would you HE if your child was happy at school?

[thisisyesterday]

When we were registering ds1 for reception we talked about HE, but decided that school might be best and that we'd give it a go.
I was apprehensive and absolutely decided that if ds1 didn't like school then he'd be out and HE immediately.

So, he started in September. we've had some blips with his behaviour there, but his teacher said that she thinks he's settled now, seems happy in class and I think he seems happy there too. He has made friends etc etc

But I have this gut feeling that I want to HE him.
I strongly believe in a mothers instinct, and that if that is shouting at you to do something then perhaps you should listen.
However, I had a truly horrid time at school, and I am worried that that is skewing my thoughts. maybe I want to HE because my school was shit- not because I think it would be best for him??

I hate being tied in by school times, I hate uniform, I hate the reward charts etc etc
But there are also things I like. ds1's teacher right now seems very nice, he likes her and the TA, they're doing a good job of helping to teach him to stay calmer and use words instead of screaming at people (something I struggle with), and of course there is the social aspect.

I think the social side of it worries me most. I am not sociable. I find it incredibly hard to get out and do things and go to groups. I've just googled and there is no local HE group here either, i'd have to travel quite far, and tbh i don't want to be driving for miles and miles... we moved to this house so that we could walk to school.

so many things to think about. I don't know what I want people to say really, but i'm just trying to get all these issues clear in my head and decide what to do for the best.

oh, and I also have a 2yr old and a 6 month old to throw into the mix..... anyone else HE with several kids??

[TheBreastmilksOnMe]

I've thought about this too for my son and I have discussed it endlessly with DP however I have come to the conclusion that I am placing my fears and thoughts on DS as I had an awful time at school when I was a kid. It is not fair to HE your child on the basis that you had an awful time. If these are your reasons then it is wrong. Your DS may well love school and it sounds as though he is settling in fine. It is hard not to project our fears onto our children but you need to take a step back and just let your DS get on with it. If he was having problems and was desperatly unhappy then you might want to start looking into it but why fix what isn't broken?

[Bleatblurt]

My DS1 was happy at nursery (attached to the school) and I decided that I didn't want him to start P1 (I'm in Scotland) and I'm now HE'ing him. I know he would be happy at school but when I add up all the pros and cons I still prefer to HE.

I'm not one for socialising at all. [grumpy old cow] But I make an effort to do some small talk (and send my more talkative DH when I can) at the group things I send my DS too (football etc). I haven't joined a HE group yet as I haven't heard good things about the local one.

DS1 is only 5 so we are very new to it all but I'm happy with our decision. And, of course, should things change then I can always send DS to school - it doesn't have to be a long term decision.

Oh, and I also have a just turned 2 year old and there's no problems. My method of HE at this age for DS1 is mainly lots of play!

[coldtits]

If it;s not broke don't fix it. He's not you.

[thisisyesterday]

no, my basis for home schooling isn't that i didn;'t like it, so I think he won't... but i am worried that my experience may colour my judgement, iyswim?

i guess what I'm wondering is whether him being happy there is key? i mean, some people never send their kids to school. their kids may LOVE school, but they'll never know.
so i can't necessarily base my decision on that can i??

he has said in the past that he would like to stay at home with me, but i think that may be because his 2 ltitle brothers are here with me and he has to go out to school.
i asked him the other day if he wouldn't miss his friends if he stayed home all the time and he said no, we'd invite them over to play

[AMumInScotland]

I think you have to do your utmost to separate out why you think your "mother's instinct" is telling you to HE him - is it really about him, or is it about you? If you genuinely believe it would be the best environment for him, then fine. But I suspect it is your own memories and feelings about school surfacing - it's normal to feel a "fight or flight" response when faced with an environment we have bad memories of, and this combines with your strong urge to protect your child.

If he is happy at school, and is doing well both educationally and emotionally, then I think there's a lot to be said for letting him continue there.

You decided to "give school a go" - I think you have to let him continue for a lot longer than one term if he's not unhappy. Otherwise how are you giving it a fair go?

[Marne]

I agree with coldtits, if he's happy then let him stay at school, if he was unhappy then yes take him out and home ed.

There's days when i wish dd1 was home ed, she has Aspergers and sometimes struggles, at the moment she is getting picked on by a few children (mainly because she's a easy target, she cry's easily), it makes me upset to think that dd1 does not fit in but when i ask her about school she says she loves it and does'nt want to leave or change schools (we talked about moving away but dd wont change schools).

