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EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD - PART 3

(1000 Posts)
mrsrhodgilbert Thu 28-Nov-13 15:33:55

The comment about where they now live and consider to be home is interesting. If dd doesn't go back to until the end of January she will only have just over two months until the Easter holidays. She will actually come home on my 50th birthday and we are all going away for a few days. After Easter she then has about another 4 or 5 weeks left, possibly with a few exams after that.

That sounds like no time at all and then she will be back for the summer, hopefully with a job again. If some dc consider they have left home, do they not come back for the holidays?

I'm hearing from her much less and she seems quite busy with work. I'm not sure she feels she has many friends yet and it seems quite fluid still, but she is definitely calmer. She has a few pre Christmas things lined up, ice skating, panto, club parties, lunch out etc so I hope some friendships will be cemented. Still no plans for a house for year two but ive tried to tell her not to panic about that. Some people who were sorted a few weeks ago might not be any more.

minsmum Thu 28-Nov-13 17:56:55

if its any consolation my DD hasn't even started thinking about next year yet. When I asked she acted like I was a lunatic for even thinking about it.
I haven't had any contact since she went back till today when she got her first essay back, she was so excited as she did quite well in a subject she hasn't studied since before gcse's. She isn't expecting to do as well with the next one as she missed the first 6 weeks changing courses.
Maybe she wasn't just ignoring us but working, I didn't expect that to be honest

DalmationDots Fri 29-Nov-13 15:30:28

mrsrhod great to hear, sounds nice and calm smile and lovely she has lots planned for the end of the xmas term- I remember DD coming home on a big high for xmas as she finally felt settled and just in the last two weeks or so through all the lovely xmas events at uni, she finally felt like she had got friends and she actually was a little sad the first term was over (I think the Christmas spirit makes everyone feel all homely and appreciative of those around them!).
I find it strange, DD has around 9 weeks left where she will be at home (holidays) ever.. well before she will move to London to start her grad job next summer, I think that is when she will have 'left home' and 'moved out' for good as currently it is 50% uni 50% home for holidays. Terrifying thought though!!
But I think she is getting to the point she will be ready for it. Of course she will still visit a lot, just not for long periods like she does now with the holidays. Also she will be much nearer to home, only about 30 mins from London here, so I think it will all feel very different.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie Fri 29-Nov-13 18:12:12

I'm really surprised to hear that some of them are already thinking about where to live next year - seems v early indeed.

DD1 still having a ball. She came home last weekend for the first time, and the house feels v quiet again now.

madeofkent Fri 29-Nov-13 19:16:51

Back to goinggetstough - yes, I know, we are/were an RAF family but DS has been in CCF since he was 13 and I know how shattered he is after a weekend away in the snow. I know he's a big boy now, but I have been able to collect him, put him in a hot bath and give him a hot meal for five years, this time I can't and I know that he will have a half hour walk back to a small shower and a packet of soup. It's just the mummy in me coming out!
Yes, the home thing is odd. DS is talking about getting a job in Cambridge next year, as long as he can find one that allows him enough time to stay in the OTC. I did say 'and time to do some assignments' but he seemed to ignore that bit! So I do think he is intending to stay in the nice lively city rather than come back and veg out in the country. My daughter seemed to just melt away from home gradually, maybe he will be the same. I only really knew that she had left home when she suggested that her brother should have the larger bedroom.

MABS Sat 30-Nov-13 15:01:32

found you all again smile

DD flying back for xmas this Thurs I have discovered and then has no lectures/exams until 20 Jan so will only go back just before that she says!

It seemed early to me for next year accom, but the apt block she wanted right in the centre was extremely popular, she and her 3 mates got last 4 bed apt up for rent in it, the other 12 went in late October apparently sad

Milliways Sat 30-Nov-13 20:00:14

Hello again
My DS has been busy househunting and has seen what he thinks is the worst flat in the country (agent apologised and removed landlord from books) and now found one they really like. Think they were viewing another this weekend too.
This year he is in a flat of 8, and whlst they are all great friends now he has decided to share next year with 3 others that are on his course. He hopes to have it all finalised before the holidays, but does want all bills included to help the budgeting.
Can't wait to have him home - but he us having SUCH a blast at Uni I don't think he wants to leave! I was so worried as he had only just turned 18 when he went, but he now has 2 jobs and a good social life - and managing to keep up with all his uni work which he admits is getting a lot harder very fast.
When do yours come home?

madeofkent Sat 30-Nov-13 23:15:39

Mine says the 20th, he has social things he wants to go to until then. I'm rather hoping that so many of his friends will choose to go home the week before that he will be bored and come home a little earlier, as we have so many things to do, but he's still finding it all so new and exciting. I was thinking today, he's been gone for two months now and it feels longer. I am getting used to it though, when he went back last weekend I was fine, a little sad for about 5 minutes but that was it. I get the odd catch as I expect to see him walking from his den and I have gone to wake him up a couple of times, and to call him for meals, but I'm not missing school runs and massive piles of washing and food in the fridge, which is now virtually empty.

mumeeee Mon 02-Dec-13 11:39:11

DD3 is coming home this Friday, Her Grandfather ( my Father) passed away last week. The funeral is on Tuesday the 10th December and she will go back up on Wednesday. Because although her last lectures are on Thursday 12th she has her last test on that day and wants to do it, She also has an assignment due in the beginning of the following week so I think she will probably stay until the 19th, She was very upset about her Granddad but has managed to do a couple of tests last week and did quite well, She spoke to a student advisor and all her tutors know.

mrsrhodgilbert Mon 02-Dec-13 14:14:29

So sorry to hear about your father mumeee and I always feel extra sorry when it it as this time of year. Your daughter sounds like she has been coping so well this term. At least she will be able to get back to you all quite quickly again at the end of next week and she won't have to cope with her feelings alone for too long. Take care.

