Drowning :(

[coveredinsick]

My house is a fucking tip. I don't know where the hours go. I sit down from about half 8pm because frankly I need my wind down time or I would bloody explode. I have a 6 yr old, 4 yr old and 6 wk old and I can't seem to keep on top of things. I can feel myself becoming down because I just can't seem to get anywhere. My eyes are actually watering whilst typing this :( I sit down in the day only to feed my 6 week old son who has a bug at the minute and is feeding sporadically and puking all over himself when he's had a bit, or leaking out the other end. I have changed his outfit 5 times today. I'm so busy but I don't know what I do as the house is just getting worse and worse.

How do I catch up? Any useful tips would be greatly appreciated. I've been wanting to do my ironing now for TWO hours but newest child is not in agreement, taking it in turns to cry, poo, feed and then be sick. I've been meaning to do it actually for a week. A bloody week. And to top it off today I've been told I'm feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I am, other people seem to do it no probs.

[notnowbernard]

Have a virtual gin

Seriously, sounds a mare - 3 DC, all small, new baby who's sick... Cut yourself some slack

Could you pay someone to do your ironing say for the next month, until baby is settled?

Do you have a DP?

[Thetimes123]

Who cares about housekeeping, I think this should be posted in patenting as you are doing 100 times better than me and that's with and without having children.
(My house is wipe your feet on the way out)

[lapsedorienteerer]

In the grand scale of things it doesn't matter, just concentrate on getting through the next feed/bedtime or whatever .

[Bluecarrot]

Give yourself a break! 3 young children is hard enough, but one being ill just triples the work again.

Ironing is not essential. As long as you can get a simple meal on the table, and everyone has clean clothes, put your feet up and snuggle your sweet baby. When they sleep soundly, have some good food and do bare minimum housework.

[rootypig]

Do not iron. Ironing is not essential at the best of times.

What is essential is food of some sort, clean clothes, cleanish beds and cleanish bathroom. That's it.

Do you have a DP? where is he? did he tell you you're feeling sorry for yourself? first order of business, tell whoever who said that to you to fuck right off.

[coveredinsick]

Thanks. My mum has offered to do it but i feel like I should be doing it with being on maternity leave, just feel like a bloody failure. I'm just going to have to try and get past that and let her do it. Yes I have a partner, I don't think he gets how I'm feeling at all. He's the one that said I'm feeling sorry for myself. Mess doesn't bother him though and he isn't in the house as much as me as he works and goes gym 4 nights a week. He's not a bad person for not understanding, I find it extremely hard to explain my feelings so he is probably oblivious.

[christinarossetti]

Yes. Is there a dp about?

[shakinstevenslovechild]

I would leave doing ironing for a start. Iron as you need it for now.

I would probably aim to keep one room reasonable at the minute, rather than the whole house, at least there will be a space for visitors and for you to relax in.

I got some great advice here about keeping a cleaning 'pack' in the bathroom, and just giving it a very quick wipe down once ir twice a day, it makes a massive difference for minimal effort.

I clean in 10 or 15 minute bursts, I am not a naturally tidy or organised person but I find this works well for me.

Most of all give yourself a break, you have a tiny baby, they are bloody hard work, if you manage anything over and above getting out of bed and getting dressed then that is a massive achievement. It will get better.

[HumphreyCobbler]

yes, I never iron anything. DH does his own shirt in the unlikely event he needs one.

You have three children, one of whom is ill and six weeks old. Whoever said you were feeling sorry for yourself would more usefully have done the bloody vacuuming or the ironing and kept their mouth shut.

I can say from experience that it gets better as my third child is now seven months. As far as the house goes, get some big tubs to throw toys into, wipe the bathroom and kitchen with disposable wipes and get a friend to come and give you a hand holding the baby whilst you have a go at the bits bothering you the most.

I would say fuck the housework but as it is bothering you to be in chaos that may not be useful..

[HumphreyCobbler]

sorry I cross posted. Gym four nights a week when you are struggling sounds a bit over the top to me. He could be helping more. Your baby is ill and six weeks old!

[RandomMess]

Ditch the ironing, it costs money so is bad for the environment and dangerous when the older dcs are around.

With a 6 week old I too think your expectations are a little high.

Routine with washing & drying clothes is important. We used to do a load per day and nappies every other day. Hang the clothes straight on to hangers after a gentle spin and leave to dry - no ironing required and quicker to put away.

Basic tidying and cleaning, meal making. That is a fair bit of work with school runs and 3 dc including a baby.

[christinarossetti]

Oh I've just seen that there is and he's in the gym 4 nights a week. Plus working out of the house, I assume?

With a 6 week old baby and 2 other children? Seriously? No way should one party get 4 nights a week to do their hobby and the other one be in the situation that you're in.

If he doesn't seem to be getting it, I would suggest going out for an evening or preferably a few hours at the weekend (leaving milk either expressed or formula) and then review the situation.

He's treating you badly, regardless of whether or not he's a 'bad person'. And at the moment, you're letting him.

[rootypig]

OP your life is your business, but if I had three small children and my partner were in the gym four nights a week, he'd be bloody sleeping there as well. If he told me I was feeling sorry for myself while he continued to prioritise his health and well being over mine and our children's while I was struggling....yeah. I wouldn't be responsible for my actions to be honest!

Take your DM up on her offer of help. Forget the ironing especially if it's DP's, get her to run a mop around or whatever will help you feel a bit fresher. There's nothing to be gained by being a pariah here. If you don't ask now, you will run yourself into the ground and then need much more help. You have to take care of yourself first, then your kids. It's like the oxygen on a plane thing. You're no good to them passed out. As tempting as it may sound!

Humphrey is on the money with disposable wipes and a pal to hold the baby.

