DD not settling in halls(47 Posts)
I hope someone can help with advice as having talked it over with DD she is unsure whether she should try to transfer halls or tough it out.
She did badly in her A levels last year and ended up taking a place through clearing at a quiet University that she had not visited. She hated her course but struggled on and passed the first year. She decided not go back and luckily managed to get a last minute place on a course this year at a Uni that she had loved on the open day last year. She had to start the first year again as it is a different course. She is in a northern City where there are I think a few Unis.
She was allocated a place in catered halls but is really struggling to make friends and feels that she is being left out and is getting quite disheartened. She has tried to make friends but it doesn’t seem to be working. Everyone else on her corridor seems to have gelled except for one guy who doesn’t leave his room and another guy who spends most of his time in his girlfriend’s hall.
Speaking to her today she said last night a few of them were knocking on everyone’s door to go out except hers. This has happened a few times and often she is in her room whilst the others all go out. At the start of uni there was a WhatsApp group and it would be on there when they were going for the evening meal or breakfast. This seems to have gone quiet however they all seem to know when they are meeting. She did message on their a few times and can see that her messages have been read but no one replies. There are two girls who have taken a dislike to her to the point of speaking to everyone else but ignoring her
The good thing is that she really does love the course and all the different modules. She has a lot more work to do which she is enjoying as at the previous Uni she found that there was very little study to do. However this makes the evenings even lonelier as she has nothing to do. She loves clubbing and gigs but doesn’t have anyone to go with and is losing heart. She doesn’t want me to do anything but is getting quite depressed and spending her time in her room every evening. She is saying that if she transfers halls she still might not make any friends.
How unlucky for your daughter - is it possible she could pluck up the courage to speak to a more sympathetic member of the flat - some of them might not realise what's happening.
If that doesn't work perhaps she can try going out with coursemates or it's sounds like she might be no worse moving flat.
I'm sure the flat dynamics will change but I don't see why she needs to suffer this treatment much longer.
They sound very immature and compared to your daughter
I am sure things will improve but she will have to take some positive steps.
Good luck x
I moved halls because I was unfortunate in that out of six girls on my corridor, four had known each other previously and were quite cliquey/bitchy towards me and the other girl left out.
Never looked back. Great people and what I really appreciated was that they were a mixed bunch, not all first years. It's well worth moving if you're not happy. Ours was allocated via the accommodation office and they just said no problem, this one's free, will that do. Within a couple of days I was moving.
I moved halls at Xmas in my first year. I didn’t gel with the people on my corridor and found a much better suited bunch of people in my new hall.
Tell her to move halls. It's not unusual to do so. It's a cliche but the people you meet in your first term are rarely the ones you end up sticking with throughout your degree. New year, new halls, new start :-)
Well moving won't make things any worse so it's worth a go.
In the meantime join every club and society going!
I am leaning more towards moving halls and will speak to her. They have to fill out a form and go on a waiting list to see if there is a match. Maybe self -catered would be better so she is not eating meals alone and feeling like billy no mates.
This happened to my DD. She stuck it out (I wish she hadn't ) and made friends through clubs & societies. She is now in a house share with some lovely girls and is thriving in second year. She'll be fine.... eventually. ...
A good tip I saw on here is when she is in her room, wedge her door open. Then she can see what's going on and ask to join in, say hi to people as they go past, maybe make friends easier?
It’s quite easy to move halls my DD is - she liked her flatmates but feels closer to some of them on her course so she’s moving much nearer them
She should definitely move if she can! There's no reason why she wouldn't make friends in a different flat.
I think she should try and move, it won't be worse than where she is now.
Although my ds is on a swap list and nothing yet.
Can she make friends with people on her course and hang around with them.
Is there a student dean or sub-dean or Senior Student resident or something like that?
Does she have other interests: a sport, a musical instrument, dance, debating, musical theatre, chess, film - anything - if she joins the club/society (run through the Student Union) she'll pretty soon have a very active social life. I rarely socialised with the people I lived with - it was the student society of my main hobby that I spent time with, & went out with.
My oldest DD suffered this in her first year. She spent less and less time in her flat and more and more time with course mates. It was an unpleasant time for her but I think she matured a lot from it.
If it isnt possible to change accommodation then as PP have said encourage her to look outside of the flat for her company. If her course is more intensive than many then it is likely that this company will come from within her course.
If she's wanting to go out clubbing how about putting on WhatsApp who's up for whichever club that night?
I think she will need to make friends elsewhere. My dds flatmates are all very quiet and she socialises with the flat downstairs and people from her course and some college friends.
No harm.in asking to move balks though it can't be any worse!
Catered halls never appealed to me (not just because I’m v fussy). I visited a friend in catered halls when I was on my gap year and felt it was like school dinners. Definitely try to help her move to a different hall which is self catered. Some of the halls are like little flats which might be better? Also sharing a kitchen is a good way to get to know people as you can chat while you’re cooking, offer to share a meal or coffee or whatever.
Some students will drop out soon so movement will happen. Tell her to contact student support services and see if they can help get her to the top of the accommodation move list.
University's want to keep students so if she explains that it is making her so unhappy that she is considering leaving they may take her request more seriously.
Clubs and societies.
The people in my halls were nice enough, but not my kind of people.
I had headed to uni knowing which clubs I wanted to join. For me it was Christianity, rock climbing and rugby. The rock climbing was dropped through cost, but the others were my friends and social groups for the next 3 years.
I was at a small uni, so just being a part of these meant I met all sorts of people in the students union, chaplaincy, and sports teams.
Whatever she feels she could try to be into...sports, drama, music, politics, etc she needs to join their groups. (The drinking and clubbing will be part of it!)
Definitely move to self catered, the kitchen becomes a hub and everyone is forced to socialise. My now DH moved onto my corridor 14 years ago and went from a very similar situation to being to most popular person there (far more popular than me!!!!)
Moving halls sounds like a sensible option but also joining others clubs and societies and making friends on her course. When i was at uni i would also go out to parties and clubbing etc with my friends from my course and those are the people I've actually remained friends with, many years later.
In my experience, loving the course is the most important thing so she should do what she can to make life bearable enough to get through the difficult first semester (or longer in my case). My first year accomodation was similar - lots of immature people that I didn't really have the confidence to ignore.
I think she ought to go down the clubs/societies route first, or volunteering at the students union in some way before she moves halls. She also needs to remember that lots of people who look as though they are having a ball are just as shy and anxious as she is, especially the new students, she has the advantage of being in her second year of university and living away from home.
I've known a couple of people change halls, all seemed to be happier after the move.
Moving could be good. Hopefully the people at her new halls will be curious to see who the new girl is and if she keeps her door open for a few evenings and is approachable then she could easily make new friends.
I was very introverted when I first when to uni and sort of missed the boat with making friends because I stayed in my room and shut myself away. I moved uni’s in my second year for a fresh start and my mother made me put a sign on my door with my name saying ‘come and say hi!’ and told me to keep my door open. It was so cringe but I did it (drank a couple of glasses of vino) and sure enough people swung by and soon my room was full! I ended up living with most of the girls I met that first day in my third year.
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