MABS Mon 02-Dec-13 16:55:03

I am so very sorry to hear that, do take care

JGBMum Mon 02-Dec-13 20:16:00

So sorry to hear your sad news Mumeeee,

mumeeee Mon 02-Dec-13 21:07:50

Thankd all. DD3 is doing okay although she had a very wobbly moment last week. Phoned DH in tears at 11pm one night we managed to reassure her and said she could come home if she wanted to. She spoke to her sisters that night. I phoned uni and the person I spoke to was very helpful emailed her tutors and suggested she spoke to student advisor, DD3 was a lot better after that and decided to try and stay until Friday. I"m back to texting her everyday and phoning every couple of days.

mumeeee Mon 02-Dec-13 21:11:31

I forgot to say she's trying to keep busy and is making an effort to go out with her friends, I'm off work. at the moment. Mrsrhod your DD seems to be doing well and beginning to settle down I hope that continues.

madeofkent Mon 02-Dec-13 23:30:00

So sorry, mumeeee. Your daughter must have felt very torn, wanting to comfort you I suspect.

Have been lurking on fb tonight and quite a few of Ds's uni friends are really looking forward to going home for a few creature comforts. They are living in two worlds, aren't they. I'm now worried that DS will find his bedroom childish. I can't help thinking that I ought perhaps to take the initiative and at least pack away his old coursework stuff!

mrsrhodgilbert Tue 03-Dec-13 18:41:25

I visited dd today and we had a lovely time Christmas shopping for her dad and sister. After I dropped her back at halls she met one of the flatmates she likes who completely shocked her by saying she doesn't think she will be back after Christmas, it's not for her. The other nice one texted to say she was viewing houses with others this evening and her course friend has had an unconditional offer for next year from a different university. I feel so bad for her, three lots of bad news within an hour. Last week she was feeling so much better and now this, yet again.

mumeeee Tue 03-Dec-13 21:49:19

Mrsrhod your DD does seem to be having a lot of ups and downs. The flatmate whose viewing houses with others will still be around for the rest of the year. Would it be at all possible for your DD to ask if she could join in and look for houses with them? Tell her not to worry I'm sure she"ll find others to join with.

mrsrhodgilbert Tue 03-Dec-13 23:09:00

She has tried really hard with that flatmate, who has promised her on numerous occasions that she will introduce dd to her other friends, but it has never happened. Dd has stopped suggesting it because she doesnt want to sound desperate. In yet another blow another course friend, who she as discussed houses with, told dd tonight that she is going to live with her own flatmates again next year. That's 4 possible avenues closed down in one evening. When I got that last text at 10 I just had to call her. I'm sure you can imagine how upset she was.

If her nice flatmate does leave I don't know how she will face the rest of the year. The other nice one is out all the time and the remaining two are actually quite threatening, she feels very unsettled around them. What a bloody awful evening.

MABS Wed 04-Dec-13 10:14:54

am so very sorry mrsrhod, sounds truly hideous for both you and her, really not sure what else to say sad x

mrsrhodgilbert Wed 04-Dec-13 11:17:32

Thanks MABS, it is hideous isn't it? I dont think I'm being overly dramatic. It's just an unbelievable situation. I'm a bit short of sleep today and goodness knows how dd is feeling.

Notsoskinnyminny Wed 04-Dec-13 17:46:13

mrsrhod I really feel for you and your daughter. I've no advice as DD is in the same boat although she's happy to try her hand at halls again next year (she's in private accommodation so could stay in the same complex).

Her meeting with the course leader was productive, he can't do anything about the pace of the lessons but he will set her extra work, which he'll mark and give feedback - one of her many complaints about her lecturer is she hasn't told them how they've done in weekly tests, and he's going to pair her up with some of the foreign students so she can work on her language. She's coming home at the weekend as we've got the dog's christmas meet-up fgrin and she's found out that one of the owners is a translator so she's going to try and get his details.

mumeeee sorry to hear about your dad x

noddyholder Wed 04-Dec-13 17:49:01

I am so sorry MrsRhod I think this is one of the hardest times to see your dc upset because everyone assumes it is going to be the time of their life. I met several students at ds uni recently and have realised it is most certainly not all roses. Does she like the course or would she consider a complete change?

mumeeee Wed 04-Dec-13 18:15:17

Mrsrhod it does seem that your DD is having a very hard time. I don't know what to say as all 3 of my DDs have been fine at uni apart from a bit or homesickness. Would you DD consider changing courses or giving up for this year and reapplying for next year? Thankyou notsoskinny.

mrsrhodgilbert Wed 04-Dec-13 19:39:05

Thanks all, yet again. She seems more settled on her course recently and has just done very well in her first essay. She got very nice comments and emails from her lecturers and tutor afterwards, which her friends didn't get.

She has already had a year out, has considered moving elsewhere for year 2 but starting again in year one would be very expensive and it might not be better elsewhere. Plus it's getting a bit late to reapply now. I've no idea how transfers work. I am at the point where I don't know what to suggest. Perhaps the two leaving will have a rethink over Christmas, that's about as much as I can hope at the moment.

