DD may leave uni

[ginorwine]

Dd was ill during a levels and first term uni
She finds has minimal social life and her course is quite intensive cf to my

[dementedpixie]

My niece had just managed to defer until next year due to personal issues (her dad died suddenly and they were given notice to quit their rented house). Would that maybe be an option?

[ginorwine]

Oops sorry posted before meant to !

[ginorwine]

Quite intensive . She wants more balance re study and social and her house mates are v studious .
The issue is I think
First she is bright but not academic as in she got a grades in all exams but didn't enjoy the process
Second illness
Third
Misses boyfriend
Fourth she is using uni as a way to be away from
Home and be independent - no idea about career . Uni to buy time to grow and question which is good but in part makes her think what am I doing .

Another part of this issue feels almost taboo to discuss ...! Since both dc at uni my dh and I have got on really well . We love the space , the tidy house , being able to do more stuff as we have more energy .
Since dd been back this is not the case - I feel bad but I go to bedroom after tea some evenings to hide and get time by self . Dd b friend has moved in several nights a week since she has been home . He's great but it's people round us all the time , washing , clutter - cf to the quiet tidy house with more energy - feel terrible say this but we both much much prefer it when we have the house to ourselves for the first time in 20 years.
So since we have had a taste of freedom
We are struggling .
We are supposed to feel sad empty nesters but we don't and the return is something we are really struggling with . 😔

[LIZS]

Oh dear. if she leaves now will she reapply elsewhere for 2018 ? Is it the subject that is too much or her approach to it?

[ginorwine]

I think it's much more of an intensive course than she thought .

[AuntieAunt]

She's already half way through her first year. At most universities (if not all?) you can change your course if you pass the first year. Usually at English universities the first year doesn't 'count'. She could also look at transferring to another university for her second year?

If not, give her £50 for her Ryanair ticket to go travelling to 'find herself' ;)

[PilarTernera]

I completely understand what you mean about loving the space, the tidy house and having more energy to do stuff. I feel the same.

Could you set a boundary regarding how many nights a week the bf stays at yours? Sit down with dd, tell her it's nothing against him but you are not happy and have an adult discussion about what to do.

Any idea yet what she might do instead of uni? Even if she applies for a different less intensive course in the future, she will have to do something until then.

[ginorwine]

Thanks all
It's a big shock
I sadly feel really resentful
Which feels selfish
But it's how I feel
As does dh
Feel trapped that her decisions will impact on our life
Will read over what you say
It's hard as I loved uni as does my son and I wd feel guilty if we try to push her to stay but alternative may be worse
She has good cv tho as worked in 6 th form so she wd get a job locally but that's on part why am worried .
!!!
Just desp have time with dh
He is nearly 60 and we need some time .
Re b / f yes I've said that - they go to his one night a week but reluctantly as we live near town etc .

[ginorwine]

Thanks for understanding . I feel quite low about this so appreciate it .

[Marissa2727]

She could defer or talk to her uni about changing course to start next year. She could then focus on getting her health better and getting some more work experience which will boost her chances of getting a job when she graduates.
It is understandable that she is missing her boyfriend but she shouldn't make any decisions based around him. It would be great if they stay together long term but things happen and it would be a shame if she changed her uni options because of this.

[Marissa2727]

Also I don't want to be harsh but I think you are being a little bit mean in terms of liking the tidy house etc. If your dd has been ill you and your partner should really be supporting her to get things back on track this year. It's only another 9 months in the grand scheme of things!

[ginorwine]

I've asked her to defer
We have also been up and down motorway collecting her
When ill insist she rest do get laundry send food orders

[ginorwine]

And she facetimes mostly daily .etc

[ginorwine]

Of course I will put her needs first . It's just that it's at a cost to me in terms of I'm struggling as we so needed some time .

[thesandwich]

I really understand. Don’t ignore your needs. Perhaps have a discussion with her on an adult basis of how to meet all your needs?

