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Is HE the right thing for DS? Please help me think this through!

(6 Posts)
lostinafrica Sun 02-Oct-11 05:11:26

I posted here recently about DD2 who started HE in August. It took us a wihle to settle into it, but it's going well now.

Now I am starting to think about HEing DS... He started reception in August, and has had some trouble settling in. His behaviour around other children is usually silly (chasing girls - even in circle time, pulling out pigtails) and he is prone to huge tantrums when asked to read, write or do numeracy worksheets!

There are aspects of school he enjoys while he's there. Toys and activities that we can't replicate at home, time with his friends when he's getting on with them (not sure how much this is!). DH and I had a meeting with his teacher last week, when she put in place a reward chart for him, and at that time I said how about HE? And DH's attitude was that that would be a reward for bad behaviour, giving him what he wants. Well, as a result of the reward chart, his behaviour is a lot better. I'm not sure how long he can keep that up, so if we're going to withdraw him, maybe it should be sooner rather than later.

He hates going into school, to the point of worrying about it the night before, but he also hates leaving school, too (they read a story to all the kids while the parents arrive to take them home - most leave the story happily to go with their parents, DS shouts, "No, go away, you're too early!" - bless him, the bookworm!) - so he seems to have trouble with transitions.

Am I too influenced by the home behaviour, which I can see, and not by all the times he's enjoying school, which I can't see? Does it matter if the few occasions he dislikes school have grown in his mind to a general dislike of school? Am I trying to withdraw him too soon, without giving school a proper chance? I don't think that school is the default position, but DH does. I think he's surprised how well HE is going with DD2, but I don't think he's that convinced yet.

SDeuchars Mon 03-Oct-11 07:57:40

I am posting because I don't like leaving you without an answer...

I didn't respond when I first read this because I don't think you are really asking a question any of us can answer. You need to have the conversation with your DH. He can see that HE works for your DD. You know there are problems with DS.

Would it be worth suggesting to DH that you withdraw DS from reception and re-evaluate next summer. At that point you may decide that HE is a going so well you want to continue or you may decide that DS would benefit from school.

I said how about HE? And DH's attitude was that that would be a reward for bad behaviour, giving him what he wants.

Another way to look at it is that he can't help being who he is and sending him to school is, in effect, punishing him for being himself. Is he deliberately setting out to upset people? Or is he simply unable to handle what he is being asked to do and therefore is behaving in an inappropriate way? If the latter, then HE is not a reward for bad behaviour any more than it would be a reward to allow a deaf child to stop attending violin lessons.

zebidee Mon 03-Oct-11 13:16:19

I took mine out of nursery because of the effect it was having on her behaviour and happiness. She had similar reactions to your DS and simply wasn't ready for the situation (it was a very structured nursery training them to 'behave' and 'conform' ready for reception).

I think the only way it can be interpreted as a 'reward' for bad behaviour is if you're inconsistent with it, i.e. still registered with the school but let him stay at home after he has tantrums about not going; then, at other times, force him to go arbitrarily. Neither one of those would be addressing how he feels or what it is that is causing the 'problems' (I use quotes because I sincerely believe that some children are not ready for school and acting out is their only way of dealing with their feelings, but this is only my opinion).

Only you can decide what's best but listed to your gut and talk rationally with everyone involved before you decide!

lostinafrica Mon 03-Oct-11 18:30:50

You're right that I have to answer this myself... but your answers have helped me see the situation more clearly.

To add to all my indecision, DS has been happy to go to school yesterday and today and still behaved well once there. So I guess we will continue with the status quo for a while.

Too tired to think straight, anyway - so perhaps he's better off with livelier teachers!

zebidee Tue 04-Oct-11 15:40:17

Good luck with your decision smile

Betelguese Fri 07-Oct-11 19:54:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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