DalmationDots Wed 04-Dec-13 19:41:12

Mrsrhod I really am so sorry, and I'm sorry to fill you with false hope from stories of my DDs experience. What absolute rotten luck your DD has had.
How very tough for her, as others have said, is she feeling it is time to give up or determined to stick it out with an 'at worst it is only two and a half more years' attitude?
I wouldn't blame her for giving up, in many ways she so deserves a better uni experience. There are things she could do if she did re-apply like find a uni with catered halls.
How rubbish, I hope you can make some sort of action plan before Christmas so it doesn't ruin the festive period.

DalmationDots Wed 04-Dec-13 19:42:57

Sorry cross-posted there

mrsrhodgilbert Wed 04-Dec-13 21:09:08

Hello Dalmation, thanks for replying. Don't worry, your posts really helped and up until last night things were looking positive. I just struggle to believe that four routes to housemates closed down in about two hours.

She isn't talking about leaving, but then I've only had a quick text from her today. Ucas applications have to be in by January and she would be starting from scratch with her ps and references etc. It would probably be better to try to transfer, but going into the second year elsewhere is no guarantee of happiness either. Everyone would have their friends.

She is probably thinking its only another 2 1/2 years and better to just get on with it, as I've said before she could commute at a push. It's absolutely not what we all want though. I think people are panicking to have things sorted by Christmas and having heard what the girls who are leaving have planned, I think they're crazy, but its not my business.

Interesting that you all think leaving is the sensible option, is that would you would be recommending if she were yours?

2rebecca Wed 04-Dec-13 22:14:56

Why would she consider leaving her course just because she hasn't found anyone to share a flat with next year?
My step daughter is in this position at uni but is just thinking that if the worse case scenario happens she'll share with people she doesn't know or get a bedsit. It's a housing problem, not a problem with the course. If she hated her course i could understand but if it was a job she wouldn't look at chucking in her job because she couldn't find a flatmate. Some of the people planning to share may fall out with each other before next autumn, and she may meet a different group of friends in one of the clubs she's in or a vacancy for one person come up or loads of scenarios.
I'd be throwing myself into the course and clubs and societies and waiting and seeing re flats. I wouldn't have thought there were many flats up for rent from next autumn yet anyway and she may find a threesome find a flat for 4 or something.

Notsoskinnyminny Thu 05-Dec-13 08:19:33

I suggested to DD that she should leave when she phoned for one of her rants, which usually includes "..I'm paying £9k to be miserable ..." but she recognises she needs the qualification to do what she ultimately wants.

Thankfully she enjoys her own company and although she had friends at school and 6th form she says she was always on the outside of the groups and would often be excluded from things. She's grown up a lot in the last 3 months and if she says she can cope then I've got to let her do it her way and just be there for the occasional meltdowns and rants.

Who'd be a mum?!!

noddyholder Thu 05-Dec-13 08:54:32

If I am honest if it was my son and it had gone on this long I would probably support him leaving and having a chance to go elsewhere or at least to start yr 2 somewhere else. Life is too short for this sort of thing imho.

2rebecca Thu 05-Dec-13 10:05:40

Surely it depends on how much she wants to do the course? If she was a medical student would you say "oh you're not getting on with your flat mates, how sad, chuck it in? "
Are the alternatives going to be any better? if she's already had a gap year and chose this uni because it's near home and she's not very confident and the course is important to her then the flat mates seem unimportant in the long view. It sounds as though she's prone to focus on the negative stuff eg no-one to share with in 9 months time rather than the positives eg doing well in the course has made some friends even if she can't flat share with them, has a local job has joined some clubs.
If she only chose the course because she couldn't think what else to do and fancies working for a few years whilst she gets some confidence and decides what she really wants to do (as my stepson who dropped out did) then I'd suggest she considered stopping.

noddyholder Thu 05-Dec-13 10:15:39

I think the flat mates thing is very important as its about her everyday life now.

mumeeee Thu 05-Dec-13 11:22:53

Noddy I also think flatmates are very important they are part of uni life. I think that is partly why DD3 is doing well on her course as she has a good bunch of flatmates who get on well with each other most of the time. That means she is able to concentrate with out worrying about her flatmates.

mrsrhodgilbert Thu 05-Dec-13 12:11:09

Actually it's me who is focusing on the negatives, not dd., she sent me a text yesterday to say not to worry and she was in the library working. She will think about it another time, but for now there is work to do.

mumeeee Thu 05-Dec-13 13:48:06

Mrsrhod she sounds like she is coping. It's good she's getting on with her work. Don't worry about her having no one to share with next year there is still plenty of time to find a group to share with. The groups looking now might change before they finally settle on a house. DD3 and her friends haven't started looking properly yet although she has spoken about going back into halls with a couple of them.

DalmationDots Thu 05-Dec-13 14:14:49

It is hard to say what I'd recommend if it was my own DD. It would highly depend on what course it was (was it a really struggle to get on the course and a very good, sought after course which will open up all the right doors long term), how unhappy I knew my DD was or wasn't, what the chances of her settling are (e.g. are there other paths she may find herself on next term in terms of friendships/housing or has she exhausted all routes, this really depends on the type of uni. What atompshere do you get when you are there?) I know lots of DDs friends who at this stage didn't have a clue who to live with, but last minute options came up like a group looking for an extra person or adverts on the uni website, and those students are now very happy, settled, with friends and thriving.

