It's all going wrong

[Sadsnake]

We started home ed after Easter.joined some home ed groups.lovely people.his behaviour was diabolical there,hitting me ,head butting me ,running off in all directions.how can I show my face again..all the behaviour I got on a school morning,I now get when I try to get him out of the house.his autism is incredibly challenging at the moment ,he's doing the work I set ( a tiny amount compared to a school day).. but getting him out of the house is leaving me in tears.my anxiety is through the roof,and I can't get to the gym to destress...😢😪

[Velvetbee]

I don’t have any practical advice but don’t worry about ‘showing your face’ again. There are lots of children with SEN in HE groups and people get it, they really do. When you feel able to try again they’ll be pleased you did. People want to be accommodating in my experience (so long as you’re not the parent turning a blind eye while your child causes chaos).

[Sadsnake]

No I dealt with it ,it's just the embarrassment

[ommmward]

People DO get it, like Velvetbee says; if someone's child is really struggling and I can see they are right there keeping the child and everyone else safe, and just doing their best, all I'm feeling is compassion, and trying to think of whether there's anything I can do to help (but trying also to stand back because a stranger wading in can so often make things worse).

You need to take things much much slower!!!! Let your trips out be to the park, or for a walk in the woods for now. Something he genuinely wants to do. And if he wants to hide at home for a bit, then hide at home, and open all the windows to let in some fresh air.

Really embrace the "deschooling" thing - you BOTH need to recover from school, and he needs to get his MoJo back before he's going to be able to learn anything effectively, however formal you want to be in the end. At least until half term without any formal "education".

Playdates with one similar child (sometimes much older or younger) can be really good in this recovery period. E.g. ask on your local home ed group "is there anyone out there whose child also loves playing Minecraft with XYZ mods, and definitely always in creative, and happy to have rules about not blowing up each other's buildings?" and then get together and set them up to play together, with close supervision. Build social opportunities that will be on his level and on his terms and non-stressful. Don't try to run before you can walk!

[Branleuse]

Do you have a garden where he can still get fresh air, and do you have someone that can stay with him if you need to get out and do things?

I think if he needs to stay at home for a while, then maybe thats what he just needs and you are going to have to take it at his pace for a while. This is brand new for you, so I think maybe dont set him any work yet, and just concentrate on letting him decompress for a few months. It isnt all going wrong. Its just new. You will find your feet x

[Sadsnake]

Thankyou ..I hope you are all right...I sent the deregister letter a while back ,so I could send him back now ..although when he was busy hitting me today ,I sure felt like it.

[Sadsnake]

Couldn't not could

[Branleuse]

Just remember there is no rush. Reduce his stressors and dont force him into difficult situations if you dont absolutely have to. You can work on building him up to going out and doing some work later when hes more ready. Remember why youre doing this, and try not to get panicky that the results arent always quick.

xx

[Sadsnake]

I just didn't think it would be this hard...I thought once out of school he would be happy and nice to be around..why is he still cross and grumpy.he got what he wanted.he dosnt want to go back ...I can't bare being stuck in the house.my depression sets in....it feels like I'm sacrificing my mental health for his.....which I know is what you are supposed to do as a parent..and I should feel happy he's not under such stress anymore..but I just feel like a deflated balloon...please god let this pass.

[Branleuse]

I think its unrealistic to expect instant results. Why dont you set yourself a time frame of say 6 months or a year and see whether his MH has improved then.
Removing his major stressor is important, ie school, but hes still autistic and there will still be issues when home educated. Hopefully they will become fewer and fewer, and if they dont improve, you could make a decision later as to whether maybe a SEN school would be better?

[Sadsnake]

Thank you,yes that is kind of the conclusion i have come to.possibly to look to a special school for secondary..it gives me light at the end of the tunnel.him a nice long break from school.to hopefully go back refreshed.hes yr 3 ,so only a few yrs x

[Waddlelikeapenguin]

I dont know if this is relevant but I know a couple of families where the behaviour got much much worse initially when taken out of school but everything got much better after while. It was described as if the kids were checking if they woukd be sent back to school/testing boundaries.
I hope things get easier soon

[Sadsnake]

Thanks penguin,and everyone else...it's not really getting any better to be honest.i was -am due some counselling through talking space I've been waiting a year...it's just occurred to me ..what am I going to do with him,while I go..sit him in the corridor with a bag of crisps ? I've spent the last 20 yrs putting the family first,I've nothing left to give...the work he's covered with me is amazing it's all dated and documented and plenty of it..so on the surface it looks like we are doing amazingly well..but I'm running on empty and permanently close to tears.

[GiveMePrivacy]

Poor you, @Sadsnake. Sounds tough.
There are often challenging kids at HE groups, as others have said - if you can be open to people at the groups, hopefully they will understand. So many will face been in your shoes, once.

Tbh I've seen plenty of kids who remain very challenging regardless of how long they've been out of school, and amongst those who have never been to school.
Are you in touch with local autism support groups and the National Autistic Society? They have some great online forums and very knowledgeable volunteers and staff, often with home ed experience. I think people who have BTDT are best placed to support you.

I have also known home ed kids who turn out to be more settled at school, ASD or not, so hold that possibility in mind.

Sacrificing your mental health is not a mark of a good parent, so don't do that to yourself. Your son needs you to be mum first - everything else is secondary. If your relationship with him suffers through him being home all the time then he'd be better off at school. It's difficult for a child if his primary caregiver is depressed. Home education is great if it works for both of you. If it doesn't seem to be working after whatever period you want to try, then ask for another school place. You can always do that.

Regarding counselling, phone your local branch of MIND and ask if they can suggest anything else. I thought that nowadays there were supposed to be pathways for much faster referral. Your GP may have put you on the slow track when there are better options available - MIND will know.