Dropped DD off at Uni yesterday, she is coming home today

[Pirrip]

I had doubts that she was ready to go. I've checked at regular intervals over the last year that she really wants to go to university as she has ASD characteristics (according to CAHMS), anxiety disorder and a compulsive disorder. I tried to talk her into going the apprenticeship route, but she has insisted that she wanted to go, there's nothing else for her. She chose a university that is fairly near home, though just outside comfortable commuting distance.

We dropped her off yesterday, fantastic room, she seemed excited. We left at about 4.30 pm. By 6.00 pm the texts started coming in - feeling sick, not sure this is the right thing etc. I reassured her that these were normal feelings, no doubt lots of other feeling the same etc. By 7.00 she was insisting on coming home by coach to see us face to face. I suggested that she at least gave it a few days, but she was adamant. I doubt we will get her back to uni now. I don't mind that - I just wish she'd faced up to it not being for her earlier, or alternatively given it a reasonable go.

Besides being worried for her mental health (as ever) and what her next step will be, I'm also terrified about the money. We don't have any, and I think that we will be stuck with the bill for accommodation for the year. Has anyone else been in this position?

[user1499173618]

Oh dear! If she’s not ready, she’s not ready... what other opportunities are available to her if she lives at home?

[LIZS]

If it is close by could she attend as required on a day to day basis then see if she is ready to overnight next week. Iirc you can withdraw early on with no penalty. Are there any nearer unis/colleges she could attend and live at home?

[Pirrip]

Thanks for the replies.

We live in a fairly rural county - jobs are mainly hospitality and catering, care work and retail. She's not interested in any of those (or indeed, in anything much). There is a fairly local college of FE/HE that offers a foundation degree, in the subject she was due to study (Law) and it has links to the University she was going to. It could be an option.

We may be able to get her to commute for a week or so, but my feeling is that her mind is made up. Her thinking is extremely concrete and intransigent.

[Member]

I can empathise so much, I was thinking of starting a thread about my yr13 dd who I don’t think will be at all ready due to anxiety/depression and avoidance!(Sorry, didn’t mean to hijack/turn round to me).

Hopefully you won’t have to pay for the whole year’s accommodation, I would have thought most unis have waiting lists for halls for various reasons and can fill her space at some point. Obviously you need to contact the Uni as quickly as possible; the silver cloud is that she has decided so early rather than racking up thousands of debt partying with nothing to show for it.

[QOD]

Dd quit halls around Xmas. She was allowed to give notice and they waived her tenancy agreement for the last term as it was for medical reasons
She spent the first term there, then the second term was home a LOT. Managed to come off anxiety meds and GP wrote a letter agreeing she was better at home
You MAY be able to get out of the 2nd and 3rd term

[QOD]

I seem t o remember that if you found a new tenant to take your room then that released you

[ektomarie]

Instead of trying to make all her problems go away, ask her what she’s going to do next and help her break things down? She may feel that going back home is going to make everything go away (because you will take all pressure away and sort it).

Maybe sit with her and go through the consequences of her decision and what next steps/choices are available to her.

Don’t fix it for her.

[birdsdestiny]

I don't know if this helps but I dropped out of university because I couldn't cope with it. I had a management job until I had my children, I have a family, a home etc etc, what I am saying is even if she doesn't want to go back there are other ways forward. I found my own way, I just couldnt find it at 19.

[Pirrip]

Member it's so hard to know what to do for the best. On the one hand, you know your child and her limitations, on the other you want her to stretch herself and break through those limitations, whilst not making herself more ill.

Thanks QOD DD will be phoning student services tomorrow and will ask her to make an appointment at the GP to have yet another talk about her mental health.

We will talk to her today ektomarie and it's a really important point that you make. This will serve as a wake up call that she can't outrun her problems (I think that she thought she would leave them behind at home by going to university). Unfortunately, she has been unable to access help to address her issues effectively.

birdsdestiny I absolutely agree and I've got no problem with her not going to university. I love her dearly - I just need her to find something that she can realistically do and commit to it.

[DesertCactus]

Has she considered Open University?

[purplegreen99]

How horribly stressful for you and your dd.

