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Guest post: Domestic abuse - "I am a real-life Helen" (Warning: upsetting content)

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MumsnetGuestPosts · 04/04/2016 16:41

Domestic abuse isn't just physical violence; it is mental abuse. It is coercive control that creates an invisible prison for the abused. This is what we have been hearing on The Archers – the slow, insidious mental torture that Rob has been inflicting on Helen. I am a real life Helen.

As a Survivor Ambassador for Women's Aid, I met with Louiza, who plays Helen, to help her understand and convey Helen's experience of coercive control and domestic abuse. I am very proud of the impact it has had. It is vital that domestic abuse is portrayed clearly, in all its ugliness – and The Archers has not shied away from that. It does not matter if people are uncomfortable when they listen to it; they need to understand the painful reality of domestic abuse, and how coercive control can envelop a victim, crushing her spirit.

I suffered every kind of abuse imaginable at the hands of my ex, including horrific physical attacks. My eldest son saw his father take a blow torch to me. I had already been subjected to eight hours of torture: punched, glassed, and knifed. For the next four days I was left to lie in my blood - not allowed to wash or leave the bedroom. Raped when it suited him, even as I was swollen black and blue. I was drifting in and out of consciousness until a policeman appeared on a ladder banging on the window, calling my name.

The mental side of domestic abuse is another dark story. Many have their souls and minds broken – as has happened to Helen – even when the physical wounds have healed. My children gave me strength, and this riled my ex. In the periods when he left us alone throughout the years the house was filled with laughter. We were creative with art and music, expression and freedom.

But he came back, time and time again. We were forced into refuges; we had to change our names. I have buried two sons because of him. One was lost to a violent physical assault when I was pregnant. My eldest son, Daniel, committed suicide. After his father was released early from prison, Daniel screamed at the police, saying we "couldn't keep running to be killed in the end". The fear of his father coming back to find us was too much for Daniel to bear. That is a huge part of coercive control – the terror of what might happen. Coercive control, and the mental anguish, and the terror, took Daniel from me. The pressure of living in a climate of fear was too much for my son. The injustice of it is a spike in my heart.

My mission - my reason for surviving now - is to gather enough people together to stand up for change, to unite our voices. To campaign for strong sentences for perpetrators of domestic abuse. To make people understand that a relationship ending does not mean the abuse is over. To make people see the realities of domestic abuse – that it's not just physical violence. My physical wounds have healed but the mental scarring is permanent. This is undoubtedly what it will be like for Helen, too.

I speak out about my experience for Women's Aid in the hope of saving as many lives as I can. They helped us over the years with advice and support, and providing a safe haven. They were a vital lifeline - hanging by a thread because of huge funding cuts to domestic abuse services, and a lack of value placed on them.

I don't know where I would be now without Women's Aid. That is why I am raising funds for them so that they can continue their lifesaving work with women and children, and why I am asking everyone who has been moved by the storyline to please donate whatever you can to Women’s Aid through my fundraising page.

If I have helped just one woman to think “I am like Helen, and I need help,” when she listened to The Archers, then I am happy. I want all women living with an abusive partner out there to know – you are not alone. Women's Aid will help you. We believe you.

Mandy Thomas is a Survivor Ambassador for Women's Aid and author of You Can't Run, a memoir detailing her experience of domestic abuse.

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TheDailyWail · 04/04/2016 17:41

Oh my. He was a monster. I'm so sorry for the loss of your two children.