In terms of the negativity comment up above- I do not blame your DD or you for being negative, I'm sure she knows there are some good things about uni, but all in all she has tried very hard and had knock after knock!! She seems to be very resilient the way she has stuck at it and if she isn't talking of dropping out then it sounds like she will be fine staying. She can just go with it until around March, see if a house pops up, otherwise live at home and just settle on having a different uni experience to what she hoped for but one where she has made the most of a bad situation.

I'd wait for her to bring up moving, maybe gently say 'I guess others are leaving now as UCAS shuts in January and so its move now or miss the chance to reapply' encase she hasn't thought of that aspect. At the end of the day, transferring to another uni for 2nd year will be very tricky to make friends. Starting again is risky -she could end up in a similar or worse situation and she then has to do a whole extra year. The whole process of starting again could be the best decision she makes, or it could be a very emotionally draining process...It is a big gamble!

The time has flown since DD starting, and they are only at uni around 50% of the year. Another 2.5 years is not long and things will change and get better as your DD feels more settled. Others looking for friends will pop up, she just needs to keep trying new things or chatting to others at lectures - but not in a way that exhausts and grinds her down with a feeling of desperation, just in a way that she does her own thing but knows she is making an effort.

DalmationDots Thu 05-Dec-13 14:16:17

to reiterate mumeee's point- so many don't have groups or a house yet. There is no rush, I think this is what is causing most angst for her (understandably) and there is so much time and so many options.

JGBMum Thu 05-Dec-13 18:06:19

Ds had a similar problem last year when he got let down by flat mates. I started a thread so have just bumped it for you.
Im using my phone, and can't link hmm
The website we found was really good & might help your dd mrsrhod

MABS Fri 06-Dec-13 13:14:50

good advice Dalmation smile dd flew back last night, fab to see her but she already irritating me!!! 2 litres fresh orange juice gone already! she and I are flying off to get some sun this eve for a few days, so she better get on with her washing now....

DalmationDots Fri 06-Dec-13 17:11:32

MABS is your DD finished for xmas? How lovely to go on a little holiday- very jealous!
DD was saying last night how completely exhausted and run down she is (and she still has two weeks to go). It is very hard at uni as there is no clear structure like when you are working, the lifestyle is in many ways just so strange and there is no break or escape from the bubble. The work seems to be overwhelmingly piling up as well. But she is 3rd year so it is to be expected!
I'm a teacher and definitely need a break too- knackered

mumeeee Fri 06-Dec-13 17:40:45

DD3 is a little stressed at the moment as she's got an assignment to hand in next Friday and she is finding it a bit hard on top of that she is coming home today as it's her Grandad's funeral on Tuesday, She is supposed to be seeing her tutor today and I ve suggested she asks for an extension. DH said he"ll install the software she needs to do this assignment on our computer so she can work on that. She was having trouble getting the internet cable out of her laptop so is relieved she doesn''t need to now. This assignment is for programming she has already handed in an assignment for a different subject. She says she gets distracted at uni because she hears her friends talking and goes to join them. She actually might work better at home as there aren't any distractions,

MABS Sat 07-Dec-13 09:15:13

Yep she has finished the term, now sleeping on sunbed next to me in Dubai smile

mumeeee Sat 07-Dec-13 14:25:05

Have a lovely Holiday with your DD MABS. DD3 finish's the 13th has an assignment to give in by 5pm that day. She is going to Manchester Christmas market with her uni friends on 14th.

madeofkent Sat 07-Dec-13 16:14:09

Next year is another year mrsrhod, your DD could end up with a flatload of lovely girls. Ds has always been told that as long as he is happy with his course, he should stay, because I held the view that even if he didn't make many friends, at least he would get all his assignments complete out of sheer boredom! We were never under any illuions, he has four older cousins and a big sister and NONE of them made any good friends in their first year. He hasn't found any close friends but he does have lots of people that he can say 'where's everyone going to tonight?' to if he wants to go out. He says he has ended up in some very interesting places as a result.
I asked what he wanted to do after xmas, and was a little dismayed to discover that although he doesn't need to be there until late February he has signed himself up for all sorts of activities until term starts again, I was rather looking forward to having him home for a month after he returns from skiing. He won't even be home for a full two weeks, and most of that will be spent either away, or here with his sister and her family, so no chances at all for a proper talk.

DalmationDots Sat 07-Dec-13 22:40:28

madeofkent your DS sounds wonderfully resilient and level-headed about it all. While I recognise for many it is very tricky to have that approach as they simply have been built up to go off to uni and have 'the time of their life', your DS certainly knows the way to look at things when they aren't all plain sailing.
My DD, probably like lots of girls sadly, just didn't have the self-confidence and was used to having a close group of home friends which she was very comfortable being around and reliant on. If I had another one going off I would be encouraging them to see uni how your DS does and not to rely too much on those around them. I think how you set up their expectations, and how others set it all up, makes a huge difference. DD was certainly told by many how amazing it was all going to be. And you are right, it isn't until towards the end of 1st year DD found true friends either. They get there.

As sad as it is you won't get much time with your DS, nothing shows more how settled and comfortable he must be feeling if he has booked himself in for things and wants to go back early- you should be proud of him! I'm sure you'll manage to catch a time to catch up properly. I remember last year I offered to pick DD up for xmas just to get the chance to talk to her properly on the 2.5 hour car journey home before the madness of relatives arrived for xmas.

madeofkent Sun 08-Dec-13 11:57:09

I'm completely astonished by his resilience, if the truth be told. He has always been musical and quiet and there has been someone attempting to bully him at every school he has been to. He has always managed to cope, although of course he has been hugely upset at the time, and sometimes I wonder if that is what has made him so determined to just get on with things. He never dwells on what has been done in the past, he just moves on, something that I wish I could learn.

