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Has anyone done HE without the support of DH/family???

(11 Posts)
siblingrivalry Tue 21-Oct-08 10:25:39


I am a newbie, but have posted on here before and on the SN board. Please bear with me, I will be as concise as

Basically, dd1 is almost 8 and has Sensory Processing Disorder. School has always been really difficult for her. I have wanted to HE for years, but DH is not remotely supportive and won't agree to it.

Since her dx, school have promised all sorts of help and support but none of it has materialised. In fact, they are now starting to become difficult and raising what I consider to be petty issues. In the last week, I have had 2 incidents of staff members approaching me in the playground to 'disagree' with the latest requests from dd's OT.

Today,there was yet another issue and I came home and just cried.sad
When I rang DH he said we should arrange another meeting with school to discuss things. I am totally frustrated and stressed and just want to deregister her. It's got to the stage where I despise school and all it stands for.
I literally have no support to HE dd, though. Has anyone else done it without the 'blessing@ of their OH?

Thanks for listening.

misi Tue 21-Oct-08 11:24:33

I have not done it but I know it can be difficult without close support. HE does take a lot of time and effort but not having support at this moment is no reason not to look into the idea and then ''sell'' it to your family.
when I looked into HE for my son I found many customers in my shop were HE'ers and they were informative and helpful, but they also put me in touch with the home education advisory service HE is not like it used to be, there is a lot of help and support out there, and I thought I knew a lot about HE but I have learnt a lot from reading the HE posts on here too.

hope this is of help?

siblingrivalry Tue 21-Oct-08 12:41:02

Thanks, Misi. I have already joined my local yahoo group, but it's great to get new links and information. I am building up a kind of 'dossier' for DH. So far, though, he has his head in the sand about the whole situation.
He is worried that dd1 will become too clingy if she is at home with me. My argument is that she will be less so, because she will feel more secure and supported.
Right now, I feel like such an outsider at school.

misi Tue 21-Oct-08 12:58:01

you must go on and show him the heas site then. depending where you are, each region has its own bit if you know what I mean? essex is one of the most active and the site itself can guide you through many things and has its own forum to join. last I looked, there were courses available from similar companies to those used in schools for GCSE's etc, so if the idea is to not go to school but still learn what they would do, then this is ideal. everyone I spoke to said that home ed made their children more independent and responsible and the clinginess is short lived as part of the reasoning behind clinging is that the child is insecure and being left at school on their own makes that worse but being at home with a parent takes away that insecurity and fosters that independent and responsible nature.
I know how you feel though, when I collect my son on a friday from school, I feel very much out of place and I have been a governor of different schools for 20 years since I was 18 so am ''at home'' in schools usually.

home ed though can be daunting. your DH may just be worried that home ed will be too much for him and too much responsibility, also there does seem to still be some stigma about home ed, that the kids are somewhat backward because of it or that they will have their later life compromised by not having a ''proper'' education. that is not the case anymore as most exams taken in school are available for home ed and many companies now recognise the benefits of home educated employee's. all things to think about and work into the argument with your family!!

siblingrivalry Tue 21-Oct-08 13:47:55

Thanks for reassuring me about HE making children more (not less) independent. I will point that out to DH when I show him this site.That's one of his biggest fears.

I have to be honest and admit that I also feel daunted, mostly at the thought of the dereg process and informing the school. I have read up as much as I can on the subject,though, so I have some 'ammunition' IYKWIM. Thanks so much for posting. You've been really helpful smile

onwardandupward Tue 21-Oct-08 15:13:13

The dereg process is almost the easiest bit! You don't have to give notice of any kind if you don't want to. You just turn up one morning with a letter, get a receipt for it, and the letter is exactly copied off the Education Otherwise website, which has a template, and basically says (only in the right words) "I'm taking my child out of school like right now today in order to home educate them. Cheerio. the end".

And that's all you have to do!

It's slightly more complex if the child is statemented - just because you have to decide whether you want to keep the statement in force, or whether it's irrelevant now you are looking after your child's education yourself, but the HE special needs yahoo list will be able to tell you exactly what to do about that! Their site is here and there is a link there to their email list. If your child is in a special school, you have to get permission to deregister them, but if they are statemented in a mainstream school then you can just go ahead

I'd really try to get your Dh on side before you start if you possibly can. I think it would be very hard to do with someone breathing down your neck waiting for it all to be a disaster, yk? Give him the recent Thomas and Pattison Book "How Children Learn at Home" - that will reassure him that your child will learn absolutely what they need to to prepare them for adult life even if you treat the next year or five years just like an extended summer holiday!

And join the mumsnetters home ed yahoo group if you haven't already, and you can ask more personal questions off the main forum if that makes you more comfortable

streakybacon Tue 21-Oct-08 19:19:50

Hi Sibs!

When it all came to a head with ds in school a couple of weeks ago, I'd been planning HE in my head for a while (as you know). My dh wasn't keen either, kept saying we should stick with school and ds would 'get used to it' (he won't, not with unsupported AS). We came home from school that day and I told dh that I'd made a decision - I was going to take ds out of school and HE whether he was with me or not but I'd prefer to do so with his support. Then I cried floods! I think that helped him to see just how serious the situation was and he realised that it wasn't going to get any better. He's now reluctantly on board as long as we review regularly, which I would do anyway. You have to let your dh see how miserable this is making the whole family and that you've tried every option in the school but they're still not listening or acting on what you and other professionals tell them.

Have you any plans for half term - we should really try and get together to chat, maybe the kids could meet each other too? What think you?

PortAndDemon Tue 21-Oct-08 19:31:40

Could you take your DH along to a local HE event so that he can meet some "real" HEd children?

racmac Tue 21-Oct-08 20:18:13


Does your dh actually go to these meetings at the school ? Just a thought but take him along and make him deal with them - maybe then he will understand your frustration at teh whole system and begin to see why HE could work


siblingrivalry Tue 21-Oct-08 20:29:42

Thanks to everyone who has replied.

Port, good idea -although he will take some persuading!

Onwardandupward, dd isn't statemented and is in ms, so it should be straightforward? I have joined the local yahoo groups today -am ridiculously excited to 'meet' other I will also check out the book you recommend (all useful as supporting evidence for dh)

Hi I am at exactly the stage you describe with dh -ready to burst into floods of tears and tell him I will do it without his support if I have to. DD had been sobbing in class today and was devastated because the TA was narky about it. I don't think she has ever let a teacher or her friends see her cry openly without her trying to hide it IYKWIM. Her psoriasis is flaring up with all of the stress and her hands are blistered,with skin hanging off, through hand-wringing.

I would love to meet up over half term with the kids. Have the Monday and Thursday free if that's any good - hospital,OT appointment and dd2s birthday on the other days. The girls are off the week after, too. I will email you to sort something out. Would be great to chat in person!

I am thinking that dd1 will not return to school after half term - although I may be divorced!!

siblingrivalry Tue 21-Oct-08 20:33:23

sorry,racmac, xpost. He rarely comes to the meetings and my argument is exactly what you mention -he doesn't know how much crap I have to deal with on a daily basis. I told him last week he would have to start taking dd to school, because it was becoming too draining for me to do it every day. He did the school run for one day and texted me to say 'girls went in fine -no problems'angry
As far as he's concerned, that's his 'bit' done.

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