[thisisyesterday]

yes, and i'm finding it hard to separate it all out.
HE has always appealed, and the things that have put me off (and thus fuel my willingness to give school a go) are:
social side of it
whether i am good enough to do it
whether i can do it with 2 babies as well

those were the only things that made me think it would be a better idea for him to be in school.
It's hard to tell how he is doing educationally, i don't think they've done much. He complains that it's boring a lot because it's all learning through play.

emotionally, i dunno. he's a child who will continue doing something even if he doesn't like it, if he thinks he's supposed to do it, or has to do it. This will go on until he cracks and has a massive meltdown and it all comes out.
so, i can't say if he's doing ok emotionally either tbh, although as I say, we've had some behaviour problems at school, and an increase in bad behaviour at home. but then that could just be because he's tired and it's all new??

please keep all your thoughts coming, i need to get this all straight in my head I think. DP is no help, he'll do what I think is best but rarely offers an opinion of his own

[pinkteddy]

I think the first term in reception is very tiring for them and its hard to judge how they are doing. From the schools point of view the first term just seems to be about settling them tbh. How about reviewing it at the end of his first year? By then you'll have a good idea of how things are going and whether you and he want to stay at school.

[tispity]

I have a small doubt lurking in the back of my mind that ds would learn more and grow in confidence if we went down the HE route. however, i probably wouldn't do it as he loves school for the most part. he will never be a social butterfly like dd (and myself!) but if he is enjoying it in his own way then i'm hardly going to give up my freedom for the next 10 years in order to pursue this.

[lilyfire]

DS1 is now at Yr1 stage. When he would have started reception last year, my other two boys were 2 and 6months, like yours. It's been fine with the other 2. There are lots of things we can't do - like sit down and concentrate for very long, or play board games when littlies are around, but there seems to be enough we can do. I really like that they are all starting to play together (sometimes nicely). I wouldn't have coped without going to groups though and I don't think that DS1 would. He's fairly sociable and I know he would've been fine at school in lots of ways, but he loves HE and is v happy - but that's at least partly because he feels part of the HE community through the groups we go to. But that might not be important for every child.
I found it really helped reading HE books - see the thread here - and I could sort out how what was being said about school/HE fitted in with my own experience and try to be as objective as possible in working out what was right for my son.

[piscesmoon]

It isn't about you - if he is happy leave him. I absolutely adored school at that age and I don't think that my mother's school experience was relevant. There is no reason why your DC would have the same views as you.

[LauraIngallsWilder]

Hi TIY
My ds hated school, begged to not go anymore
So since september he and dd (who also wasnt keen on school) have been he'd

My instinct is like yours, pro HE but goodness on days when ds is being difficult (he has aspergers and thinks he knows everything) I wish he went to school

HE is great fun, in many ways. But it can also be hard work, isolating, its easy to become disillusioned, endless questions form nosy people we bump into (mostly ignorant or negative, occasionally enlightened positive) friends who are teachers are rude to me.............

I am quite isolated from local HErs so that can be hard too

But we continue because its a better option for ds and dd than school. If they had been happyish in school then I think by now I would be really struggling with the motivation to continue

I deregged mine from school in september09 and potentially have another 10 years to go......

That is a long road if you are not sure!

[Bleatblurt]

I don't understand the view that he should be left at the school because he is happy there. The decision to HE doesn't have to be because of unhappiness with schools, it can be about the pro's of HE. I know my DS1 would LOVE school and he would thrive but I believe he'll do even better at home.

I don't have negative memories of school (I love it!) and if circumstances changed I would happily send my children to school and not see it as second best in any way. Just want to be clear that I have nowt against schools.

[thisisyesterday]

thanks butterball, you get where i'm coming from!

he is happy there.
i feel HE could be a better option

but I fear my experience may be colouring things.

hmm. i think, as some have said, that I will give it longer, to see how he goes.
when i say he is happy there, i mean he isn't unhappy. he doesn't love it. he's fairly ambivalent i suppose.
i just have this really strong feeling that HE is the way to go...

I am tired right now though, so will come back and re-read all the comments again in the morning I think

[piscesmoon]

I think that it is a very good option if all are in favour but I can never understand the posts 'my DC is happy at school but I want to HE. Your DC is a different person, at a different school, in a different century so your school experiences are hardly relevant. I loathed team sports as a DC but my DSs love them-I can tell them all about my humiliations on the hockey field and they can laugh, but completely fail to understand.

' I am not sociable. I find it incredibly hard to get out and do things and go to groups.'

I would have thought that this would make you think. At school you can be a unsociable as you like, but if you HE your DS is reliant on you sorting out groups and activities for him and you are the role model.

'they're doing a good job of helping to teach him to stay calmer and use words instead of screaming at people (something I struggle with), '

I would have thought this excellent on the part of the school.

'I hate being tied in by school times, I hate uniform, I hate the reward charts etc etc'

You have, at the very least, 164 days a year when you don't have any of this.

'tbh i don't want to be driving for miles and miles... we moved to this house so that we could walk to school.'

It is nice to be part of the community-especailly if you find mixing difficult.

With 2 other DCs it means that you can't take them to toddler groups etc as they won't want an older DC and it isn't fair on him anyway.

I would go with coldtits-if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Also, you can't suddenly send him back if you find it isn't working, and if you do all 3 DCs, you will still be HEing in 2027-will you want to be doing it then?

All questions to be thought of. Other people will say that I am completely wrong-so I will leave them too it-but some DCs love school. My favourite quote is the 5yr old DC who said, 'I really like school-in fact it is my favourite hobby'. It is a very positive experience for many.

