The cards in the shops are covered in storks, balloons and tiny feet. "Your bundle of joy has arrived!" "May your new daughter fill your world with love and laughter!".
The world wants to pretend that when you're having a baby there are only teddies, sunshine and bubbles. Perhaps if we were a bit more honest, it would make life easier for all mums, and mums whose experiences are very far from this. Mums like me.
I had a normal healthy pregnancy and felt elated after birth. Despite struggling with breastfeeding and not sleeping well because I was so happy and my mind was racing, I was overwhelmed by love from family and friends, and my feelings for my beautiful son.
But on the third evening after he was born, it was like my mind snapped. Suddenly I was in a nightmare, like I'd had a vivid dream and didn't know what was real. I was in the bathroom without knowing how I'd got there, and then in the bedroom. All I could do was hold my son, zombie-like, not knowing what to do.
I thought my son had been with me in bed and I had rolled over and killed him. I was so scared. We went to A&E where I was assessed and given a bed in a Mother and Baby Unit (MBU). I was diagnosed with a severe mental illness that strikes one or two new mums in every thousand: postpartum psychosis.
I don't remember much.
I believed I had locked in syndrome, and I had delusions about God and the devil. I felt people on TV were talking to me, I began to be paranoid about the staff and other patients, and had tremendous anxiety. I spent about four months recovering in the MBU. The worst of the psychosis subsided after about two weeks of taking the right anti-psychotic. I bonded with my son, and I felt so much happiness and joy despite everything that had happened. But once over the psychosis I suffered a deep depression, which I was still battling when we were discharged.
When we returned home I was supported by a mental health team including a psychologist who visited me regularly for the first year. I would have good days, but then at other times I just wanted to curl up in bed and never get up. My body was so heavy, I felt numb and disconnected from everything. I had to force myself to get out of bed, to be with my son, to speak.
Sometimes I would meet up with a parenting group. When introducing myself, I said that I had had postpartum psychosis, and was still struggling. Not one woman over the course of several weeks asked me about it.
I looked at those other mums breastfeeding, who seemed so happy, able to enjoy their babies, talk easily to each other and have a laugh. I felt huge sadness, fear and despair. I grieved for the person I used to be, the mum I'd wanted to be, and thought I would never feel myself again. I thought I was a terrible mum and I felt robbed - this wasn't what being a mother was meant to be like, this wasn't what I had been told it would be like.
But slowly the good times became more frequent. As my beautiful baby became a toddler, he adored me, and this helped heal my insecurities.
I found Action on Postpartum Psychosis (APP) and their support forum a year after having my son. I realised I was lucky with the professional support I had received. I was never separated from my son, like so many other women for whom an MBU bed is not available. How much more guilt, shame, failure would I have felt if I had been separated from him for four months?
I no longer felt alone or a failure, because on the forum I found other women who had had similar experiences. They are a group of strong women which I am proud to be part of.
One in five mums suffers a mental health problem in pregnancy or the first year after birth. For those thousands of us, having a baby isn't the sunshine and bubbles that society wants to believe. We must drop pretences and support each other as mums in the reality of our struggles.
What we need to write in those new baby cards is "Love and luck on your parenting adventure. Enjoy the lovely times. If times get tough or things don't go as you expect, I'm here for a chat any time".
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Guest post: Postpartum psychosis - "It was like my mind snapped"
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MumsnetGuestPosts · 11/09/2015 13:14
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