[Cockadoodledooo]

Have you clean clothes?

Is there food in the fridge?

Is the loo clean?

If the answer to all those is yes then with a tiny baby you're doing more than enough!

[coveredinsick]

I thought maybe I was being unreasonable to ask him to calm it down with the gym trips but with a couple of the comments I can see I'm not. I will be having a word tomorrow. I've been thinking of hiring a cleaner but would actually feel embarrassed about one coming to my house. I've cancelled coffee dates with people as I'm embarrassed at the state of it and it just gets no better. Health Visitor turned up yesterday and I could have died. It was the one day I had got up and not showered and done my hair (DS1 had a bug and was sick night before all over his bed/bedroom so I had given him the day off for a sofa day). I feel like a right scrubber.

They are all so messy too, children and DP. Apparently nobody knows where the bin is and a magic fairy swans around picking up drinks bottles, yogurt pots etc etc. I might do a guided tour tomorrow of all the bins in the house.

[coveredinsick]

I'm investing in disposable wipes tomorrow. Do they sell them in crates?

[coveredinsick]

And thank you everyone. I feel a little better. I've actually stopped crying...!

[BlueJean]

I get why the ironing is getting to you. Its just another 'thing' that shows how badly you are doing .

Take your Mums offer of doing it all and then when its all gone start a new regime of careful folding/hanging of most things and only do the absolutely necessary items.

With the rest of the tidying I find little and often is the key. I cant sustain a lot of effort over time so I choose a task - washing up and tidying the kitchen for example; I do that then I go back and mumsnet rest, then 1/2 an hour later choose another task - cleaning a floor this time -rest and repeat . In this was over a week the whole house has had some sort of input and nothing is too gross. Plus I dont feel like I have worked too hard.

Then you might feel like tacking to ticklish subject of your entitled DP .

[JaffaSnaffle]

I think you are being very hard on yourself in your opening post. Six week old babies are not easy, especially if poorly. You are spending your maternity leave caring for poorly child.

Accept offers of help. I would accept the cleaning but if you are uncomfortable with your mum doing the actual cleaning, could she take your older two out for cake/to the park to give you the chance to get a bit more on top of things? And then a bit of time to yourself?

Ask husband to do his fair share. I would agree with others that 4 nights at the gym is not on when you are struggling - understandably. Maternity leave is not cleaning leave - you have been caring for your poorly baby, not lounging around all day.

Bleach your loo and clean where you prepare food, whizz round with the hoover. Anything else is a bonus. Online food shopping helps me, but isn't always an option. Ditch the ironing. If you can't justify a cleaner long term, could you hire one as a one off?

And think you need to look after yourself a bit. You sound very tired and in need of a bit of TLC.

[PinkSquash]

It's easier said than done but try to lower your standards, just a little.

You have a tiny baby and two older ones too, it's hard work. Try to remember you are on maternity leave, not skivvy leave. As long as the loo is clean, the counter tops get a wipe and you have clean clothes you're doing well.

Your partner needs to step up and stop being selfish, gym 4 nights a week? He needs to parent more to help you out.

Make your older DC tidy up after themselves, if they can't do that then they don't have the treats/good stuff etc.

Try to cheat in everything and only do what is actually essential and get as much help as possible

[rootypig]

If you can afford a cleaner, hire one. Don't be embarrassed. If it's really bad, tip them.

For the purposes of benchmarking what is normal, since you seem to be wondering - with an ill baby and two other DC I would expect DP to be home after work every night to pitch in. Actually I would expect this, illness or no. He should be making dinners. He should be doing half the chores (since you are both working full time), he should be picking up after himself and the kids when at home, and he should be taking over all three DC for even a short time every day so that you can rest.

[christinarossetti]

Thinking about it, with an ill baby and 2 other children, I would say that your job is looking after the baby (ie maternity leave) and, at the moment, his should be pretty much everything else ie care of older children when he's in, cooking, cleaning etc.

That's a even split, I would say. Both roles very full on, but both roles not possible for one person to do by themselves.

[coveredinsick]

If he's back from work early enough I go for a nap and he'll do school run and he usually stays up to do the last feed (sometimes he doesn't get to bed till 2am even though I tell him to just wake me upsif baby isn't settling) so I'm not up loads in the night. He'll sit with the kiddies watching films and having snacks but wouldn't think to put wrappers in bin or clearing up after them after letting them have every single toy out (DD has a lot of Sylvanian family stuff - bane of my life). I feel like a nag but I think I'm going to have to point these things out. If they all tidied up after themselves a bit it would make a big difference!

[Catsmamma]

Right as a starter, give over with the ironing...fold it all, teach the children and everyone pitches in with the putting away

Secondly confine all foodstuffs to the kitchen/dining area, saves trailing about looking for dumped cups/crisp packets, biscuit crumbs

and thirdly tell Superman to knock the gym on the head....4 nights a week, he's having a laugh....and I bet he is out for a minimum of two hours...what would you give to get 8 hours a week of time to yourself??? Lock him in a room with all three and a weeks ironing, see how chipper he is?

If you can stretch to it then a cleaner is a great idea, you do keep a bit tidier if you know someone is coming in to judge clean up after you.

And for goodness sake, let your ma help!

[rootypig]

Christ you are so far from being a nag! I would have been ranting and raving about this stuff endlessly. Yes, do point out that if everyone picked up after themselves it would take five minutes and the brunt of the work would be done, and I hope he takes note. If he doesn't, I would collect all the glasses and cups and wrappers and whatnot and leave them on the kitchen table or his side of the bed. Not to be passive aggressive - just explain to him that you're demonstrating how much accumulates. Sometimes people need a visual push shove.

Maybe together you could teach your kids about putting toys away before they get more out?

Anyway, how is your LO today? and you?