key in the door, and I am overwhelmed with guilt. I bought a small appliance out of sheer neccessity a few weeks ago, and it is working well. I have a feeling of impermanence. I retained the packaging from the item, initially because I wanted to check the thing worked, but then I was seized by this idea that I would have to sell it and would need the packaging. I can't describe it. I have binned the box this morning, and I don't want you to all think that the clutter in the house was caused by me retaining packaging. It wasn't.

It is impossible for me to settle in this place. Even though the lounge room is ok-ish now, I won't go in there. If I am in I am in my room. Never move from this one spot. I looked forward so much to moving in and it has just been a nightmare. I go and sleep on a friends sofa whenever I don't have the DC. I often sit in the car for hours outside because I can't bear to come in.

I have a big court case comimg up, which is going to be expensive as well as stressful. Something has also gone very wrong i the house and there need to be repairs. This is nothing to do with the clutter either, but I am feeling terror at the thought of letting anyone in to repair it so we are just carrying on for now.

I was on a thread the other day urging somebody to leave her husband, but now I find myslef regretting leaving because my living circumstnaces are so uncomfortable.

Something seemingly unrelated to my situation happened that at first seemed funny but now is creepy and I wanted to nc and post about that for advice but I have a feeling the thread would go very wrong.

CountessOfStrathearn Tue 01-Nov-16 10:51:42

I read your initial thread and just wanted to say well done for the things that you have managed to do. All sounds very, very hard. You do deserve the good cutlery and I hope you can get the stage when you can buy it and enjoy it.


ohdearme1958 Tue 01-Nov-16 12:29:07

DDIJ, that was a really harrowing read and I'm sorry life is so hard for you. What struck me is that you do genuinely seem unwell. Could you visit your Drs and tell him exactly what you've said here?

The thread you want to start. Could you start it and if it goes wrong ask for it to be deleted. Perhaps post it in 30 days.

You do deserve new cutlery. And you certainly deserve a good nights sleep in your own bed.


DaughterDrowningInJunk Tue 01-Nov-16 13:05:35

I feel utter misery. All my life my parents have said they only want me to be happy, but I've just realised they don't. They want to keep me in my place. I have a ticket for an event I want to go to but I can't go because I can't get a babysitter. The girl I was going to get to babysit ages ago, I never got around to it, and she has moved away now.

I don't want to make it sound like I have a fear of having anyone in the house or anything like that. It is more that my mum has forbidden me to have anybody in. She was in tears when she found out I had had a friend in for 5 minutes once. I had another friend helping me but my mum doesn't know about that. I have a group of people coming to help me shift things next week as I have had a flood and ceilings are down.

I was just thinking this morning, as there was lots of stuff in the news about leaving kids alone, as an 11 -15 yo I was left alone with tradesmen in the house while my parents were working, so I would be making cups of tea for them and all that. If I could deal with all that quite confidently then, but now I am trying to find someone from outside our area so that my mum doesn't find out about the damage to the house. She will find a way to make it my fault. Clearly I did NOT deliberately cause any flooding, NOR did I leave a tap on. The source of the damage would make that obvious to anyone, but I know if she gets wind of this she will pin it all on my supposed negligence. So that adds more expense and more complication.

Meanwhile, a child who is related to us committed what is technically a crime and was told off by a neighbour. There was no loss or damage to property, and there was no malice but (I don't want to say what the crime was!). My mum was on about the neighbour not being very nice to him, and I was saying what he did was illegal. She was maintaining he had an absolute right to do this thing. She will defend everybody else to the end but I don't get any slack cut for me. None of us have ever met this boy, btw. All the information comes second, third, or fourth hand.

cozietoesie Tue 01-Nov-16 15:52:37

You're her hobby. It's controlling you and your family that is her reason for getting out of bed in the morning.

Have you been to the doctor at all?

DaughterDrowningInJunk Tue 01-Nov-16 19:34:39

No, I haven't. I was never away from the doctor when I had low iron but I have managed to get my iron up which has given me more energy. I am reluctant to go to the doctor for various reasons

1) If I am depressed, and I don't actually feel depressed, it is because of my family situation and not because of a "chemical imbalance".

2) It has been her lifetime's work to have me sectioned. She mentions weekly getting me locked up in our local psychiatric hospital.

3) If I do go to the doctors some fucker always tells her they have seen me in the waiting room or in the chemist. In August I had to go away unexpectedly and they were desperate to get into my house. When I got back a number of packets of contraceptive pills were missing from my bedroom.

