Does it sound like i should take DS out of school?

[RudeElf]

(Reposting here as advised on my other thread in SEN.)

And home educate?

For background, this is most recent thread i posted about him here

Things at home have been really good. He very rarely loses temper and i can bring him back round/calm him within seconds.

However i had parent teacher meeting yesterday and tbh i'm just gutted. Teacher says nothing has changed. He is spending lots of time in the bathroom or cloakroom. She says she initially tried to bring him back to classroom but she no longer tries as it ends up in a confrontation and battle of wills between her and DS. So she doesnt try. He is missing so much classwork because of this. He is on target for his numeracy but he is doing the year below work for literacy. He regularly refuses to co-operate with teacher/classroom assistant. He will start some set tasks and then suddenly refuse to do anymore and go off and play. (He does homework every night with me no problem) he was off sick yesterday and monday and she said the atmosphere in the classroom was so different. No-one was walking on eggshells afraid of setting him off and the children werent flinching incase he hurt them sad she did say the incidents of violence have really dropped but they are still occurring. (These are recorded in his daily book so i know they have reduced but still happening) if there is no change in april he will be referred to educational psychologist. (I dont know why this hasnt been done sooner. Issues have been going on since p1 and he is now p3) i have asked for him to be re-referred to the family support hub for the behavioural therapist sessions. These were happening weekly since july but are limited with how many sessions can be given so ended a few weeks ago. Therapist advised me to re-refer. I have also applied through GP for referral to paediatrician for assessment of ADHD.

I am worried that DS will not be allowed/able to progress to P4 in september and will have to remain back a year with this teacher who, honestly, i think hasnt a clue what to do with him. The teacher he would be going to in P4 (unless they change them around again!) taught him for p2 and she was fantastic, he made real progress with her but that all went to pot when he started P3. I really think it would be detrimental for DS to be with this current teacher for another year. But i think that right now it looks like he wont be capable of P4 in september. I am working really hard with him at home with reading and writing and at home he is great, he loves it but at school he is unco-operative.

I am starting to think i should take him out of school and homeschool. If even for a year or two to bring him to a level where he can manage at the right level for his age and then he can go back to school. Is that stupid? Would i be messing him up even more by taking him away from his friends? Would he think he was being punished for being bold or not smart enough? He already knows he is doing the P2 work in school.

Sorry if this is all a ramble.

[gandalf456]

What does the head say? Can you change classes over a teacher? Would a H/T be supportive of that? Would moving schools or going to a special school be an option? How do you feel about home ed?

[RudeElf]

I havent yet spoken to the head about taking him out. She hasnt actually been involved with me wrt his behaviour or his IEP or anything. It has just been the class teacher discussing everything. Changing class could be an option, i have friends with DC in the other class but dont know how they find the teacher. It would mean changing the language in which he is taught which isnt a massive issue on the whole but i would prefer him to retain his language skills and build on them. I am wary of changing class/school and the issues not changing and then still having to take him out. I worry that it tells him he isnt good enough for any school. Special school will require a statement which may or may not happen depending on whether he gets a diagnosis or not.

I feel ok about home educating. It will mean i have to give up work and find work from home which is an issue and also i (selfishly) worry about losing that childfree time that comes from Dc being at school but we are central in a medium/large town and lots of places to go to meet other HEers and loads of activities to do.

[WhispersOfWickedness]

I would home ed tbh, it doesn't sound like anyone is getting anything out of this situation

[RudeElf]

I know. Ds is miserable in school. He says he hates it and nobody wants to be his friend. I know why! But it is still hard on him. My older DS is flourishing in the same school. The only time we had issues was when he had the same teacher DS2 has now. She reported problems with DS1 being distractible, chatty, leaving his seat, etc. He is 10 now (in p6) and top of his class with no behavioural issues mentioned since he left that teacher in p3. I had anticipated there being problems when Ds2 went to her class and i was right. Here they are. Not saying he didnt already have issues before, he did which was why i knew to expect it, but i knew this teacher's way of handling would make it worse. He was doing so well last year, his teacher was trying out different methods to help him self calm and he loved her.

[IceBeing]

I would second that - it doesn't really sound like school is working. If you can't get a class move and can HE then I think I would.

It can be a lot easier to make friends within HE groups because there is a more adult, less playground feel to it.

[BarbarianMum]

Do you think he would settle and cooperate with a different teacher? If you do, why not pursue this option with the school to see if it's possible? If it is, then you can choose bw that and HE. If it isn't, then HE would seem to be the way forward.

[badoll]

RudeElf: I would move him asap. Keep him home and break the cycle. When my daughter was 6 and had just started a new school, one afternoon the teacher informed me that DD had thrown a chair at her. I had never had any problem behaviour before so asked DD what had happened. She told me that she had not wanted to do something or other and the teacher had gripped her arm so tightly that it hurt her wrist. I knew she was telling the truth. I did not complain to the head, I simply gathered her belongings together and told this teacher that we would not be back. I felt upset because my daughter had made lots of friends there. It was the best thing I could have done. DD was a gifted child and I knew that this teacher resented her and I realised that things could only get worse. I did not want to CREATE a problem child. I never experienced another incident in other schools although I came across many teachers who tried to verbally demean her intelligence. She stayed home after the age of 11, taught herself (no tutors) and, at 18, read her way into reading politics at Cambridge. Aged 28, she has recently completed her PhD there. Schools teach compliance. If your child doesn't want to comply with what he sees as nonsensical rules etc, they will stamp on him. Break the cycle. A couple of years can make an enormous difference to the way a child deals with things. Please do not allow a problem teacher to give you a problem child. There are plenty of schools. Either try a different one (though they are mostly the same) or home educate.

[RudeElf]

Thanks badoll i made the decision to move him into another class in the same school after the mid term break. So far he has been doing so much better. There has been no hiding in toilets or tantrums. He is now eager to do his work and believes he can do it. Whereas before he was convinced he couldnt do any of the work. There are still small incidents where he will clash with another pupil but the teacher is nipping it all right in the bud. She is fantastic. It is still early days and i am under no illusions, DS has his issues but my goodness he is a different child right now and so far this new class and teacher is working very well for him. I will say that since i moved him i have been approached by 3 separate people regarding concerns they had about his previous teacher. It seems it was just DS that was/is having these problems.

[RudeElf]

Just to add, home educating is far from off the cards. If he is still struggling after a while its probably the only option.

[badoll]

Hi RudeElf. I'm so glad things are looking better. Just confirms my belief that it's the teacher who is often the problem. I don't want to put you off schools entirely. Children can enjoy them. I also have a son aged 25 who was first home educated, then went on to a famous boarding school (on a full scholarship), and then went on to Cambridge. He's actually cynical about schools in general and views them with amusement, but he had lots of fun at school and enjoyed his years there. So it can work out well both ways.

[RudeElf]

My older son is doing brilliantly in school. I think he would really struggle with a HE environment. He loves school and is achieving well. Its kind of comforting to see that as it confirms it isnt something i'm doing wrong. Its just two different personalities and learning styles.