I was 23 years old when I discovered that my parents had agreed for me to be married to a man I'd never met. I was, effectively, engaged. I'd just finished my degree and started work and suddenly my future looked very different to how I'd imagined it.
That was 12 years ago, and I have never stopped believing that forced marriages are immoral and unnecessary. They can have an incredibly damaging effect on men, women, and their relationships with their parents. They still happen in a number of communities and often result in unhappiness. From my own experience, I know that even if a forced marriage does work, the damage can be internal - in the heart, mind and soul of the person who is forced to marry.
My husband-to-be and his family believed I was aware of the agreement my parents had made for me, approximately five years before our intended marriage. As the marriage approached, I went through a very dark time. If I refused the wishes of my parents, I would bring shame upon them and our family. I'd been brought up to respect my parents and had already seen them go through so much with their other children. It would have been too difficult to go against them. I didn't want to hurt them - despite knowing they had no qualms about hurting me.
Forced marriage doesn't necessarily involve physical coercion. I experienced emotional abuse in the period preceding my marriage. I was subjected to silent treatment, screaming, shouting, swearing, and the 'let's be nice' approach. There was also emotional blackmail and tears, with my parents asking me to consider what it would do to them if I didn't agree to be married. What could I do? I had no support from my siblings, they had their own issues. I went ahead with it rather than be disowned. In the back of my mind, I was thinking it would be relatively easy to divorce him in the UK if I hated him.
My marriage happened in April 2005 in Pakistan - I was even made to purchase my own ticket to get there. I already knew my husband as he was a relative, but I didn't know him well enough to know what he was like or whether I'd consider marrying him. At the time of the nikkah (signing the contract), you have to say 'I agree' three times. At that point I hesitated. I had my future father-in-law sitting next to me and my mother hovering behind me. I felt boxed in and then when my mother demanded I speak up, I did, and I agreed.
Our wedding night was the first time we spoke to each other despite my family previously reassuring me that I would get a chance to speak to him before the wedding to decide if I wanted to marry him. Clearly that was a tactic to get me to Pakistan. He told me what he wanted from the marriage and I thought maybe he wasn't so bad. He talked about how he wanted the marriage to be a partnership and how he wanted us both to be happy. I left a week later and it was likely to be months before he would get a spouse's visa. That gave me time to return to the UK and decide what I wanted to do.
When I returned home we spoke once a week on the phone and often on Yahoo messenger. It gave us a chance to get to know each other and I decided I was prepared to give him and the marriage a proper go. Although it still would have been difficult to back out at such a late stage, I knew that I could get a lot of help and support in the UK if I wanted to end the relationship - and if I had the strength to do it.
We will have been married for 11 years this April, but it was only recently that I realised how much being forced to marry had affected me. There was a bitterness inside me which led to me being argumentative with my husband over the smallest things - because I was thinking I had never wanted to marry him. It was as if I was purposefully looking for the bad in him. I still do sometimes. I often thought about what my life could have been like if I had had the courage to walk away from my family when they were marrying me off.
The biggest relationship to suffer was with my parents. To anyone looking on, nothing seems wrong. But there is. I am quite sensitive to them trying to give me advice as I immediately think they are trying to control my life. They suggest I do something and I will do the opposite because I don't want them telling me what to do. Forcing me to marry was enough.
The pain and hurt of being forced into marriage stays with you. Especially the thought that to the parents, honour was more important than their child's happiness - and they were willing to be emotionally abusive to get what they wanted.
Parents must consider whether a forced marriage is worth losing their child's love and respect over. Is it really worth the heartache for all involved? We need to work together to wipe this out.
Forced marriage is illegal in England and Wales, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I know I could not have reported my parents. However if anyone is currently going through a forced marriage or think they may be forced into marriage then they can seek help and guidance from The Forced Marriage unit.
I do believe that younger generations are key to helping stamp out forced marriages. They better understand their rights and are usually more educated. They need to make sure they do not put the idea of honour above their children's future happiness, and that they put the needs of their children first. People who have already been forced into marriage also need to speak out to show the impact it has had - hopefully this will help deter people from repeating the process. The older generation still think that honour is the most important thing in life, but everyone has the right to choose who to marry.
This April is our 11th wedding anniversary. It has taken a lot of hard work and patience to get here. I was one of the lucky ones.
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Guest post: "Forced marriage - I was one of the lucky ones"
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MumsnetGuestPosts · 10/02/2016 11:43
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