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What to do when one parent doesn't want to HE...

(41 Posts)
MistletoeBUTNOwine Thu 16-Jul-15 21:33:53

Dp is against me home educating our son (currently only 18 months).
My Dd (10) from a previous relationship is 'unschooled ' and I think it's great.
Dp unsists he wants ds to go to s

MistletoeBUTNOwine Thu 16-Jul-15 21:36:51

Stupid phone...
School. I've said we can compromise and try it when he is 5.. But because I want to HE, he thinks I'll go back on this and be unsupportive if he isn't enjoying school.
This will ultimately break us up.
Any help out there?
He thinks all HEers are weirdo freaks (he's met a few). hmmhmm

wannabestressfree Thu 16-Jul-15 21:41:27

I am surprised this wasn't discussed before. It's a pretty major thing to disagree on....

SocietyClowns Thu 16-Jul-15 22:16:27

So does he think your dd is a weirdo?

Nigglenaggle Thu 16-Jul-15 22:16:55

Why would it have been discussed before? Their DC is 18mths. I don't believe it's normal to say 'Let's try for a baby! By the way, before we start, I'd just like you to know that I'm against home education'

findingherfeet Thu 16-Jul-15 22:21:36

He's basically saying that you are raising your daughter wrongly and are not able to educate your children sufficiently yourself, quite a deal breaker if you're set on your choice....however I'm with your husband, why not let your DS try nursery/school etc and see if if suits him. Presumably he has PR? If you were to split presumably the resident parent would get to choose? I'm not sure?

annandale Thu 16-Jul-15 22:21:51

Does he think home education is wrong for all children or specifically for ds? What does he say about your dd/her education?

There's no doubt that home education can be less than perfect like any type of education. I also think it's true that some children fit brilliantly into school settings, my ds is one. But I think if you are passionately pro, he needs to come up with some specific arguments against?

wannabestressfree Fri 17-Jul-15 06:29:52

Niggle I assumed it would have come up due to already having a child in that situation. He could have said its not something I would want for my child.

ltk Fri 17-Jul-15 06:40:35

So are you still HE-ing your 10yo dd? What are dh's objections and are they based on your dd's education?

ommmward Fri 17-Jul-15 08:06:34

I think it's probably an occasion for a softly softly approach. You've got almost three years before you'd need to apply for a school place, by which point presumably your ds will be totally integrated into the he community, with lots of friends and regular weekly activities, and will have spent several years demonstrating that he is a learning machine.

In a way, I can see your dp's anxiety because at 18 months, he's only been walking a wee while, the language explosion maybe hasn't yet happened, he won't have started mark making much - all those classic things we unschoolers point at to say"look, our children are keen and able to learn all this important stuff". But in a year or two, all of that will be much more obvious.

On the other hand, I might be inclined to point out gently that you are actually an expert in this, you've been doing it for six years officially and preparing for the previous four, and there is a lot of knowledge in behind it. So you need him to read all the obvious literature and then it will be up to him to persuade you rationally that institutional education can come anywhere close to being as effective and efficient a preparation for 21st century adult life.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Fri 17-Jul-15 08:11:38

I think it should have been discussed before as well. Preferably before deciding to have a family. I wouldn't want it for my children. I don't know that there is a compromise, OP. Put him in school until he is old enough to make a decision himself?

ncterrornc Fri 17-Jul-15 08:19:20

He's totally entitled to a say in how ds is educated - how about nursery one day a week so that you can all see how ds is with semi formal cc? If he loves it and enjoys being with the other children in a low level educational place then I think it's fair to consider school tbh. I'm not totally against HE but I have seen the results of it done badly so I'm a bit biased towards trying school first.

AlfalfaMale Fri 17-Jul-15 13:51:40

Why is the default so often to try school first though?

Is it because, if you expand the sentences, they end up something like this:

I'm not totally against HE but I've seen the results of it done badly so I'm biased towards school because if it goes badly I can blame someone else.


I'm not totally against school but I've seen the results of it done badly so I'm biased towards HE even though if it goes wrong people will blame me.