I know what you mean about the car drives, the school runs were where we got all of our talking done, I do miss that hugely. I also keep telling myself that I have done a better job than I realised about making him independent, but I know that if I ever want to speak to him on the phone in future, I will be the one picking up the phone to do so, which makes me feel very sad. He has no idea of the passing of time. I hear OH's grumbles when his Mum calls to speak to him once or twice a week, and think miserably, that will be me one day.

MABS Sun 08-Dec-13 12:08:40

He sounds great madofkent, very composed and together. Dd drove or the last year and boarded a lot so school run finished while ago for me with her .

mrsrhodgilbert Mon 09-Dec-13 12:15:12

Dd has been home again for the weekend but was working all day Saturday and Sunday. She was rather fed up with the entire situation there and is becoming increasingly irritated by her current flatmates, two in particular, who are just slobs basically. It's the usual student kitchen stuff, when she got back at about 9.30 last night it was disgusting and by ths morning it was worse. She is the only one who cleans it and because these two are, frankly, a bit scary she just does it once a week or so. She is concerned about how it will be left at Christmas and what she might come back to.

However, she has finally agreed to go to the accommodation office to ask about moving. One of her flatmates is possibly not returning after the holidays, one is spending all her time elsewhere which leaves the slobby, scary two. I just don't think it will do her any good to stay there, it's so depressing.

She is also going to apply through Ucas to go elsewhere for year two. She has apparently already spoken to her tutor about his. If she can get those two things going this side of Christmas she will hopefully come home on Friday feeling slightly less helpless and have a fallback plan.

JGBmum, thank you for the accommodation info, I'll have a look through it. I know she is basically there to get a degree but I do think your living conditions are important and having friendly people around is always going to make life better. Facing daily hostility or complete disinterest is hard, especially for a young adult away from home. She doesn't deserve this.

madeofkent Mon 09-Dec-13 15:04:19

Then she doesn't really like her course either? That is tough, then. At least DS loves his course. And tolerates his housemates.

mrsrhodgilbert Mon 09-Dec-13 15:48:50

Hi made, she does like the course. She didn't at first, but actually it was a couple of the lecturers that she didn't like really. They are not teaching her at the moment. The course would be the same elsewhere for year 2.

mumeeee Mon 09-Dec-13 16:36:07

Mrsrhod. that does sound sad for your DD. Is she sure she would be better doing year 2 somewhere else. She'll still have to find accomadation and friendships might already be firm. Do you think she'd be better starting again?

mrsrhodgilbert Mon 09-Dec-13 17:25:28

Hi mumeee, my hope would be that by the end of year one she would have some proper friends and be happy where she is. I think looking to change flat is sensible. We just kept hoping the girls she lives with might become friendlier, two of them actually seem very nice but one has her best friend from school there and doesn't seem to want anyone else and the other has made course friends and is always with them. In the whole term they have not spent a single evening in each others rooms just chatting and getting to know each other. I have never heard anything like it. The other two are just awful.

You are absolutely right, it would be difficult to start elsewhere but I think she just needs to feel she has a bit of control at the moment and I'm not going to be negative right now. I don't think it's a good idea, I would love her to find a better flat to move into in a building where she has some friends.

Is it your dads funeral tomorrow? Best wishes to you all.

MABS Mon 09-Dec-13 18:48:29

You are right mrsrhod, you must take the lead from her, mummee- thinkin
of you at this sad time ;(

DalmationDots Mon 09-Dec-13 20:25:42

Sounds a great plan mrsrhod that will give her a bit of hope that either she can try a different flat or she can find a new uni.
So glad she has been brave and made a decision to do something about all this.
Fingers crossed something works out, she deserves a much better experience- as you say uni shouldn't just be about 'getting though' for the sake of the course.

Notsoskinnyminny Tue 10-Dec-13 07:29:17

mrsrhod it sounds like DD has turned a corner, things will start to improve for her as she shouldn't feel trapped in her current situation any more.

DD came home for the weekend and was a different girl to the one who came even last month so im hoping things have finally clicked into place for her after her meeting with the HoD.

mumeeee thinking of you and your family today.

goinggetstough Tue 10-Dec-13 10:25:43

Mumee thinking of you and your family today too!

mrsrhodgilbert Tue 10-Dec-13 10:42:07

Hi notso, I'm not sure about turning a corner. I think she is absolutely worn down. The girl next door has kept her awake the last two nights, on Monday she started a long, loud Skype conversation at 2am and last
night had friends round until 5am. I know it's the end of term and people will party and I also realise dd probably needs to loosen up a bit, but I actually am quite worried about her.

She has been in touch with the accommodation office and they want details of what she is looking for in terms of a move and why she wants to move. I hope she has some positive experiences this week or I fear we will be getting a very depressed girl home on Friday and that will set the tone for Christmas.

I'm pleased your daughter is settling, it makes such a difference to know they're reasonably happy as mine seemed a couple of weeks ago.

ISingSoprano Tue 10-Dec-13 18:16:02

I'm so sorry your dd is still having problems mrsrhod. I hope the accommodation office come up with something new for her for next term.

