People are always curious when I say I grew up alongside foster children. I think lots of people feel uncomfortable with the idea of welcoming a stranger into their family without knowing the consequences – and if we talked about it more, perhaps more people would be inclined to consider fostering as an option for them.
I know lots of people that are put off because they worry about the impact on their own children. Of course, having a kid is tough enough already - why knowingly add external factors that might make the situation even harder? My Mum has said that you have to know your own kids pretty well before you step into the unknown world of foster care. Having said that, even without fostering nobody can predict the future; whether to have another baby, choosing where to live, what school they’ll go to - you can't know what impact it will have on the family.
I was four when my parents started fostering, and I remember the giddy excitement when a social worker came to see me and my three older siblings, trying our best to entertain this visitor who seemed so interested in talking to us.
We started with babies, and then moved on to school-age kids, Remand Fostering, and both short and longer-term placements. The first little boy that came to stay with us was about one. He only stayed with us for a few weeks, but we all cried when he left. It got easier after the first few children. We quickly became used to having other people in the house, and kids are adaptable – especially if they themselves have a stable and loving upbringing.
Most of the children that came to stay with us were quiet to start with. I'm sure it was quite overwhelming to suddenly be in a large family of loud personalities. The fact that they were in care suggests that this new environment was markedly different from the family life they were used to. As we practised the Karate Kid crane kick on each other, some stayed quiet, some got angry, but most eventually joined in.
As a parent, I've thought about the quietness of some of those children, and it makes my heart heavy. At the crux of it, these were innocent kids who had no control over the circumstances life had placed them in – and so there was a tonne of emotions, challenges and behaviours that came along with them.
It wasn't always a bed of roses. Some of the kids on remand from prison were particularly difficult and different from anyone I'd ever met – surly teenagers with a penchant for law-breaking, old enough to feel angry about their lot. But they could be fun too: they'd say ‘cunt’ in front of my Dad - an upstanding member of the clergy - and wait for a reaction. You have to go quite far to shock my parents.
Over the years, we had a number of foster children and two of them became my brother and sister. I have five siblings. I get frustrated when people ask how many of them are my ‘real ones’. All of them are.
Now that I'm a parent, I feel exceptionally proud of the way my family turned out and particularly of my mum and dad – they had the courage to follow through on their ‘calling’ to help children who needed it. They never wanted praise for it, and they’d never frown on anyone who didn't want to do it; I suppose they view it as a vocation.
Biological children can benefit hugely from fostering. It taught me the lessons that I've carried into adulthood - the tolerance that has to come from living with people with different values, to try not to judge people, and probably most importantly, that people's behaviour is often a result of their experiences. Most people grow up in a bubble of others with similar upbringings, but a foster family will get exposure to something beyond that bubble. And I've got good memories of having a full house – the noise, the rows, and the fun.
My husband and I have talked about whether we might foster. We have a one-year-old and a three-year-old and right now are just getting through the survival stage that having small babies brings with it. I think of the ways we've already agonised over how to provide a life of love and happiness for our own children, and then imagine kids facing a lifetime without parents, or a life of neglect or indifference. It's hard to think of a good reason why we wouldn't.
Fostering isn't for everyone. But if one of your main reasons for not considering it is because of the impact it might have on any biological children, hopefully my experience might reassure you. There's a lot of value in realising not everyone has been brought up like you, and a lot of pride in seeing someone settle in to your family because of the love and security you've given them. Your family might be able to provide the environment that all children deserve to grow up in, and that is pretty bloody special.
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Guest post: 'Growing up with foster children made me the person I am today'
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MumsnetGuestPosts · 13/06/2014 15:58
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