4) She had a sister in law who was hospitalised almost 60 years ago with PND. The treatment was horrific. My mum still goes on about it (not how awful the treatment was), and blames the poor SIL's parents for "trying to cover it up". My mum seriously thinks they should have made an announcement. This is her big thing. Making announcements. It is a Narc thing to not wash your dirty linen in public (hey - this is housekeeping! See what I did there?) and that is why this is such a powerful tool for her - threatening to tell everyone!

5) I saw a counsellor briefly as a teenager, ostensibly due to something else, but all the sessions were about my relationship with my parents. After each one she would interrogate me "what are you saying to the man? It must be awful if he wants to keep seeing you". Ever since I was 13 or 14 this has been a massive stick to beat me with - "you're mental anyway" whenever I express an opinion.

My best friend was sectioned at one point and they are always accusing her of God knows what. I was subject to my mother telling me how wonderful somebody (who again, she has never met) was, recently, and I dropped into conversation that she, too, had been an inpatient in this wonderful facility. That shut her up pretty sharpish, and she has never mentioned the woman's name again. I am so ashamed of myself for telling her that. But everybody knew. My mum only didn't know because she doesn't know the person.

I am just pissed off I suppose that she is the narc, I am the victim, yet I'm the one who has to get labelled mentally ill and get treatment because she treats me like this.

My friends are pretty switched on. As I mention, best friend has been an inpatient. Another friend is a psychiatric nurse. Another works with mentally ill people on a daily basis in a very hands on capacity. None of my friends think I am showing any signs of mental illness. I do discuss my situation with them a lot, and they all reckon I am ok.

I hope all that doesn't sound too negative.When I'm out and about everything is great. I hate my house and everything it represents. I will probably never be able to afford to move. I don't think any pills are going to help that.

cozietoesie Tue 01-Nov-16 19:48:16

It's not the house itself that's the problem is it, though? I think you're going to have to take this one to the Relationships board, I fear - e.g. the Stately Homes thread which you already know. It's not really a Housekeeping issue.

It's her.

RandomMess Tue 01-Nov-16 19:56:35


You have done well to keep going! I feel for you so much I so wish I lived near enough to come and take all that stuff away and dispose of it ethically for you.

It is her, all about her having control over you sad


TwinkleMumsie Tue 01-Nov-16 20:00:22


MissMargie Wed 02-Nov-16 05:51:15

You could have a skewed view of depression and taking anti-depressants due to your DM's attitude. I have friends and family taking anti-depressants, or who have taken ADs it's what you do if you have anxiety or depression. You aren't a failure if you take them, nor do you get a medal if you don't.
I'm not a medical person but in your situation I would definitely have an honest talk with my GP and explain everything and see what they say. An outsiders view of everything would be a good idea.

Ditsy4 Wed 02-Nov-16 06:45:27

I agree go to your GP as there is lots of help other than anti Ds however small doses can be helpful.
I don't know how to bring up your other thread to read but it sounds like you have had a very difficult time.
As regards the clothing return it to the sender ( your parents? ) and just say that they didn't fit. Then they can give them to someone else. Maybe th eu are upset by them going in clothing bank could you ask them if they want them back or would they have a preferred charity shop to send them to?
I know some people put the well worn grot in clothing banks because they get sorted for rags and charity but perhaps this is why or a misunderstanding.
If you don't like living there and your parents are a problem could you move away or would that be too difficult at the moment? As I haven't read previous threads I don't know the situation. Could you go and talk to someone for support and help? There used to be a group called Contact A Family which provided support I imagine they are still going. Something like that where you get someone to talk to and some practical help could offer you support and keep the relatives at arms length.
It really sounds like you ought to make a long term plan to move right away from your mother if she is saying all those things to you. I know it wouldn't be easy but if you make it a long term goal it might help you now. Don't tell any of the relatives though as it sounds like they are causing some of the problems by running back to tell them.
Lots of support on here by the looks of things. Sorry you are having such a tough time flowers

NotCitrus Wed 02-Nov-16 08:13:03

Aw poppet. Glad you have friends to talk to.
Keep on buggering on. You'll get to a happier space.

ohdearme1958 Wed 02-Nov-16 09:43:32

DDIJ, that all sounds horrific.

Sometimes we can think we understand ourself so well that we do ourselves a great disservice by wrongly thinking we best. And I think this is what you're doing. But, I also think you are so terrified of living up to your mums opinion of you that you'd do anything other than admit that perhaps life has got you against the ropes and you aren't very well.

I dont even know where to begin with everything else you've written because to be honest you just don't sound well at all and for me the important thing is that you're encouraged to go to the Dr and let them decide whats going on with you.


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