DD came home very often in first year, how to avoid in second? Any advice welcomed!

(130 Posts)
Royalbiscuit Tue 04-Aug-20 18:33:50

DD19 got very homesick in her first year and as a result came home frequently, a lot of the time it was every other week. Shes at uni 3 hours away by direct train in a lively city, home is fairly rural and quiet.
I dont want her to feel unwelcome in her own home but at the same time it's a financial drain (I'm a single parent and she gets full loan amount), I was looking forward to my bills going down once she was away. And to having the house to myself and enjoying the peace, no lifts etc.

Plus after having her at home for 3 months I do not want a repeat of this. When i was at uni 25 odd years ago my mum had to beg me to come home!

If anyone has any experience of this or advice I would be very grateful. Thanks smile

OP’s posts: |
GCAcademic Tue 04-Aug-20 18:49:50

I would tell her it’s not appropriate to be constantly travelling back and forth across the country at the moment, and she needs to stay put in her household / course bubble. As someone who works in a university and will have to spend extended periods in unventilated rooms with students in the autumn, I’m pretty pissed off at the thought that I will probably end up getting ill because my students won’t reduce their social contacts

Thehorrorthehorror Tue 04-Aug-20 19:42:13

Well, surely if it's every other weekend and just for the weekend, it can't be that much of a financial drain/peace disruption, can it, unless you're feeding her Veuve Cliquot and caviar and she's throwing parties every night?

I mean, I understand that you'd like her to come home less, but what frequency would suit you? In my home country, for instance, the vast majority of students who didn't live at home and go to their local university went home most weekends, for weekend jobs in their hometowns and to plug back into their 'home' social lives -- and first year accommodation often was only Monday-Friday There's no 'correct' amount, just what suits people.

Thehorrorthehorror Tue 04-Aug-20 19:42:59

But also what @GCAcademic said, for her own safety and that of others.

nx12 Tue 04-Aug-20 19:56:37

This might not address the financial aspect, but could you arrange to visit her (assuming you don't already!). Plan it in advance, plan some nice things to do/see, talk about it and really look forward to it. Then you can frame it as 'well, I'll be seeing you in x weeks anyway!' to dissuade visits home too often.

Mrstwiddle Tue 04-Aug-20 19:59:36

Wow, I think this is very harsh. She’s your daughter. I live abroad and go back to my parents home each year for weeks/months at a time, can’t imagine I’d bother visiting much if I felt unwelcome.

MrsGrindah Tue 04-Aug-20 20:03:35

I understand OP simply because I wanted to do this when I was unhappy at uni. I think you need to try to get to the root cause of the problem...why does she want to come home so much? Also she is old enough for you to have a frank conversation about the financial implications of this without her feeling unwelcome. Coming home all the time isn’t a solution.

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audweb Tue 04-Aug-20 20:06:06

This was me. For the first year or so. Eventually I settled more and made friends, and ended up still living in my uni town. So it might change, but it might not. I’d argue that she needs your support, and not told not to come back as much. It’s just every couple of weeks? Surely you still have plenty of you time despite that (and I am single parent so I understand that need).

AuntieMarys Tue 04-Aug-20 20:06:09

She needs to be spending time with her friends, not coming home. Has she had issues with friendships?

Hardbackwriter Tue 04-Aug-20 20:09:34

You talk about lifts, so is she seeing friends when she's back? I can see why you'd prefer she'd come back less; leaving aside the financial side (though I appreciate that's important) she can't be settling in very well. What's her accommodation situation for her second year? If she'll be living with friends rather than in halls she might feel more 'rooted' there.

The simplest solution would be to encourage her to get a job at university, as then coming home so frequently is unlikely to be possible. Easier said than done, in the current economic climate, though...

DrDreReturns Tue 04-Aug-20 20:10:25

Is the issue you are paying for her travel costs?

uglyface Tue 04-Aug-20 20:11:13

Does she feel the need to keep you company, so you’re not lonely?

