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Feel like my general parenting might not be good enough to HE DS (4)

(7 Posts)
Choctastic Sun 21-Sep-08 22:35:02

I imagine a HE parent's parenting skills need to be average to superb, given how much time parent and child will spend together.

I get on a roll with DS and we have days at a time that are fun-filled and there's a mutual respect there and everything ticks over nicely - and then other times when it all goes to pot. There are times when DS's temper flies - very fiestily - and I truly don't know how to handle him, and I walk away into a different room or else react back. DS has behaved embarrassingly badly on a few occasions in the company of friends, and I have felt certain it's seemed as though I'm doing a useless job. While he can be assertive and confident, DS seems to have a fear-of-abandonment issue lurking not far below the surface, and I can pinpoint the few hiccups that may have fed into this along the way. When I look at the unit that is DS and I in this light, I feel sad and as though HE could never really be a healthy option for us.

But then I think that no parent is perfect, and that there are many times when we have it sussed. Are my glitches just part and parcel of average parenting - finding ways to deal with the challenges as they come at you, and sometimes getting that (badly) wrong - or does it sound like I don't have enough of a handle on raising my son for us to HE?

harpomarx Sun 21-Sep-08 22:36:57

just out of interest, why are you home educating?

Choctastic Sun 21-Sep-08 23:14:05

I am not yet, harpomarx, but have been interested in HE as an alternative to school for a long time. Both ideologically and for DS personally, it makes sense to me. What I am less sure of is how close to perfect I need to be as a parent and how far from dysfunctional we as a family need to be to pursue it well - according, I suppose, to whoever else's yardstick.

harpomarx Sun 21-Sep-08 23:22:47

I went through a phase of vaguely considering HE, about a year ago, when dd was 3 and very clingy.

She has just started school and I have realized there is no way I could have educated her at home. We have a great relationship but it is quite volatile and the last few weeks of the summer holiday were tough on both of us because we were spending so much time together. I still can see the point of HE but feel that it would have been much too intense for us as a single parent/only child family.

dd is very happy at school, btw.

AMumInScotland Mon 22-Sep-08 11:49:56

Does he go to any activities away from you? If so, could you have a think about whether you do better together for being apart some of the time? It could be quite intense doing HE, specially if it's just you and him (I'm reading between the lines on that one).

It also depends what you think about schools, either in general or the ones available to you.

The fact that you're not perfect doesn't stop you from doing HE - I don't think anyone who does it would claim they are always on top form - but you have to think through whether, overall, it will be the best way for you as a family.

fedupone Mon 22-Sep-08 12:05:38

Come join my rant....Ive been H E ing for 3 years.

onwardandupward Mon 22-Sep-08 18:54:53

I don't believe you have to be a perfect parent to HE. At least, if you do, then I am up the proverbial creek... (not that I ever lose my temper or make a misjudgement, you understand )

You sound anxious about your relationship with your son. Either that anxiety is misplaced and you are doing fine, or there are indeed things which you should be improving in that relationship. But either of those isn't actually directly relevant to where you choose to educate him, are they? I mean, if there are things to work on in your relationship, you need to work on them whether he goes to school or not, and if there aren't, then all is groovy, right?

For a child to be angry (= "temper") about something is perfectly normal. Heck, having sandwiches cut into squares rather than triangles can be enough to send some children into total screaming abdabs. The right response to it depends on your philosophy about human interaction and parent/child interaction. If you feel bad about how you respond to your child's anger
temper, then there is a disconnect between what you believe and what you are enacting. That's the thing to work on - integrating your philosophy with your actions.

As for abandonment issues - children grow out of those as they are, consistently and over time, given good reason to believe that they won't be abandoned. If you think your child does have abandonment issues, then it might well be a good idea not to put them in school at the LEA appointed moment, but to wait until they are determined to go - there's a big difference between having independence forced upon you and taking it yourself when you are ready.

Yeah, I really don't think this is about HE, I think that if there's stuff to sort here, you need to sort it wherever you are going to educate him!

"Are my glitches just part and parcel of average parenting - finding ways to deal with the challenges as they come at you, and sometimes getting that (badly) wrong - or does it sound like I don't have enough of a handle on raising my son for us to HE?" Yes, I think you have all the handles you need, though you may need to sit down and think them through enough to boost your confidence that you are a handle-holdin' lady

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