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I've just employed myself as my own secret cleaner

(215 Posts)
Clare1971 Mon 08-Feb-16 13:51:22

I am very slovenly when it comes to housework, despite reading every book/magazine/blog/mumsnet forum on the subject. Bizarrely, our house has got worse since I stopped working full time. I spent a few hours last week looking at forums and not cleaning to find out how long a cleaner would need to do our house and what they charge. Came to conclusion that 3 hours a week would do it but that really, I should just do it myself. I began to mention this to DH but he jumped straight in with 'We don't need a cleaner, I'll do more'. (He used to do more when we both worked full time.) Anyway, I got a bit arsey at him banning me from having a cleaner and argued the case. So then, because actually we don't ban each other from things, he said, well, if you want a cleaner go ahead and get one but leave me out of it. So today, while he was at work, I put on a really silly headscarf, set the timer and cleaned for three hours. Then I put the money I'd earnt in a pot. When he comes home tonight, he'll think a cleaner has been and when he asks, I'll remind him that he didn't want anything to do with it and will refuse to discuss it. I plan to be my own secret cleaner until he rumbles me. I've booked myself for next Monday morning. Turns out I quite like being a secret cleaner - I spent a lot of time hoiking up my judgey pants since me and my family the family I clean for are really quite gross. Please tell me I'm not certifiably mad.

Chocolatecoin Mon 08-Feb-16 13:53:32

Honestly, I think it's pure genius! Fabulous idea and I'm tempted to do the same x

Jenda Mon 08-Feb-16 13:53:48

As a po faced individual, i rarely laugh out loud at things I read but this had me chortling. Brilliant idea, I might do the same myself!

Scoopmuckdizzy Mon 08-Feb-16 13:54:18

That's a superb idea. I'm liking it a lot. Use your hard earned wages on a nice treat!

liquidrevolution Mon 08-Feb-16 13:54:22

Bonkers but totally fab!

I would love to do this grin

PhoenixRises Mon 08-Feb-16 13:54:24

How much are you charging? I really like this idea!

SewSlapdash Mon 08-Feb-16 13:54:30

I think it's quite funny and clever. If you're happy to do it and you have time, why not?

I wonder how long it will be before you have to start disciplining the cleaner for slacking off and missing cobwebs though? wink. Or before she stops turning up at all, with no notice?

browneyesblue Mon 08-Feb-16 13:54:58

Love it!

LastOneDancing Mon 08-Feb-16 13:55:35

Ha! Love it!

I REALLY hope your cleaner has a name... d tell.

BloodyDogHairs Mon 08-Feb-16 13:56:35

Haha grin

StewardsEnquiry Mon 08-Feb-16 13:56:57

I think this is brilliant. Really truly inspired.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Mon 08-Feb-16 13:57:16

Ohhhhhhhh..... now that's a bloody good idea!

<books self for tomorrow am>
<realises 3hrs for first visit might be a bit short>

RudeElf Mon 08-Feb-16 13:57:30


I love it. I am a cleaner but sometimes i make myself be my own cleaner at home and pretend i'm at work with a set time, otherwise i procrastinate and get distracted and do fuck all. Dont pay myself though, there's an idea! Could save up for something nice.

BloodyBloods Mon 08-Feb-16 13:58:15

You shouldn't have posted that OP. Someone will come on here and report you to HMRC wink

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 08-Feb-16 13:58:58

That's absolute genius! I'm taking a leaf out of your book.

Pigeonpost Mon 08-Feb-16 14:00:44

I became my own not secret cleaner a couple of weeks ago after sacking our actual but quite shit cleaner. I felt she had been taking us for a ride and I wanted to prove just what I could do in the three hours we were paying her for. I didn't bother with a headscarf but I gave myself exactly 3 hours with no break and my word, the entire house was sparkling for about 2 hours until the kids came home. I proved to myself that a) I wasn't being unreasonable asking her to clean the whole house in 3 hours and b) she had been taking me for a complete ride given how little she obviously actually did. I did it again the following week, again I was amazed by how great the house looked. The week after that my enthusiasm was waning and I did upstairs one day and then downstairs the next, that was still ok. Today, I couldn't even muster up the motivation to do that so have spent about an hour and half cleaning the toilets and the kitchen and hoovering the whole house. House is not sparkling. But I don't care. I am now looking forward to when we get a new cleaner...

Buttercup27 Mon 08-Feb-16 14:00:49

This is a brilliant if not completely bonkers idea ! I'm going to do the same and use it as a way of saving up for a treat. A bit like a child's reward chart. If I do x amount of cleaning a week I get y reward!

MsMims Mon 08-Feb-16 14:01:16

Haha, that's brilliant OP grin

Pigeonpost Mon 08-Feb-16 14:01:50

PS. DH did say that he would 'pay' me the money we spend on the cleaner. But he hasn't yet... Maybe that would improve my motivation!

AlpacaLypse Mon 08-Feb-16 14:02:05


I make it bang on 2 by my watch. I reckon I've got time to earn £6 by half past!

Decanter Mon 08-Feb-16 14:02:37

Love this! I think you're on to something OP!

NoMilkNoSugar Mon 08-Feb-16 14:02:40

I'm laughing because last week I had the same thought, l decided I would work two hours on a Monday. It went really well and I cleaned, then stated sorting the garage and ended up doing three and a half hours. However this week, the cleaner needs to be fired as she/I has made myself comfortable on the setter with a jar of nutella and a spoon.

Lweji Mon 08-Feb-16 14:03:53

I hope you're paying yourself holidays too.

Bippityboppityboo67 Mon 08-Feb-16 14:03:53

Brilliant but did you offer a cuppa?

purplepandas Mon 08-Feb-16 14:04:52

Love it!

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