13 yo DS(17 Posts)
I am too patient for my own good, but sometimes I have to retreat to my bedroom to take deep breaths.
Can you do your homework now? ...'Yes, in a minute'......
20 mins later......
Darling, can you do your homework please.....'I said in a minute'
1 hour later....
You need to do your homework now, or I will have to turn the wifi off......'Don't you dare, you know that will make me stressed and you won't like me then'
1 1/2 hours later...
Last time, please do your homework......' I'll do it when I am ready'
10pm. Everyone is tired, especially me. 'Can you help me now'.
This is how it is. I look like a weak mother, but for a generally lovely boy who knows right from wrong, his homework moods scare me. He is like having 2 sons. He still likes sleepovers with me and creeps in at night because he is scared of the dark. He asks me to cut his crusts off.
Do I leave him and not nag him. He wouldn't do it. Should I let him get into trouble at school?
His Dad isn't at home and never helped with discipline when he was. My DD has done well and always does her homework first as I have tried to insist with both of them.
Maybe he will grow out of this. Maybe I don't understand boys. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks
I would turn the wifi off straight away and explain it will get turned on as soon as he has done his homework. He is leading you a merry dance and unless he respects your authority it will only get worse.
I suspect someone will be along in a minute to tell you that is the last thing you should do, but it is certainly what I would do.
In this house DS gets on with it and DC procrastinates. I have had to make a rule this school year. I don't help with homework after 9pm. So if you want my help, me to test you on something, you have to plan around this. At weekends I will remind by saying ' I have some free time now. I'll wait ( i.e. mn) to see if anyone needs any homework help for 15 minutes and then I'll go in the garden' It is working well. Sometimes DC is doing her homework far too late for her own good but it is not my problem and I she has plenty of chances to have my help.
Also no homework downstairs after 9pm. They both have desks and it isn't my fault they are covered in crap!
DC procrastinates. Not necessarily a boy thing.
I leave ds to it,he either does it or not and suffers the consequences at school which is detention.
So if they don't do their homework before 9pm....do they do it? Thanks for your reply....sometimes it feels like I am the only one who struggles!
When I turned the WiFi off last time he wrecked his room. Then apologised later.
He wrecked his room
Sorry but that's the big issue here not home work, though for what it's worth at 13 it's his responsibility not yours. If he gets into trouble at school so be it.
My DS is 13 too. Its difficult to MAKE him do homework/revision but we tend to leave him to it. We might mention it a couple of times to remind him, but that's it.
I don't tend to help him, unless he wants me to test him after revising. As for helping him at 10pm? Not a hope.
We don't allow homework to be started after 9pm or in the morning. I think this helps him to get a little more organised. When he began Secondary school we warned him that if he got detention eg: for not completing homework, he would have to get himself home from school; no school bus running and no lift from me. It seems to focus his mind. He sometimes goes to the library at lunchtime to make a start on homework so that he has less/none in the evening.
I'm a little taken aback by his threats when you say you will turn off the wifi. Here Wifi is turned off between 9pm and 7am on all DCs devices on a permanent basis. No debate. No threats.
Oh, and give him a knife if he wants his crusts off. He's not 4 years old.
OP just read you post re: wrecking his room. What did you do about that? Think that is something you need to get to grips with first. Homework issues can wait.
Sorry you're having a tough time.
It's terribly easy to judge....I know I have been soft on him. He had a year of bullying in year 7....so he had a lot to cope with, and that's where the anger stemmed from..but homework has always been an issue.
He has an older sister who works later rather than earlier, who does well and is independent. She needs the wifi on at night for studies as well as her social life. I guess I have accepted his night owl tendencies too easily as a result.
Btw, I also cut her crusts off too 😏. So what? I love them. We all have our own little things that are probably scorned by others!
I will have to toughen up. They haven't had a grandmother in their lives for a long time. I reckon I overcompensate in giving them the softness of an upbringing that is lacking in an extra maternal layer...but really needs a bit more discipline in his case.
I'll pick my time to discuss my feelings with him. Maybe the introduction of my boyfriend will be a good influence....or maybe not!! I've kept him secret for a year in fear of causing problems.
Time for me to live a little and time to exert a bit of authority.
Wish me luck. Not ready to appear on Jeremy Kyle just yet 😀
P.S. I also guess I'm not used to 'understanding' teenage boys. Friends sons have strong father figures and strong family networks with loads of cousins. I don't have any of that...so if I can muddle through and get then to be happy and fulfilled adults, these testing times as part of these teenage years will become a blur!
P.P.S. I've also gained confidence after discussing this and writing everything down. Time for a new phase. Thank you.
Yes, they do get it done, late in bedrooms. They would get into trouble at school for not handing it in. DD is in the first yr of secondary and quite anxious about doing it right so the threat of no help is effective. ( Help is usually just checking with me what is required by the exercise or preparing for a test. )
I will steal the idea of 'if it isn't started by 9, tough.' I like that.
OP good luck with your new firmer phase. It isn't easy it hard to strike the right balance, is it?
I wouldn't stand for being threatened in my own home by my child. "Don't you dare, you know that will make me stressed and you won't like me then" would not fly in my house.
In our house, we ask once, and then consequences happen. You described a scene where you turned the WiFi off (following through on a consequence) and he wrecked his room in retaliation. Well, to my mind, the WiFi should have STAYED off until he cleaned up the mess he made AND done his homework. Bad behavior compounded with bad behavior gets consequence compounded with consequences.
Maybe I am living an idealistic life because I've been very lucky with my DS, but even so, in this house, we have parents, and we have a child, and not once in our lives have we ever let the child dictate how things are going to be (re: matters such as this), and we do not intend to start any time soon.
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