Ds is due home at the weekend and I am ridiculously excited! He has been home twice for 24 hours each time. Communication with him hasn't been terribly easy as the mobile signal in his flat is dreadful and we have had problems with our broadband at home meaning skype has been impossible too. It will be such a luxury to be able to talk properly grin

Notsoskinnyminny Tue 10-Dec-13 19:12:40

Sometimes I think our daugters are the same person! Mine still has problems with the girl in the next room, she has tests on Fridays and a full timetable from 9-8 with only 2 1 hour breaks on a Monday but thursday and Sunday are student nights so the girl comes home drunk at 3am often with a different man shock. They're on joint courses and both doing one element but in different classes and researched/worked together when they had an assignment the other week so things aren't as bad as they were, whether she'd share a house with her is another thing.

JellicleCat Tue 10-Dec-13 23:14:22

Mrsrhod I hope your dd manages to find a flat move she likes. Would she be able to visit any proposed flats beforehand and talk to prospective flatmates? You have certainly made me so relieved that dd has nice flatmates, who socialise and eat together on a Sunday.

mrsrhodgilbert Wed 11-Dec-13 12:18:14

I think she will have to visit prospective new flats before moving, she could find herself in a worse situation, she just wants to be somewhere like your daughter Jelliclecat. Nothing will happen until January though, so she will be worrying about it over Christmas, though I hope will feel better that she has taken action. I wonder it there will be a bit of movement coming.

She found out yesterday that the girl she most likes in her flat is definitely leaving, tomorrow. Also the girl she finds particularly intimidating is only going home for about six days over Christmas. She has recently had her boyfriend (not a student) staying over more and more, 3 and 4 nights a week and dd assumes they will be there together over the holiday. She was going to clean up the kitchen before she leaves on Friday but I've suggested not to as it will be filthy again within a few days, this is the particularly messy girl. But, it does make me wonder what state the flat will be in by the end of January.

Do you think anybody inspects the flats over the holidays when they are largely empty? Over reading week they were given notice that there would be an inspection and everyone had to leave their beds stripped. Some flats were fined for mess and breakages. I'm so so sorry to keep venting on here, I just want to know she is going to escape from there soon.

madeofkent Wed 11-Dec-13 15:53:42

From what Ds has been told, they usually have an inspection a couple of weeks after they all return. they are just told that the owners wish to check in case there is any maintenance that needs doing, I disillusioned them on that one and told them to deepclean the whole flat.Your daughter should have a few days of grace, but she could end up with people who are just as bad, it's all such a lottery isn't it? Unless you move into something that is a complete tip to start with, renting can be a very stressful experience and some teens have never been taught how to clean, and others simply don't notice dirt and mess. Notso and mrsrhod, I have on occasion had to go back and check whose daughter is which, they do sound as if they are having very similar experiences.

The huge bullying rugby player is the messy one in DS's flat - he gets his poor girlfriend down from Nottingham every other week and expects her to clean his room. DS said it was on his (open) FB page - and so it is. I really hope she doesn't stay with him.

DalmationDots Wed 11-Dec-13 17:00:36

mrsrhod that isgreat progress, and looking around will help your DD see if they are clean/seem more sociable etc.
The cleaning thing is a problem all students have, dd got really upset at the start of second year as she is a tidy person and no one would draw up a rota. She ended up doing a lot of the cleaning but also made a point to the others occasionally and told them to do some. It is so frustrating. DD opted for 3 other nice tidy girls for 3rd year and is much happier on the house-front. Even so, she is very ready to move away from student living (grotty houses and very noisy neighbours etc) when she graduates.

goinggetstough Thu 12-Dec-13 15:09:29

Just spoken to my DS about inspections. They had a kitchen inspection this morning and as it was clean and tidy they won/ had money put on their ID cards for one use of the washing machine and tumble dryer.
So there may be inspections now but I doubt there will be during the holidays unless the Warden informs them he/she is coming round.

mumeeee Thu 12-Dec-13 16:25:04

DD3 said they had an inspection last week of the kitchen and their individual rooms. So I think inspections are being done before the holiday,

mrsrhodgilbert Fri 13-Dec-13 17:07:09

Well dd is now home for the holidays. She and another flatmate did clean the kitchen yesterday but when I looked in this morning the girl who is staying had messed it up again by leaving dirty plates and pans etc all over the surfaces. We just walked away, good riddance to it for a few weeks. Hope everyone gets their dc home safely over the next week and has a lovely time.

JellicleCat Fri 13-Dec-13 17:34:56

DD is not coming home till next Saturday 21st although course work is finished, as it's more fun partying in the big city than being in the sticks at home. I am desperate for her to come home. Anyone else having to wait till next weekend? fsad

Notsoskinnyminny Fri 13-Dec-13 18:36:53

Just picked DD up from the station and she's home until the 6th. The whole flat cooked christmas dinner together last night although it was 10pm before it was ready to eat smile. She's in the garage filling DSD in on everything, I think he misses her more than I do - he's the dad she never had.

mumeeee Sat 14-Dec-13 09:53:57

DD3 finished yesterday and all assignments in. She is not coming home until late next Thursday, She is off to Manchester Christmas market and then having a meal with her Christian union friends today and to her church Carol concert tomorrow evening. Then she's doing things with her flatmates. Seems like a few of them are staying around.

MABS Sat 14-Dec-13 10:34:24

back from holiday now and I am sorry to admit this but I know you won't hate me! am over her being back already sad and her first lecture in Jan is not til 20th!!! x

Notsoskinnyminny Sat 14-Dec-13 14:12:28

MABS I know how you feel and mine only came home last night! Her case is still in the hall and I got a series of oks in a particular tone which always winds me up when I asked her to move it followed by a rant about the window cleaner coming at 11am and waking her up, the case still hasn't moved angry

fussychica Sat 14-Dec-13 14:23:05

Sorry some are still struggling - hope the New Year brings changes for the better. Try not to think about the negatives and enjoy your time together.

