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How to help miserable daughter with awful uni housemates

(182 Posts)
TooCoolForScool Tue 24-Oct-17 18:02:34

My DD is 18 and started uni last month. She unfortunately didn’t make it into halls due to over subscription so we had a mad scramble finding her a house and four fellow student housemates

This we did by attending one of the uni’s find a housemate open day and it basically works by just wandering around and getting yourself into a group of 4/5/6 and then finding a house to rent as loads of you will no doubt know

She got together with four others, two boys and two girls and they all seemed to bond at first and get on well. All very friendly and chummy and lots of time chatting on the phone and she thought they were all best buddies etc etc despite me warning caution. They moved into the house and of course predictably problems have started

None of them have been away from home before and they’re being quite unpleasant to my DD. The girls are leaving her out of plans, openly bitching about her etc etc. I have her on the phone to me in tears at least three times a week. The biggest issue though is that two of them stay up until 3am every single night. Up and down the stairs, in and out of each other’s rooms and playing loud music. So my DD is existing on 4 hours sleep a night, this is literally every night. She’s asked them nicely not to but they don’t care.

I’ve spoken to her about resilience. I’ve talked at length with her about ignoring/ ear plugs/ being pleasant but keeping a distance/ not getting involved .. you name it, we’ve discussed it. I’ve sympathised and we’ve discussed alternative accommodation for next year but this doesn’t solve the issue now. She cannot come out of this tenancy really as A very expensive to do so and B students all sorted in houses now anyway so it’s. case of sticking it out but she’s getting more me more miserable

She’s enjoying her course so that’s something and she’s making friends on her course which I’m greatly encouraging her to do so and to keep them separate from her housemates which she’s trying to do.

So any advice for me? I know she’s technically an adult and I’m not some over bearing mother who wants to stem in and solve this myself. But it’s quite hard to stand by and I keep thinking there must be something I can suggest.

Its bloody miserable to be kept up until the early hours every single night as we all know and to be left out of parties and plans unless it suits them to invite her ...

Plus it drives me mad to have to listen to it all constantly 

TooCoolForScool Tue 24-Oct-17 18:03:24

I’ll also add that they’re all doing different courses so that is a small mercy I suppose. It’s just really taking the shine off something she looked forward to so much

Youcanttaketheskyfromme Tue 24-Oct-17 18:08:01

I had housemates like that - minus the bitching.

Used to take loads of coke and wake me up at all hours when I had an intensive degree an a job.

I don't think I ever did resolve it besides taking tranquillisers to sleep and sleeping at friends houses. It was shit.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme Tue 24-Oct-17 18:08:36

Sorry your DD is in this situation.

There's not much to be done except find friends outside of the house and spend time with them.

CurbsideProphet Tue 24-Oct-17 18:09:48

Oh how miserable for all involved! If it makes you feel better I had awful time in student accommodation for my first year (noise, filthy kitchen, being left out). The important thing is that it didn't last forever. It's great that she is enjoying her course and has made friends. Ah first year can be so fraught!

Soulcakequack Tue 24-Oct-17 18:10:15

Honestly if at all possible I’d help her move. See if any places come up in halls, by now some students will have dropped out.

I stuck out a first year with dreadful house mates. I could have move but felt I should stick it out. It wasn’t worth it and really unsettled the whole social side of uni for me.

If moving isn’t an option encourage her to make lots effort to make friends on her course or through societies.

CurbsideProphet Tue 24-Oct-17 18:10:16

Can she talk to Student Services if she really wants to move?

UrsulaPandress Tue 24-Oct-17 18:10:33

Oh your poor dd. No advice as mine is in Y13 but this situation is a thing I dread. Can she talk to someone at the University?

TooCoolForScool Tue 24-Oct-17 18:14:17

Ah yes that as well... the mess. This has surprised me as she’s bloody messy by my standards but they literally are filthy. She shows me photos and videos and ugh. However that’s by the by I should think in a student house

TooCoolForScool Tue 24-Oct-17 18:20:11

She was in the library with one girl and all was absolutely fine. They decided to call the other girl up to see if she fancied coming down to the library. My DD had no coverage on her phone so this girl passed her mobile to her to text her. She’d obviously forgotten there was a whole conversation on there in which they were bitching about my dd calling her names

So she left the library in tears and this then sparked an evening of them shouting in her face in the kitchen until I intervened via phone and MADE her come upstairs and ignore them

wobblywonderwoman Tue 24-Oct-17 18:20:25

I would really try to move her. The first year of uni should be really great - not all of this (shit) stuff going on. It might really affect her health too.