I'd suggest talking to the uni tomorrow - ideally get your dd to do this, but otherwise she might need to speak to them to give permission for you to speak about her/on her behalf. You need to find out asap what her options are - what support might be available for her if she continues, the financial situation if she leaves, possibility of deferring for a year.

If she is set on leaving, as well as looking at deferring her current course, you could see if there are any more local universities for applying for next year - maybe she could commute from home or just stay during the week. She could also look at universities which might offer a similar course by distance learning or Open University courses, which also have the option of transferring to do 2nd/3rd year elsewhere.

[SayHello]

Yes wasso going to suggest open university I think that might be a good option op. Hope your dd is ok.

[DishranawaywiththeSpoon]

She sounds a lot like me. When i went to uni for the first few days I really really hated it, maybe for the first year and had a lot of mental health problems as a result (they were there before but undiagnosed). But I did make it through my degree in the end. I probably should have had a gap year because I really wasn't ready, but in the long run I had a great time at uni.

Just because on the first day she's having problems doesnt mean it's not for her, it's actually a fairly normal response. What's she's feeling is entirely normal, it might mean unis not for her which is fine or it might be something she can work around.

It might not be for her but if that's the case she probably needed to go to see that for herself, you might be able to see it but at 18 it's her decision and she needs to be able to come to her own conclusions. Lots and lots of people drop out of uni, I think about 10% of my course did first term. There will be people waiting for her room and they will fill it fairly quickly so I wouldn't worry that you will have to pay the bill, because it's the first week it should be fairly easy.

I think right now you don't need to think of options, she can think of those. Give her some time and talk through with her a) what she wants b) what was wrong and c)how she might be able to get there. Theres nothing wrong with trying things out and finding they're not for you.

[gottachangethename1]

Deferring for a year and doing the foundation course at local college could be a better option. She may be more ready next year, or make a decision that Uni just isn’t for her. All the best to you both.

[Quantumblue]

No advice but lots of sympathy. It is so hard knowing when to push and be bracing and when to comfort, nurture and fix.

[QOD]

I should add that dd commutes now. I don’t know if that made them more supportive as she’s still studying?

[Pirrip]

Thanks everyone for the advice and sympathy - it's been a stressful 24 hours for us all. Her coach is delayed, but she'll be home soon and we can talk about what's happened, think about why and how she can move forward (in whichever direction is best).

And Quantumblue, you've hit the nail on the head.

[harridan50]

My daughter came home after 2 weeks last year. If they leave within the first 2 weeks it does not trigger the tuition fees. We had to give a months notice on accomodation so paid 6 weeks in total, my daughter repaid the student loan that she had recieved, After working all year she is returning to start a new course in a much more positive frame of mind. She needs to contact the university tomorrow, good luck x

[molifly]

If she acts quickly and if she's in university accommodation she may be able to leave her contract. The longer she leaves it the harder it will be.

Also keep in mind that as soon as she enrols she will automatically have used 1 years funding therefore will have lost that funding even if she only attends for 1 week.

[ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName]

Another voice adding that just because she’s had a bad reaction doesn’t mean it’s not for her. I hated it at first but ultimately had fun and got through my degree.

[Crinkle77]

Is there a disability support service that might be able provide support for her? It could be worth contacting them to see what they can offer.

[Rebecca36]

Bless you. Nothing to add, everyone else has made so many sensible suggestions and your idea of the local foundation course sounds quite good too.

Just wanted to give you a virtual hug.

[PerfectPenquins]

Is there anyone who is able to stay nearby for a few days to help her settle in knowing there is someone there for her? I did this for my sister when she was adamant at coming home, We explored the area together, had a coffee with her hall mates that kind of thing. She managed to stay and did her three years in the end. Alternatively, my best friend did a gap year working temp jobs at home as she wasn't ready, a year later she went and loved it.

[bevelino]

OP, how far away do you live from the university, could she commute from home until she feels settled? If she no longer needs her room you should not be charged for the full year as there are often waiting lists and people looking to swap rooms.

[jmh740]

My son dropped out of uni in his first year his estranged father passed away weeks before he went and he didn't cope well, he was still liable for his accommodation but we have set up a payment plan to pay it off