[allthegoodusernameshavegone]

What is she doing at uni? She may progress better by simply getting into work, there is huge pressure that everyone needs to go to uni these days but in reality getting involved in a company in a field they want to be in will give them a better kick start. In my industry, which historically you would only require college level education, the uni graduates are left way behind the schoolleavers who progress through the ranks from leaving college or sixth form. Of course I’m not supposed to say that but it is true, they are certainly on a different level in so many ways.

[AJPTaylor]

I utterly understand.
I think you and dh need to decide what you can both do to make life ok if she does come back.
This, for me, would not include a boyf hanging around the house. Maybe say 1 night a week. Be clear about financially contributing to the household.
Most importantly, you both have to emotionally detach from the day to day minute by minute drama.

[ginorwine]

To be honest apart from time with dh I really really need time in house alone
To clean
Thinkabd just be .

[ginorwine]

Maybe it wd be ok to ask that she goes somewhere once a week
I've asked before and she said no
She will go to her room
It's not the same as o can hear her to
Her playing music etc ..

[Bluntness100]

You say she was ill op, what kind of illness did she have?

It must be hard for her, to have a mother who clearly doesn’t want her there, who sits in her room after dinner to avoid her own child and who has asked her child to leave at least once a week, clearly she knows you are rejecting her.

On thr other side she’s not enjoying uni either. I wonder if she’s back because she wants to feel accepted by her parents, to make it clear to you this is her home too. And I wonder what kind of illness she had and if this impacted on her course.

I can only put myself in her shoes and your clear rejection of your own child must cut her to thr bone.

[ginorwine]

Bluntness
We simply want time to ourselves
I went to uni as did my brother and left home then
She expects me to do a lot for her when not ill
Of course I look after her weather ill or not
It's just that we were really looking forward to time by ourself and yes that is selfish but after many years of parenting we wanted that and of course we feel for her but we really really need time as a couple and hoped for independent dc soon .
I do do things for her for eg tomorrow we are having a pamper day at home with hot choc
Face packs etc - I was saying I go to the bedroom as I am desperate for space but it does not mean I don't do things with her - she was due to come out with me tonight also .etc

[ginorwine]

Ok bluntness I do get you
I can't pretend to myself I like it
It's not something I do easily
I guess I will have to act as tho it's all fab - when in reality we really need some time to ourselves - we are not the only ones who can't wait for time by ourselves tho I know that . But you are right I need to put my own feelings and wishes aside .

[LIZS]

I think you can quite reasonably limit the bf visits, after all it is your home and he should not take advantage. Presumably you expected her home over the break so it is the anticipation of this extending indefinitely that is the concern. Is he same age or older, what level of education? It would not be sensible for her to put everything on hold just because she is missing him but if otherwise as unhappy as she sounds and burnt out give her a time limit to make a decision and develop a different plan if needs be. Assuming she is well enough.

Also I wonder if perhaps your natural concern and support has made her overly dependent on familiar home life and may have inadvertently undermined an already wavering resolve to stay at uni. Could you consider ways to make her more independent and resilient in the long term.

[ginorwine]

Liz yes I think that we have done a lot for her and maybe combined with the illness she is less resilient than she thinks .
She facetimes her b f twice a day and seems to be planning to marry him
. He is 4 years older and works .
He is lovely . His family are a traditional working class family who all live nearby and they seem to work after leaving school ( since you ask ) . They have a traveller related background . Yes home for Christmas for 6 weeks - but has been home many weekends due to feeling ill .

[ginorwine]

How can I help her to be more independent and resilient in long term ? I'd like advice .
Have taught her to wash cook manage money - talked to her about self care and emotional care . Any advice really really appreciated .
I do think being ill has made her understandably focus on home more . Plus coming home to see b friend . Her health seems to be improving at home due to rest . She ate ok at uni I sent Tesco orders when I realised she was not feeling great .