(11 Posts)
vivprod Sun 16-Sep-18 00:06:18

My DD has just moved into her halls of residents at Uni. She does not drink but feels that this is a real no no.... The first night all the house mates got together, sat in the lounge area and drank shots, they got really drunk - she said she felt really left out even though she tried to have a laugh with them. I am worried that because chooses not to drink she may have trouble fitting in.

OP’s posts: |
AnneLovesGilbert Sun 16-Sep-18 00:12:04

She’ll be fine. Loads of students don’t drink for all manner of reasons.

She should look for friends with similar interests. Most friendships at university are formed through classes or clubs rather than halls which throw people together randomly.

ButFirstTea Sun 16-Sep-18 00:14:42

Try not to worry too much. I drank throughout uni but one of my best friends didn't and it didn't stop her making friends or going on nights out. There will be loads of others who don't drink for various reasons, it's not unusual at all. Its also more likely to feel more intense because it's all new. Once freshers week is over I'm sure it will seem a lot more normal not to drink!

MarchingFrogs Sun 16-Sep-18 07:45:04

You could treat her to a nice 'mocktail' recipe book? Then she could make herself something interesting-looking to drink - may even encourage her flatmates to try them?

sunshineroo Sun 16-Sep-18 07:52:24

This will calm down - it's just people dealing with freshers nerves.

Most places have a lot of non alcohol based events - maybe encourage your daughter to seek these out to make friends with likeminded people. Perhaps some
Of her housemates will come along too - by day 2 or 3 most want a bit of a break from the drinking

Crinkle77 Sun 16-Sep-18 15:15:30

There will be loads of clubs and societies she could join that don't involve alcohol.

WhirlyGigWhirlyGig Sun 16-Sep-18 15:31:11

She'll be fine, my dd does drink sometimes this week she's been a party animal but she's quite happy with not drinking and she certainly won't partake in drinking until she's spinning, vomiting drunk. Actually she went out Friday and only had 4 drinks in 7 hours.

She leaves next week and I know she's going to be one of the sensible ones.


TownHall Sun 16-Sep-18 15:41:47

Loads of students don’t drink. Two of my four are tea total and it wasn’t an issue for them. One still partied and went clubbing he just didn’t drink. He was occasionally teased a little or bought drinks but it wasn’t a problem at all. He thinks it saved him hundreds and hundreds of pounds too.

thejeangenie36 Sun 16-Sep-18 23:58:03

Typical Fresher's Week behaviour that will probably calm down by the end of the week. Being in halls should give her opportunities to make friends not based on drink. If not, there will be loads of clubs and societies. Many Students Unions now do non-alchohol based Fresher's events for people like your DD, so worth looking out for those.

Needmoresleep Mon 17-Sep-18 09:13:34

A lot seems to depend on University and Hall. DS does not drink and had no problems, making good friends through societies and course. But he was in London, which MNetters claim is 'dull'. DD is at a University approved by MN. She drinks but does not take drugs and wasn't interested in regular clubbing, and found her first year very difficult, labelled 'boring' by other members of her flat. We were told the partying would stop after 6 weeks when students had burnt through loan and overdraft, but it did not. Some seemingly had access to an endless supply of money.

Second year, with flatmates she has chosen and with a couple of good friends on her course, should be a whole lot better. The first year was tough. Leaving home, sharing with 11 randomly selected strangers, and feeling you dont fit in, was very isolating.

My advice would be:

1. Really engage in your course. That is why you are there. DD would not have survived if she were struggling academically, and not enjoying her course. It is probably the best place to make friends.

2. Join societies as an alternative to clubbing. As well as a chance to meet like minded people some of these societies will have a good proportion of British born ethnic minority students or overseas students, whose approach to University can be different and more about study than 'the experience'. DC suggest that school friends of theirs from Chinese, Vietnamese or Korean backgrounds have felt particularly isolated at University as others have seemingly assumed they are 'from China' and left them out, whilst without Mandarin it is difficult to mix with mainland Chinese. And there will be others who wont feel at ease during alcohol fueled freshers weeks but can be sought out when things calm down.

3. Wait six or so weeks and if it is clear she has found herself in a 'party flat' ask to move. Lots do. And there is bound to be someone who wants to move the other way because their flatmates are, supposedly, boring. Flat culture seems to be determined by one or two dominant characters. Great if the dominant character washes up and expects others to do the same. Not so great if the big personality regularly stays out till 4.00. Not all 18 year olds are that self assured, so others in the flat will follow the lead.

4. Accept that not everyone has a brilliant time at University. And actually it is often better to make friends slowly and carefully, than to make best friends in a bar in your first week and spend your second year with hastily chosen flatmates that you have nothing in common with.

5. DD got a lot of help from an older friend at another University and her Hall's senior resident. She had looked forward to University and so not fitting in was pretty brutal. Experienced voices who were able to reassure her that she was fine, and that her flat's behaviour was not, was very important.

bumpsadaisy11 Mon 17-Sep-18 09:40:05

This post has been a real comfort to me. We dropped our DD off at university yesterday. She is a real home bird & was absolutely petrified.
She doesn't drink & is very insular & was very scared about being completely isolated.
All the girls in her halls (except one) went on an absolute bender last night, in the on site bar & came back to the halls after 1 hour making one hell of a racket.
Bless there lovely hearts they went up to my DD's room apologised about the noise & invited her to the kitchen for a natter, they told her it was absolutely ok for her not to drink.
She went with them & sat chatting for about an hour before the other girls went off out again!!
Hopefully that will help put her mind at ease & realise that she is sharing halls with a lovely group of girls smile

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