DS not home until 21st. Having to drive to bloody Stansted to pick him up as no flights into Bristol from south west France at this time of yearfangry. He is soooo happy as his girlfriend is flying in for New Year and staying with us - never met her before so that will be an interesting experience!

JellicleCat Sat 14-Dec-13 15:25:35

Haha MABS and Notso maybe it's not so bad then that DD is not home! She went clubbing on Thursday, went to see the Hobbit last night and is off to a big Christmas do at the student union tonight. Sadly our village can't compete with any of those, so no wonder she has stayed put. fenvy

funnyperson Sun 15-Dec-13 03:13:31

I feel the same about not being able to compete with the social wonders of university life. sad. In our house DD tends to generate a quarrel which then becomes the perfect excuse not to come home. Perhaps because she finds it hard to say outright she isn't coming. It is almost easier not to expect her to come home then there isn't any heartache. I saw hardly anything of her in the summer due to global wanderings and visiting her friends around the country and I don't think I am going to see much of her this Christmas. I know it is just them growing up but I feel such a failure and also a bit lonely but heaven forbid one should be one of those mothers that admits to being lonely to their children, esp at the age when one is supposed to be living it up according to various research surveys. I've got to the stage when I no longer keep the fridge full because food has gone waste so often when they don't turn up and instead I put loads of stuff in the freezer.

madeofkent Sun 15-Dec-13 10:54:07

I do feel for you, ours isn't coming home until 19th or 20th, we are still not sure which. We did phone and ask if he would like to be collected yesterday, but he is far too busy. DH was doing the calling and I saw his face drop a bit. I think now that DH is on holiday, that is when it strikes him that there is no DS around. We will have to return him on 3rd Jan as he is going skiing, then he informs us that he will stay there as he has joined lots of clubs that start early in January to entertain those who have to do lots of exams. Which he does not. He just wants to be there, I suppose. sad We do live out in the sticks, I can't blame him really.

mumeeee Sun 15-Dec-13 11:17:12

Funnyperson you are not a failure you have just done your job as a good parent. You have equipped your DD so that she can be grown up and doesn't need to rub home to Mum. I know how you feel though DD1 and DD2 have completely left home now. Well DD1 has been married for 4 years and DD2 finished uni last year but decided to stay in Kingston. I was a bit surprised when DD3 didn't want to come home on Friday when uni finished but wanted to stay until next Thursday. It's good that she has made friends and wanted to do stuff with them this week though. All my DDs will be with us for Christmas this year and I'm very excited about that. smile

madeofkent Sun 15-Dec-13 21:53:17

Mumeee is right, it is an achievement to have made an independent confident adult, even if we do miss them.

DalmationDots Sun 15-Dec-13 23:39:10

I agree, whether the time has already come, came a few years ago or they are still wobbly- it is inevitable that they are growing up and gaining their own lives. They are making the most of the opportunities out there.
Sad for us, but wonderful for them.
You never truly loose them, there are times things go wrong and they come running back and other times they are out there thriving.
DD has some holidays she is desperate and so ready to come home for a break, others she is out there and seems to give no thought to home/us!
We are in some ways lucky to live in a vibrant town with lots to do and DC have stayed very much in touch with school friends so are often keen to come back to see them, if not to be home with me!!

MABS Mon 16-Dec-13 07:47:48

No failure at all... don't say that! how you doing now notso? mine still driving me mad and now ill, so I suppose I should be pleased she home for tlc....ish.

Chlorinella Mon 16-Dec-13 13:42:33

DS went away skiing on Friday ( when they broke up for Christmas )
We've had a text , so we know he's arrived .
He's hoping to travel home to us on Saturday 21st .
He's a bit worried about getting to Paddington on the tube with his luggage , and then it's 4 hours here . At least he can catch up on some sleep !

MABS Mon 16-Dec-13 16:00:11

dd has glandular fever sad

hoboken Mon 16-Dec-13 16:08:38

mrsrhod - so sorry to hear this.

DD had difficulties finding someone to share with this time last year. She is now sharing with a guy who is a close friend. They are like brother and sister and it works extremely well. They did not finalise their intention to share (DD had difficulties with the group she was originally supposed to share with) until after Easter.

Notsoskinnyminny Mon 16-Dec-13 18:21:33

MABS poor DD, at least she's home, you'd be worried sick if she was in halls.

The bag finally moved but she does have her uses - she's walked the dog, taken in a couple of parcels and she's helping out at the school Christmas treat tomorrow although I'm not looking forward to getting her out of the house at 7.40. The TVs stuck on trashy channels, pinky & perky music is on all the time and I've got no conditioner left, its like she's never been away!

mumblechum1 Mon 16-Dec-13 18:50:43

MABS hope your dd gets better soon. It will be nice to be there for her, mopping her brow etc.

We collected DS last night, it's lovely to see him but he is definitely "visiting us" rather than "home". He' s sooo happy in Liverpool and has made so many new friends it's great to see, as he was desperately unhappy in Sixth Form. DH and I go to Marrakech on 27th so DS will go back to Lpool then, I think.

12 days is a nice length of time; not so long that you start getting sick of each other ;-)

JellicleCat Mon 16-Dec-13 22:15:11

Hope your dd feels better soon MABS.