'

[tispity]

well surely some parents can completely screw up on the HE front despite their best intentions?

[TheBreastmilksOnMe]

Um, excuse me, I beleive I was the person who said 'don't fix what isn't broken' first. So there.

[juuule]

Regarding the 'don't fix what's not broken" thing. Are we saying something is broken when we send children to school? Otherwise why not just keep them at home if you are in the position of weighing up between school and HE? Should we HE until we feel something isn't right or should we send to school until we feel something isn't right?
Just a thought.

[TillyMintSpy]

So why do you want to HE him?

Is it because you had a bad time at school or because you feel you can do a better job, or because you are anti-establishment/institutional routines, etc
or because you don't like the playground politics (mums, not children
or?

• what is / are your reasons?

What does your DH/DP think?

[juuule]

You say that when you were registering for reception you had decided that school might be best. What has changed? Why did you think school might be better but now don't?

[Tryharder]

Hi TIY.

To be honest, I would leave him where he is for the time being and perhaps make a final decision over the summer holidays.

I share your concerns that you would be biting off a bit more than you could chew with a baby and toddler at home as well.

Also, do you have the necessary patience/qualifications/expertise to teach at home? I have absolutely no idea what is involved with HE really but I know that I would not have the patience to, let's say, teach my son to read - I am far too emotionally involved!

I would be interested to know why your gut feeling is to HE. Would you be able to elaborate on this further?

[QandA]

Thisis, I can see why you are stuggling with this decision, but having read some of your threads I think you may be best to continue as you are for now. You seem happy with how the school are meeting the needs of your son. If that changes you can of course look at it again.

I can see how, if you have such a strong belief system in the way that you parent, it must be difficult to accept the school system and the massive differences you must encounter and the benefits of HE must seem appealing. FWIW, I also think you will have more energy and enthusiasm to apply your parenting principles if some of the time your DS is at school and he may in turn get more benefit from the school/parent system operating in conjunction with each other.

[tethersend]

TIY, I think you should read your OP back and see how many times 'I' is used.

If you choose to HE- and I say this as a teacher who strongly disagrees with HE- do it for the right reasons, and because it is best for your DS, not you.

I think you recognise that you are projecting your experiences onto him. Can you review the situation in a year? You need to see what kind of person your DS is at school IYSWIM; he has just settled at school; even if you do decide to HE, to pull him out of school at the moment sends some very confusing messages to a little boy who is just getting his head round a lot of changes and learning 'who he is' when he is apart from you.

[piscesmoon]

Really sorry, theBreastMilksOnMe, I see it was you-it just stood out in the other post.
I agree with thethersend-there were too many I's in the post. (I have never been bothered by my mother's thoughts on school,they are not mine).
I would at least see how it goes at school for a while, so that you can concentrate on the younger DCs. DS1 has already had the benefit of your undivided attention and, with him out doing things at his own level, you are free to concentrate on the younger ones and go down to their level and help them socialise. You can then give DS1 your undivided attention when he gets home, because the others have had their turn.
Children are very adaptable and can cope with different rules and expectations in different places. It sounds as if he is responding well to school if he is calmer and able to talk about his feelings, I think you should at least have a strategy to stop him screaming in frustration, if you take him out.
I didn't mean to comment further but I didn't want theBreastMilksOnMe going off in a huff! It is annoying to make a point and be ignored.

[thisisyesterday]

Our initial thoughts on HE'ing were that we don't agree with all the ways in which children are taught in schools. The way that they have to learn set subjects at set times and do set projects on them. The way that their natural curiosity cannot be encouraged in the same was as it could if they were being educated at home in a basically 1-2-1 situation.
We worried about how results focussed schools tend to be and the pressure this puts on children at younger and younger ages
The way I parent is fairly at odds with the way a school is run. as I mentioned in the OP, all the children have a reward chart, which I don't like and wouldn't use at home, and I do find it hard reconciling the use of rewards and sanctions at school when I wouldn't use them at home.
I feel that dp and I could offer all the children a huge amount in terms of what we could teach them and how- although at the same time I'm scared we'd f**k it up too!

It isn't just a case of my being unhappy at school is making me want to take him out. We have plenty of "real" reasons for thinking that HE is a good route to take, but I am worried that my experience is colouring how much I want to HE, if that makes sense? If I had had a great time at school then I would still see HE as a good option, but would I feel this strongly?

I am not sure what has changed really. I think I was worried mainly that I wouldn't have the time or the ability to do it properly, and instead of looking into it further and making a good informed decision we decided to just go with school to start with and if he's unhappy take him out. Maybe I was secretly hoping he would hate it so that I would have a good reason (in other people's eyes) to remove him? I have no idea. Maybe I am reading way too much into it? i have a tendency to overthink things a LOT.

To clarify, I definitely wouldn't just pull him out of school. It is something I would talk to him about first and if he wanted to stay at school then that's what would happen. I just want what is best for him, and for him to be happy

and of course there is a lot of "I" in the op... it's about a decision that I have to make