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Has anyone successfully cured their DH's drop-it-at-his-arse-itis?

(18 Posts)
DecapitatedLegoman Sun 18-Sep-11 09:20:31

Firstly, hands up, I'm a messy cluttered sort. But I recognise that this is not helpful or desirable and I try hard to stop myself or at least contain my junk to certain areas.

DH doesn't see mess. He'll put the kids to bed, come downstairs and tut and sigh lots as he puts the strewn toys away. But he will also leave clothes lying on the bathroom floor for days (I've done experiments), tools and bits of electronic junk stay where they land, shoes get picked up from where they were removed only when actually required for a trip out of the house. If he cooks he rarely washes up until afterwards which means I generally have all the dishes plus all the preparation stuff to wash. He'd never think to, for example, clean out all the dust, wires, DVDs, bits of Wii remotes, bits of toys and half-eaten houseplants from behind the tv. Yet it's been bothering me for MONTHS. I know I should have sorted it but I just wish it didn't all always fall to me.

I've brought it up repeatedly and it's going to become a nag soon. What else can I do? It's made harder by being rubbish at this myself and by having two small children who spread detritus all over. I expect to do most of the housework - I only work part time, him full time. But I'm so fed up of being the only one who makes any effort and feeling like he doesn't care because he knows I'll sort it out sad

Catsmamma Sun 18-Sep-11 09:23:02

He does see mess, he just doesn't care enough about it

If it bugs you then throw it away....they soon care when they have lost stuff. You have to do it without being seen and be able to DENY ALL KNOWLEDGE OF EVER HAVING SEEN IT.

harsh but effective

DecapitatedLegoman Sun 18-Sep-11 09:35:05

I like that idea but if we start that game I dread to think what important documents (I have carefully piled up in a corner for later filing) would be lost.

I think that although we've lived together for almost 8 years it's really bothering me now because not only do I have my own stuff and his to pick up, but the kids too. It's so much easier to clear up after them if the place is basically tidy. Plus, it's incredible how far a small but vital item can travel in the idle hands of a child - much easier to just tidy it away!

HoneyPablo Sun 18-Sep-11 09:39:43

Yes, but it has taken me over 20 years. I used to pick it all up, but I used to be a SAHM. Now I work full-time as well as being a full-time student, so if he drops stuff now it stays there.
He actually said the other day, that he remembers when he used to leave his boxers on the bedroom floor, and we laughed (me through gritted teeth grin)
Now, he changes the bedding and is getting better at putting stuff away.
I have a rule- your belongings, your responsibility.

DecapitatedLegoman Sun 18-Sep-11 09:47:18

Now "your stuff - your problem" is something I have tried but as I am inevitably moving the kids stuff around and tidying I end up with piles of his belongings in each room. There's a tyre-lever sitting on the kitchen table which has gone between the living room and kitchen for the last couple of months. hmm

ledkr Sun 18-Sep-11 10:06:45

Dh is like this,we row from time to time about it. His favourite saying is "well its not hurting anyone there is it?" He has got better over the years but i do pick him up on it stil but try to keep some humour in the situation.He thinks if something is still being used eg,paint and brushes which he may not use again for days,that it can be left on the kitchen table.
Why are there half eaten house plants behind the telly btw? just curious.

DecapitatedLegoman Sun 18-Sep-11 10:14:26

I have a 12 month old baby, two dogs and a cat. Most things in my house are half-eaten, or at least a bit chewed grin

SaffronCake Sun 18-Sep-11 11:40:16

I have a similar family, a part-time 12 year old, a full time 11 month old, one dog and one cat (and preg again).

We have had more rows about his not pulling his weight than anything else ever. I've taken to kicking him out. My point is that if you contribute to the mess you contribute to the cleaning, you can either do that here or in your own flat. I am not a skivvy. Extreme but it works. Not that I'm recommending it to anyone else, but he pulls his weight a lot more after a few days somewhere else (and wherever else it is, he's got to pick up his sodden bath towels there, so he might as well come home and pick them up).

Bunbaker Sun 18-Sep-11 11:43:00

I used to share a bedroom with my very untidy sister. I just used to pick her stuff up and put it in a large cardboard box that I placed on her bed. Leaving stuff lying around used to annoy me more than picking it up. Whenever she couldn't find anything I used to tell her to look in her box. Can you do the same?

gemma4d Sun 18-Sep-11 22:15:47

We have a foot stall each with storage in it.

When I get fed up all random OH-items get put in OH's foot stall. Such as lots of dirty tissues that get left on the floor angry - its great if you catch the look on his face when he opens the foot stall to find something and sees a sea of dirty tissues!

mamas12 Sun 18-Sep-11 22:24:59

I don't know what he does for a living but I used to put his dirty underpants in his briefcase and not tell him.
If I were you I would find places where it would really annoy him, his side of the bed, on his driving seat, even in his sandwich.
I would tell him too what you've said here that you have enough to do with dcs you don't need another one and until he pulls his wieght then you won't be cooking etc he can sort himself out.
You have to be hardine now it is unacceptable to treat you as his servant.

heleninahandcart Mon 19-Sep-11 18:45:45

Get one of those massive blue Ikea bags. Shove it all in. All mixed up. Refer him to the bag which by then may well be shoved under the stairs/shed/garage.

If he can't find something, do not help. At all.

kbaby Mon 19-Sep-11 18:45:51

Oh my Dh is exactly the same, apparently as I work 30 hrs it means I have a day extra for cleaning. I've now resorted to throwing any clothes laying on the bedroom floor into the bottom of his cupboard. Not once has he moaned about me doing it. Mainly I think because he knows he can't moan as they get crumpled on the floor. I do the same with his shoes I've also in the past just thrown things out sleeping this does backfire because if anything is missing its always my fault because he thinks I've binned it.

kbaby Mon 19-Sep-11 18:50:36

Here you go smile

mamas12 Mon 19-Sep-11 18:52:43

That's too tidy kbaby.
Just kick it under the bed or put in his car on out the window into the gardern

Seriously, warn him the next time you find something on the floor it will go out the window and do it!!!!

kbaby Mon 19-Sep-11 21:01:23

Oh I threaten to throw his ironing out the window if its not put in his wardrobe.

Why do they insists on keeping everything! The boot of his car is filled with boxes of work documents and papers because I refuse to store them in the house(that's what work is for, not my house)
I have a speaker that has been stored in his boot and now my hallway for 2 years.

One day I'm going to get a skip and bin it all!

FlubbaBubba Mon 19-Sep-11 21:21:59

I feel for you OP - I've done the 'test thing' to see if DH notices crap in places but end up being so wound up that I ended up clearing it, but being really, really angry about it.

I like the idea of things of his going in a big box or bag. I couldn't do the shove-it-in-the-wardrobe method though, as he'd never even notice or do anything about it, then that would start doing my head in. grin

madmomma Thu 22-Sep-11 07:37:33

My DP is exactly the same and it drives me mad. He was a bachelor until he was 39, and has developed selfish habits. Currently there is a small pile of half used clothing on the floor by his wardrobe - t shirts he's only worn for a couple of hrs - that sort of thing. I refuse to move it to open his wardrobe doors, so I simply don't put away his clean clothes properly. I just pile up all his clean laundry and shove it in for him to root through each morning. He knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on. If he won't show consideration in this regard, neither will I. You can only ask so many times before you feel like a gibbering fool.

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