MABS Tue 17-Dec-13 12:36:30

thanks all, not sue there is much mopping going on! but she does seem pretty rough sad

mumeeee Tue 17-Dec-13 13:55:57

Hope your DD feels better soon MABS. Glandular fever takes a lot out of you. At least she is home and doesn't have uni to cope with at the moment.

madeofkent Tue 17-Dec-13 15:28:54

I hope she gets over it in time to go back, poor girl - and poor you.

Feeling a bit despondent, DS wants to come back a day later. The flat have decided that they need a deep-clean, and to have a night out together. Which is a good thing as far as his relationship with them is concerned, but leaves us not only a bit flat, but also very short of time to turn him and possessions around before we go away.

mumeeee Fri 20-Dec-13 18:23:57

Hi everyone are all your DCs home now? DD3 got home late last night DH picked her up from the station at 12.15. I was at Mums (she has Parkinson's) looking after her so didn't see DD3 until today. She has past 2 of her modules/subjects which is good just waiting for programming to have the final mark so doesn''t know about that yet. She does 3 different modules next term, She is not going back until 11th January and doesn't have any exams then as they were all done this term. So she can actually relax now.

goinggetstough Fri 20-Dec-13 18:37:10

I am slightly envious of your DD mumee as my DS has three exams in January. So he has already started revising. He could do with a good break but hey ho that's not to be. Congratulations to your DD for passing 2 modules and I hope she is successful with the third one.
I am never sure whether it is better to do exams before Christmas when you are tired etc or after Christmas so you have to revise during the holidays.

madeofkent Sat 21-Dec-13 02:09:43

Mine is still working, he has to come home tomorrow as we need to turn his clothes around and sort out computer stuff before we go away on Monday, but we shall be having to stop off on our way up so that he can hand in printed coursework, end of semester work that he had until mid January to do but he will be away ski-ing then. No exam, just a very long essay for each module that he is doing. He decided that he couldn't bear to have it hanging over his head and to just keep going, and he says that some of them are going to stay until Christmas out of the way. I had no idea that would happen. The musicians have finished way after everyone else because they had to give presentations of their compositions and a concert. I had hoped that we would be invited, apparently not. Maybe next term.

MABS Sat 21-Dec-13 10:22:32

well done to her mummee, mine doesn't have any Jan exams, just as well given how poorly she still is.

mumeeee Sat 21-Dec-13 12:49:42

Hope your DD feels better soon,glad she hasn't got any exams in January. DD3 had a couple of exams in the last week. She also had assignments to get in one was a big one for programming she had got very stressed. about this (she also had the added stress of her Grandads funeral) , But did get everything finished and in on time. I"m glad she can just relax for the next three weeks she actually looks so much calmer than she did the last time I saw her.

JellicleCat Sat 21-Dec-13 13:39:25

DD is home tomorrow, I can't wait. I have been looking at photos of her and her friends on Facebook of them all dressed up for a big night out last night. Boys in suits and ties and girls in nice dresses. They scrubbed up well!fgrin

madeofkent Sat 21-Dec-13 14:15:58

DS is home, DBH picked him up early to avoid all the shopping and traffic congestion. He is outside now in his den putting all his computer stuff back together so that he can finish all his assignments before Christmas, I can't believe how much work he has, and he says that a few people have dropped out of the course already. He's certainly getting his money's worth though and next semester's course looks even tougher.

Getting back to mrsrhods post at the top of the page, he says that here doesn't feel so 'Home' to him now. sad But then he did say that quite a few kids who were boarders at his school thought of school as their home, I wonder if their parents knew. He is full of plans and exciting things to do next semester, scuba diving, advanced driving course, riding, tank driving... he has so many new friends there and has found a few old ones too from past schools, just by bumping into them at bars and clubs.

On the minus side, the flatmate he likes best has never received his student accommodation loan so is having to leave and find somehere cheaper, he will miss him hugely and he will be living on the other side of the city. He has had to get a job that is virtually full time to fund the rest of his course so cannot now go home for Christmas, DS says he is gutted. He has found someone to take over his room, I hope he is as sensible as him. I would love to know what went wrong, I suppose we shall never find out.

Also the steadiest girl flatmate disappeared a few weeks ago and has not returned, the rugby bully is going around like a bear with a sore head because his girlfriend did indeed dump him and the last cleaning day left just two of them doing the work of five as the other girl (oven cleaner extraordinaire) went home ill.

JellicleCat Sun 22-Dec-13 18:10:09

DD finally home, full of tales of the big union bash (8pm till 8am, but they only survived till 5.30), Christmas dinner in the flat for the 5 flatmates and 2 honorary flatmates and they even did a secret Santa in the flat. I think she was more than a little hungover after the all-nighter, but seems well and happy. I'm just really, really glad she is back.

I hope everyone enjoys Christmas with their returning nestlings.

fussychica Mon 23-Dec-13 11:55:01

DS finally home after an awful journey to Stansted airport - return not so bad. Just glad I'm not travelling today! Good luck to any that are.
Lovely having home but am sick of the Xbox already!

MABS Mon 23-Dec-13 13:28:36

Happy Christmas to you all x

mrsrhodgilbert Mon 23-Dec-13 17:45:00

Merry Christmas everyone, hope your students are all safely gathered in now.

Dd is very much on an emotional roller coaster even now she's been home for over a week. I'm really struggling to help but I want to thank all of you who have affected advice and understanding since September. I have no idea what the New Year will bring.

mrsrhodgilbert Mon 23-Dec-13 17:45:32

Offered advice, sorry.

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