Looneytune253 Tue 04-Aug-20 20:12:00

I don't know if the issue is that you're paying her travelling costs? If so tell her she has to cover that and I bet the number of visits will reduce. If it's not that I can't see how it costs you too much more than you're used to and although I see why you would prefer the peace I would still let her come

Fatted Tue 04-Aug-20 20:13:13

Bloody hell OP, you sound harsh! I travelled back quite a lot, but I didn't live as far away. I still wanted to go out and see my friends at home as well as my family.

Don't make her feel like she isn't welcome FGS. Perhaps ask her how she is feeling about being at uni. Does she enjoy her course? Has she settled in and made friends on her course/in halls? Does she travel home to see friends or a boyfriend? Are any of her other friends from home away at uni too? If she has only ever lived somewhere rural, then she's probably struggling adapting to life in a lively city. Cut her some slack and do more to support her.

elfycat Tue 04-Aug-20 20:13:20

I went home as often as I could, pretty much every time I had 2 days off in a row (student nurse in London in the 1990s). I think leaving home is a gradual process for some people and they need that sense of their parent's house still being their home. Id she's in student accommodation that might feel like a temporary place she puts her head down and not her home. The room in the nursing home was never my 'home'.

It's not ideal at the moment, with travelling and Covid, but if she's like I was and needed that connection then a gentle and understanding conversation would be in order to try to bolster her confidence at living independently. As others have said talk to her about why she wants to come home, and if there are any problems, but it might just be her missing you.

I understand it's an extra expense for you, but at that age I still needed the connection to home and I'd have been upset to think my parents expected me gone - it would have damaged my ongoing relationship to them so FGS don't let that be the bit you emphasise.

StonersPotPalace Tue 04-Aug-20 20:14:51

I would've hated to feel unwelcome in my own home.

ButteryPuffin Tue 04-Aug-20 20:15:29

What's her living situation going to be for second year? Is she moving out of halls to share with friends?

BobFleming Tue 04-Aug-20 20:16:27

Our son came home every 3 weeks in his first year. We were delighted to have him if he felt the need, tbh.

2nd and 3rd years, we barely saw him.

Rhubardandcustard Tue 04-Aug-20 20:18:19

Think that’s the wrong move myself but you know your daughter better than us.

If it was my daughter though I wouldn’t be saying this - this could be making all the difference to her not dropping out of uni entirely- how would you feel then?

DrDreReturns Tue 04-Aug-20 20:19:19

Well I went home once in term time in my first year at uni. It was £35 for a return train ticket. I couldn't afford to go home more often.

Yellowfeather Tue 04-Aug-20 20:20:31

I think it's fair enough not to have her home so often. Is she sharing a house with friends next term? That should feel more homey than halls.I'm sure you want her to be happy and settled at uni.

Maybe put two weekends in the diary now for next term, and have some things in your own diary too so that you're not available to entertain her so much.

SteelyPanther Tue 04-Aug-20 20:24:19

I wish my child came home that often.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion Tue 04-Aug-20 20:26:10

Every 2 weeks isn't that often confused. I feel really sad for your dd.

Yellowfeather Tue 04-Aug-20 20:30:28

It's really often! She needs to learn to live her own life away from home. That's the point of growing up.

Royalbiscuit Tue 04-Aug-20 20:37:35

Thanks all for the comments. Reading back my OP, it does sound a little harsh. Probably because its been a long lockdown. As I stated, I dont want her to feel unwelcome in her own home.
To answer some questions: She is not a party animal at all, shes quite a homebody. Most of her friends are online. She mostly misses the dog she says, which is why she comes home. I send her many photos of the dog.
I've been to visit her a couple of times. Would have been more but shes always here!
She was in halls last year, shared house this. I'm hoping that will help, she didnt really click with anyone in her corridor.
She has a part time job in a restaurant in uni city. Which shes still getting furlough pay for and will be going back to in october.

OP’s posts: |

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