When our first foster child arrived, I immediately questioned whether we’d done the right thing. Our sons had grown up and left home, and now we were faced with an 11-year-old boy in our lives. It was nerve-wracking.
Sean had a lot of unresolved issues when he arrived. He had had a difficult start in life, coming from a family with a history of domestic violence. He had no emotional commitment to us to start with; it would be disingenuous to pretend he was part of the family from day one. Adjusting was a process that took time, for him and for us.
We had to take small steps to help him gain a more positive outlook of things, especially women. I became captain of the ship and my husband the first officer. This meant Sean had to come to me for decision-making. Having grown up in a home where women were regularly put down and abused, he began to realise that women are equal and capable. We had to help him unlearn a lot of the negativity he had grown up with - gradually, we saw him blossom. At school, we advocated for Sean. Of course, there were many ups and downs, and frequent phone calls from the school complaining about his behaviour. But we happily took on the role of ‘pushy parents’ when it came to his education, encouraging him to understand what was acceptable and making sure his teachers understood his triggers.
Five years after he first arrived at our house, Sean received his GCSE results. He asked me to go with him to collect them, which felt like a compliment in itself. The head of year was there giving out the envelopes. As he gave Sean his results, he patted me on the back - “You’ve earned these results, too,” he said. “Without you, Sean would never have got these GCSEs.” This meant so much. This is what fostering is to me - enabling these youngsters to reach their full potential and to be able to go out into the world with achievements that can never be taken away from them.
My husband and I had always thought about fostering, but wanted to wait until our sons were independent. One day, an article in a local newspaper caught my attention - there was no time like the present, we decided. I enjoyed my job as a travel agent, but it was starting to feel robotic; I craved a challenge. Our family was behind the idea, so we contacted several agencies, and had visits from them all. We settled on one, and went through a rigorous assessment and training programme. Four months later, we became approved as foster carers.
In addition to children like Sean, we have also taken mother and baby placements. This work varies enormously. Some mums are capable of looking after themselves and just need guidance and reassurance in parenting; others are still children themselves. The main objective is to help the mother set routines and boundaries that are consistent with good parenting.
While some mothers come away confident in caring for their baby, the placements are not always successful. One mother, for example, announced without warning that she was leaving. I pleaded with her, and managed to persuade her to sleep on her decision. In the morning, she paused only to take a parting picture with us, and then left, with barely a backward glance at her three-month-old son.
He stayed with us until he was 17 months old and we supported him through his adoption process. It was incredibly difficult - but it was also an amazing experience. When the day finally came for him to move, he seemed to know. He cried hard, refusing to put his coat on. We took him to the adoptive family and they showed me his specially decorated bedroom. It was beautiful, just right for him. I got quite emotional, and the adopter tried to console me, saying that it must be hard to say goodbye to him after all this time. "No, that’s not it," I said. "This is all I ever dreamed for him."
Toddler, teenager, or mother - it’s incredibly fulfilling to watch someone you’ve worked with and cared for move on to the next stage of their life. Fostering has given me and my husband so much - without a doubt, it’s been the best thing we’ve ever done.
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Guest post: "Fostering is hard - but it's the best thing I've ever done"
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MumsnetGuestPosts · 21/09/2016 16:56
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