AlfalfaMale Fri 17-Jul-15 13:56:16

Sorry, that's not very clear. It's just I don't understand the assumption that school will be the default answer, there's no logic in it.

There's this thing, "school" which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't. Whether it works or not will be outside of my control.

And there's this other thing, "home ed" which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't. Whether it works or not will be inside my control.

The second seems to make more sense.

Sorry OP, I've hijacked your thread a bit. I understand how you feel though, from the opposite PoV: home-edding one child while I've child from a previous relationship continues at school.

PaintingTheWindows Fri 17-Jul-15 14:00:22

You can have one in school and one out of school. We do.

I think it is finding the right fit for the child, not the parent. One of my children does not fit in mainstream. One thrives. <shrug> so they are where THEY fit best.

I agree about the default being school. This is generally because it is societies expectation that your child will attend school. (Even though the home ed community is huge)

If you want to HE your ds, what does your partner think of your dd and her academic skills? Can you use them as an example?

Nigglenaggle Fri 17-Jul-15 17:08:46

I don't know if it makes you feel better or not OP, but DH and I used to argue all the time about what sort of school we were going to send the children to, we never dreamed that home education would be the answer - we just didn't think of it. Maybe you two will similarly find common ground somewhere unexpected.

Iggi999 Fri 17-Jul-15 17:13:10

HE means you couldn't work? Maybe he doesn't want the responsibility of being the breadwinner for ever.

Floralnomad Fri 17-Jul-15 17:15:15

What is it about HE that he doesn't like ? When you say your dd is 'unschooled' what does she actually do or is it his experience of living with you that has put him off . I agree with pp that it's perfectly reasonable to have one dc that goes to school and one that doesn't - I have one that went to school / uni and is just about to start his NQT year - my other dc is HE .

Floralnomad Fri 17-Jul-15 17:16:46

HE doesn't mean you can't go to work - you just find a job that fits in with your DC and OH ,it's perfectly possible .

SocietyClowns Fri 17-Jul-15 18:51:10

Maybe this is what your dp is concerned about.

bebanjo Fri 17-Jul-15 19:22:38

Because the powers that be can see every child in school can't they, oh wait, dident a 4 year old starve to death after being seen taking food out of a bin?

Sorry to op for rant.

ommmward Fri 17-Jul-15 19:32:36


Yes, SocietyClowns - that's the one thing that puts me off home educating - the possibility that my children will get very overweight and then die of a deep vein thrombosis. Had that poor lad been in school, he'd definitely have been supported through whatever issues he had that were making him obese, and then he'd have been able to get healthy, like all the other obese teenagers whose health and social problems get solved in school.


SocietyClowns Fri 17-Jul-15 20:21:36

Well, isn't it interesting that the OP hasn't returned to the thread to explain how she has brought up her dd and why her dp may not be so happy with the same for their joint ds... What did she expect posters to say? Suggest ways to browbeat her dp into accepting her lifestyle? Point out that 'unschooling' (what a shite word that is by the way- you don't un-school a child that has never been to school) is the bees knees?

ommmward Fri 17-Jul-15 20:30:00

You "de-school" a child who has been to school (a recovery process for those who have been in school for some time, particularly when there has been trauma of some kind). It is perfectly normal to go through "de-schooling" and then introduce a formal, adult led style of education.

"Unschooling" is a US term, partly introduced (I think) because "home schooling" is their usual terminology, and the people who advocate an approach that is child led and looks nothing like school wanted a term that expresses better what they do. In the uk, it is often more common to talk about "autonomous home education", which might offend you less but is more of a mouthful.

It's very common for people who get interested in home education to find that one or other parent is more keen on the idea to start with, and then gradually the more resistant parent learns more about it, sees how well it works, and becomes just as keen. So the OP might well be looking for people to offer advice about how that process played out in their own families.

Remember that this is the quiet little HE support topic - maybe it popped up onto active threads or something for you?

SocietyClowns Fri 17-Jul-15 21:18:25

ommmward Thank you for the explanation. It popped up on the home ed topic which I am in fact following. I have my own thread going at the moment, asking for advice, and I am not opposed to HE.

Still wonder why the OP hasn't bothered to answer any questions though.

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