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Guest post: "I'm frightened for Helen - I know how helpless you can feel in court"

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MumsnetGuestPosts · 05/09/2016 10:30

As I listen to Helen, I'm reminded of my own ordeal in the courts. I went through the criminal courts and the family courts at the same time – and the experiences were very different.

When the date was set for my ex-boyfriend's trial, I was confident that with my horrific injuries, the terrible crime scene and my evidence, we'd get a good result.

I asked for special measures in the criminal court so I did not have to face my ex-boyfriend Smith. Special measures mean you can arrive through a separate entrance, wait in a separate area, and give evidence from behind a screen – there is no interaction with your abuser. I did not want to see his face. How could I look at him after what he had done?

I was ushered to a witness protection room where my friends and family were waiting. The staff were fantastic. I knew giving evidence in court would be harrowing. The emotion when I walked into the courtroom was intense. I was shaking, crying, angry as I spoke. But I did it - and I felt safe, and supported.

While Smith was on trial, I was also being dragged through the family courts by my ex-partner Mike*, in an attempt to gain full custody of my daughter. The attack was his initial reason for Mike filing for custody, despite the fact that Smith was remanded immediately. His statement was full of lies; he said I drank too much alcohol and painted me as a bad mother.

Mike served me with family court papers when I was still in hospital, broken, following the attack. I've never been more vulnerable; I had suffered a bleed on the brain after being beaten for eight hours. I was lucky to be alive.

I had to discharge myself from hospital to defend the application. In the past few years, I'd had issues with him not returning my daughter after contact. He constantly used her as a weapon – as many abusive men do. I had learnt to manage his behaviour; however, the attack from Smith gave him the green light to abuse me by separating us as a punishment. He even said, "I'm teaching you a lesson".

It was a nightmare. I arrived in the family court and it was very different to the criminal court. There were no protection measures of any kind. I felt like the judge took one look at me and made an assumption about my character, because I had a bruised face and untidy hair, having just come from hospital. Every time I tried to talk, she shut me down completely. Mike had a voice. I didn't.

It was the worst day of my life; worse than the attack. Mike was able to cross-examine me because we were both litigants in person. A man who had abused me, a man with a criminal record for violence, drug abuse - was able to question me and undermine me. I felt the judge's attitude towards me suggested that she did not understand coercive control. She handed custody of my little girl – who only knew life with me – to him.

Criminal courts do not talk to family courts, therefore they didn't know the outcome of Smith's trial, that he was in prison and would not be anywhere near my daughter. It also meant that Mike's criminal convictions or history of abuse were not factored into the custody decision.

"The mother can see her daughter overnight on a Tuesday, and Saturday in the day for 6 hours."

I stood up to try to object. The judge walked out.

My world fell apart. I was a victim of a terrible crime, and the man who committed it was behind bars – but I was being punished for being a victim. I was in shock.

I hired a solicitor and a barrister. We got evidence of Mike's convictions, and gathered the abusive texts he sent to me in hospital, saying "You've done it now - you'll never see her again". I was not entitled to legal aid; it cost over £14,000.

In the time he had full custody, he didn't allow me contact – a breach of the court order itself. Not the act of a loving father. He was now in control – what he'd wanted all along.

Family courts are transactional. I felt there was no emotion, no understanding, and that I was spoken to in a derogatory manner. Listening to The Archers, I am frightened for Helen if she has to go through the family courts. An abuser can orchestrate their victim's downfall there.

Thankfully, I got my daughter back; we are thriving. Others are not so lucky and Helen's situation sounds all too similar. For survivors of domestic abuse, the family court is the perpetrator's final blow.

The Women's Aid Child First campaign is calling on the government and the family courts to make the family court process safer for survivors of domestic abuse, and to ensure that the safety of children is always put at the heart of all decisions made by the family courts. Sign the Child First petition here.

*name has been changed.

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HumphreyCobblers · 05/09/2016 14:37

Thank god you got your daughter back. I cannot imagine what that was like to go though.