TooCoolForScool Tue 24-Oct-17 18:21:01

Halls are full at the moment unfortunately with a waiting list. I honestly assumed she’d get halls as a first year. Never occurred to me she’d have to be a full blown tenant in a house

TooCoolForScool Tue 24-Oct-17 18:21:46

Wobbly , good point. She’s unwell at the moment with a hacking cough and generally feeling shit.

Pidlan Tue 24-Oct-17 18:23:49

Your daughter is being bullied. I'd really try to move her as this will affect her education and confidence for a long time if she has to put up with it for a year.
flowers to you OP- this must be very difficult for you.

Daisymay2 Tue 24-Oct-17 18:26:17

Where is she? I might be able to suggest a sharer swap? My son has the house mate from hell at the moment. Just one from a group of 6, and she is being very manipulative however the other occupamts are postgraduates or final years students.......
Seriously, it might be worth asking them if they have a mate who wants to move in with them and see if she wants to move into their accomodation, usually landlords don't care provided the rent is paid but you need to sort the paperwork as you do not want to be guarantor if she is not living there. Also make sure you get the deposit back when she moves. My son was suprised how many moved out of hall into rented houses in the first term and others moved in but obviously you need to sort out the original house .
If the uni or SUhas a housing section, they might be able to assist.

tobee Tue 24-Oct-17 18:28:24

I very much sympathise with you and your dd. DS has just started uni too. Can you encourage her to student support? Not just to see if she can move but advice and emotional support. That’s what they are there for and I’m sure this is a problem they will have come across numerous times.

bevelino Tue 24-Oct-17 18:31:11

OP if you can afford it can your dd move to private halls. Alternatively she could keep contacting the uni accommodation office as hopefully there will be spaces soon.

Needmoresleep Tue 24-Oct-17 18:32:24

Does the university have overseas students who are just there for a term. They leave at Christmas (the American boy in DDs flat will) freeing up places. If so, your DD should see student welfare and the accommodation office and ensure she is seen as a priority. It sounds awful.

martellandginger Tue 24-Oct-17 18:34:32

Speak to the uni and see if they will speak to the students in the house.

Next try to find another student to take her place and your daughter move out.

TooCoolForScool Tue 24-Oct-17 18:40:51

Daisy she’s at Brighton

TooCoolForScool Tue 24-Oct-17 18:42:40

We’ve spoken again and I’ve suggested we see how this is over the next month or so. She’s worried about leaving and it being worse. She’s happy this evening as she’s seeing the girls from her course for dinner so that’s nice.

I wasn’t aware of private halls so that’s something I’ll look into and I’ll certainly make use of student services. Or rather, encourage her to

Ttbb Tue 24-Oct-17 18:45:06

Why don't you see if she can ask her house mates whether one of their friends wants to take up her room? Maybe she could just do a straight swap with them?

TooCoolForScool Tue 24-Oct-17 18:45:13

I have no uni experience at all so at first I wasn’t sure what a uni student house should be like . I assume not people being noisy twats until 3 am most nights? They’re making smoothies at 1am in a loud blender, slamming the fire door to the kitchen at midnight, music, shouting up and down to each other.. mainly two of them

jennielou75 Tue 24-Oct-17 18:45:18

I had similar and my mum moved me out. We went to the accommodation part of student services and there were cards up with rooms. I moved in with an elderly lady with corgis! It saved me and meant I carried on with my course. It was a horrible time but moving out and on was the best for me. I had very similar experiences to the ones you have described. It got to a point where I had an exam the next day and my house shared were deliberately walking up and down outside my room till the early hours. I took too many paracetamol in an attempt to just sleep. I then screamed at my house share people and the one who had been my room mate the year before phoned my mum. She drove to me that night. Yes she is an adult but uni is tough if you don’t have much life experience.

2014newme Tue 24-Oct-17 18:46:15

Is she on the waiting list to move into halls? Spaces will be becoming available as people drop out

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