"Are you having a boy or a girl?"
It's pretty much the first question an expectant mother is asked, right after inquiries about her due date and demands to know what strange foods she's been craving. She will hear this question over and over throughout the course of her pregnancy. After the birth, well-meaning strangers will approach her, strangers who, for some reason, absolutely need to know her child's gender before they coo over how wonderful they are. Even cooing must be gender-appropriate, you see: "she's so beautiful," or "he's so strong," or "look at how sweet she is, she's such a girl."
Children are gendered to a frightening degree, and – with the majority of expectant parents finding out their child's sex during pregnancy – they’re boxed in to its narrow confines long before they draw their first breath. A baby girl can expect to go home to a pink room sprinkled with pink toys and with a closet full of pink clothing. You've got to try really hard to find gender-neutral apparel for children – shops are divided neatly into "boy" and "girl" sections, with all things related to sports and transportation and outer space on one side, and all things lacy and ruffly and pastel-coloured on the other. Right from birth, society teaches our children that they need to fit into stereotypical gender roles, or else suffer dire consequences.
Of course, gender is a social construct. Everything we think we know about how boys are different from girls is informed by the society we live in, and we reinforce these ideas in our own children in both subtle and overt ways. "Boys are so rambunctious compared to girls," we say, which in turn, influences how we treat loud, active boys versus how we treat loud, active girls. Perhaps we’re more lenient about curbing that type of behaviour in boys, whereas we might be sterner with a girl who exhibits those tendencies. We give cues to our children about what we expect from them, and in turn they modify their behaviour according to those cues - it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Society tends to conflate sex and gender, but they’re not the same and a distinction should be made. A person's sex is typically (though not always) identifiable at birth, while it might take them years to figure out how they fit into the gender roles our society has created. But we don’t give children time to figure anything out about gender – we foist all of our own ideas on them from the word go, and then hope for the best.
I'm determined to raise my son with as little gender baggage as possible, and while it hasn't always been easy, so far it's been worth it. I've given him trucks and trains to play with, yes, but also dolls and a kitchen set. I switch up the pronouns in books so that it’s not just boys doing 'boy things' and girls doing 'girl things' all the time. I try to keep his clothing as gender-neutral as possible and I let him wear his hair long because that's how he likes it, and he should be able to have his hair whatever length makes him happy.
The fact is, kids don't have an innate concept of gender - anything they know about gender, they've learned from us. When a little boy wants to play with a doll or have his nails painted, it's not because he's feminine – it's because it's fun. It's only once an adult tells him that those are 'girl' things that he creates the association. And when the adult acts as if they're uncertain or disapproving of that choice, then the child starts to feel that 'girl' things are bad or wrong. Although I'm conscious of how I teach my son about gender, I don’t think of him as a boy, really – I just think of him as my kid, his own individual person with his own likes and dislikes.
The other day, my neighbours saw him wearing pyjamas with rocket-ships on them, and they said: "Oh, of course he loves outer space – he's a boy!" But he doesn't love outer space or rockets or astronauts because he's a boy – he loves them because these things are fascinating and fun no matter what your gender. By the same token, when he takes care of his baby doll and pretends to feed it and change its nappy, he's not doing that because he's a girl – he's doing that because he's practising the nurturing skills that he's learned from his father and me. Sometimes he'll tell me that when he grows up, first he wants to be a mama and then he'll be a dada. I love that right now gender is still this strange, fluid thing to him. I hope that he keeps that belief for as long as possible.
Unfortunately, our culture routinely punishes people who deviate from the gender boxes that they've been put in. An increasing number of parents would say that little boys should be allowed to wear dresses and make-up if they want to – but the truth is that their sons will face repercussions that might be difficult, painful or even physically dangerous. Even if we as parents understand and acknowledge that letting our kids dress in and play with the things that they love is the best possible option, we simultaneously want to protect our children from any kind of abuse. It’s a fine balance, but we owe it to our children to try to find that balance – above all we want them to be as comfortable in their own skins as possible.
We need to let our kids be whoever they are and create an environment where they feel safe exploring all of their options. We should teach our children to question assumptions about gender – if they tell you that only men drive trucks, ask them why they think that and then provide examples of women truck drivers. And we must be gentle on ourselves – if you have a girl who only loves pink and princesses, don't assume that you've somehow failed to fully tear down gender stereotypes. Maybe she would have liked princesses no matter what. Maybe her best friend loves pink and your daughter wants to be just like her in every way possible. Maybe she'll grow out of it, and maybe not. The point is that it’s their choice.
We have to make them feel that whatever they like is exactly the right thing for them to like, because the truth is, wherever our children end up falling on the gender spectrum, that is exactly where they should be.
Guest posts
Guest post: Raising gender neutral children - can it really be done?
MumsnetGuestPosts · 25/04/2014 15:22
My DSSs (to whom I am of course not genetically related but with whom I live in very close proximity and in whom I attempt to instill what I think are some of my more desirable habits) are proof positive of the infallibility of genes 
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I wish I could take credit for (what I perceive to be) DD's great qualities but they are merely inherited, not the fruit of my labours.
ah, good point mrscog
I suppose I am typically female in that I am nurturing and caring, and tend towards perceived girly things like bags and shoes and make up, but not silly nails and manicures and I am not girly in the pink and frilly sense at all, but my DD is. So, I supose there is an element of nature and nurture in all of us. What I try to do is weed out the less savoury bits of the nurture, such as gender stereotyping and pigeonholing girls into being less capable or able than boys.
Interesting that I am a structural engineer by profession; I felt from an early age that I should fight against the suggested career path for girls from my background of nurse or secretary if clever, shop/factory worker if not, and believe me it was a fight. I did technical subjects at school rather than home economics (one of the first years at my comp to be given a choice back in 1980) and was the only girl in my class at high school and in a small minority at college and university and in the workforce.
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I think not telling people the sex is just plain odd 
. By all means be as gender neutral as possible, but that is a tad extreme is it not?
And on the "oooh, brave" vs "oooh, be careful" comments for boys vs girls, I don't think I've ever witnessed anything like that with all three of my children; there was the same amount of careful comments for all of them. And I have one overly cautious boy, one moderately cautious girl and one fearless to the point of physical endangerment boy.
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