Anyone's else's dc suddenly v anxious about leaving for uni? Help

(8 Posts)
GrimGirl Sat 17-Aug-19 09:52:57

How are you handling it? Can anyone help me to help him. I'm at my wits end.

DS 20 2nd attempt at uni. Went 2017 to a uni 1.5hrs away. Loved uni life but hated his v academic course. Came home April 18, has been home 18 months. Did a 1 year arts based college course locally. Was offered unconditional Uni offer back in March for first choice uni and arts based course (course is now only course in the country as very niche and the only 2 other unis have dropped it). New uni is almost 4 hours away.

Last week he's been in tears saying he's anxious about going. After several chats I think it's cos of his girlfriend he's been seeing since Xmas. He says not but I read a list of pros and cons he put in the bin and she featured on every con to going and every pro for staying here.

Girlfriend is a lovely girl studying at our university city 25 miles away. Bit of background...we are not from this town. We moved here summer 2017 (army family) after his A levels, so he has absolutely no previous life here or social circle. We live in a small town 25 miles from a large city. The college he attended was in our town and although he enjoyed the course which confirmed to him it was the correct route to follow (arty not academic) he only made a handful of friends and even they weren't really his bag. He likes them but not 100% clicks with them. He still sees a few of them since college now and again but since meeting his gf in nearby uni city, his life has revolves sround there. He's enjoyed the uni social life alongside her, staying at her place often. He had a part time job briefly that ended at the start of the summer and not managed to find another job yet.
I feel he has NOTHING here other than his lovely gf.
I feel he is putting all his eggs in 1 basket to stay here. There aren't many prospects and he has no plan if he stays other than "get some kind of job". The uni locally offers no courses remotely like the one he planned to do up north.
I feel if he hadnt met his gf life would be dull here and he would be excited to go to uni for a better social life as much as his course but he keeps crying saying he's having doubts about his course and the new uni is too far away.

I just don't know what to advise. He's also stressed cos he made a mistake before on the wrong course and quit and came home and says he's scared he's making a mistake. His attitude towards his new uni is v negative. He just seems off and rather critical of the social media groups he's been added to 're his new uni.

Any words of wisdom?? I'm in knots seeing him so emotionally wrought. He is normally so level headed and chilled out this really isn't like him.

I did say the other day to him, oh just dont go then because i lost my patience with his negative attitude. I said its not the be all and end all to go to uni. If he wanted to stay here that's fine but he'd need a job pronto if not studying but he's been upset about that too. He said he's not.happy about that option either.

I strongly feel that without his gf..... what does he have here?? The few old college friends he does have are off to unis miles away so he will have gf and no one else until he finds a job. He currently has no hobbies other than cinema, gym and bars etc all which he doe with his gf and her uni circle of friends.

OP’s posts: |
RedHelenB Sat 17-Aug-19 10:58:59

Is there really no course at his gf s uni that would be worth doing?

PickwickThePlockingDodo Sat 17-Aug-19 15:34:51

I think for the sake of his mental health he would be better looking at his gf's uni. As Helen says, is he sure there are no courses that takes his fancy?

HugoLast Sat 17-Aug-19 15:52:21

Would it encourage him to go if he knows he can leave if it doesn't work out? Sometimes knowing that you have an escape route takes the pressure off.
Can you offer financial/ practical help ( money for train fares/ lifts) to help him see his GF fairly frequently?
Can you remind him that university terms are quite short- and that will leave them plenty of weeks in the year to be closer together?
Going to university doesn't mean his relationship is ruined or ended- yes a long distance relationship is different- but this is term-time only.

GrimGirl Sat 17-Aug-19 22:56:03

The courses at our "local" uni are more academic than arts based which us the direction he's changed to, otherwise that would be the ideal solution.
He seems fine this weekend but has his gf staying here and enjoyed 2 nights out with her and her crowd so far this weekend.
I will mention the shorter terms when she's gone on Monday and no doubt he will be down all over again.
I know it's not the be all and end all but it's still alot if money....We've already paid his accommodation deposit and gone Guarantor. There is now no get out clause so unless we find someone else we have to cough up the £6.5k over the next year whether he goes or not. Pretty hard yo stomachs as we had the same problem when he quit last time.
I'm trying hard to be sympathetic and I am worried for him, but underneath (im not showing it as I'm so concerned) I am actually very angry that we are in this accommodation situation yet again.

OP’s posts: |
KeepHimJolene Sun 18-Aug-19 01:06:51

@GrimGirl Go to Uni city now for a 48hr trip together to scout it out, take the gf if needed! When freshers starts, go up for a few days to a local hotel and support him, encourage him etc plus gf can go to freshers with him as she will start back at uni later. Buy a ticket for gf to visit him 10 days later. Then a ticket for him to visit her 2 weeks later. Before he knows it will be reading week (Oct half term) and he is home. Practical support is needed. He will not make friends well over freshers, it is too intense but will once he starts his course. You need to support him, get him registered at a GP, perhaps get something for anxiety before he leaves your local GP. SUPPORT SUPPORT SUPPORT lead from the front.

ShhhBeQuiet Sun 18-Aug-19 20:33:41

What a tricky situation. Would it be difficult for your son and his girlfriend to meet at the weekends?


SoonerthanIthought Sun 18-Aug-19 21:28:18

As shhbequiet and other pp have suggested, what about planning on the basis that he'll come back every two weeks for the weekend? It depends where he's going, but at some/many universities it really isn't that uncommon for students to go home often at the weekends (probably not approved of on some of mn but who cares?!)

I think I remember a thread about your ds at the time he dropped out but could be misremembering? Anyway, congratulations to him for working out what he wants to do and getting the place! It would be a real shame if he didn't pursue what he wants to do, especially as it sounds as though it may lead to (niche?) employment - but relationship ties can be very strong at this age. So maybe the 4 hr slog back on Friday and Sunday evenings is the compromise? (Not ideal, but better than the other options. And yes as a pp has said, can you facilitate it by financing the journeys?)

Unfortunately your ds may be worried that gf may not stick around once he's gone - that's not unrealistic, so I have a lot of sympathy for him!

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