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Royal Birth guest blog: Kate Middleton's Cut-Out-And-Keep Guide to Mumsnet

(30 Posts)
KateMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 22-Jul-13 21:28:45

The royal baby has arrived - huge congratulations to Kate and William on the birth of their first child!

To mark the auspicious occasion - and to welcome the Duchess of Cambridge to parenthood - our very own Aitch has rustled up a handy guide to Mumsnet.

Do feel free to add your own suggestions here on the thread...

"Congratulations, your Royal Highness! You just had a baby boy! A Precious First-Born! Pretty much THE precious first-born, in fact. Roll out the actual bunting! Sound the actual trumpets!

Now, apart from the immediate world-wide adulation and whatnot, one of the upsides to this baby thing is that it INSTANTLY guarantees you a place on the website we call Mumsnet. That's the one with the biscuits and the swearing, Ma'am <curtseys demurely>.

William's invited too, of course, it's all very 'by parents for parents' round here, and if you look carefully you might even spot Cousin Zara hanging around the Pregnancy Boards.

So first things first - choose your user name. Sadly, PrincessKate and all variations thereof have been taken for some time now; however MyMotherInLawisTheFarkingQueen and HilaryMantelWasInFactWidelyMisunderstood are both still available. Know, though, that nicknames that include numbers - even 'one' - are considered deeply uncool.

And now...your personalised tour of the boards. (Total coincidence that the place smells of paint <ahem>)

We hear that you're going home to your mum's for those first precious babymoon days. This is broadly a good idea, but good luck to your folks if they try to keep the rest of the in-laws at bay, what with them commanding a standing army.

Don't tire yourself out with family visitors, suggest they bring their own flunkeys. Grandpa and Camilla can provide their own biscuits, and we understand Great-Grandma has plenty of Tupperware.

Baby Names
Tough one. Whatever happens, half a globe's worth of people will suck air over their teeth and say it's 'unusual'. You're probably going to have to go classic here, although parents of little Allegras and Edwards now have the additional concern that they may be targeted for a playdate at Katie Hopkins' house. (Stop Press: will not apply if they inherit Uncle Harry's red hair, so fingers crossed on that front).

Breast and Bottle feeding
Give the breastfeeding a bash, if you can. There's lots of good advice on here, plenty of clever, kind women who can help, and equally plenty who can commiserate and advise on bottles if it doesn't go so well. Fortunately, William's family are mostly European, what with all the Germans and the Greeks, so they're bound to be, like, toooooooooooooootally relaxed about seeing the future heir to the throne latched on.

Am I Being Unreasonable?
This is where the name-change facility can come in handy. Please, please double and triple-check that you are not using your real name when you ask 'AIBU to complain that there are no helicopter spaces in the Parent & Child parking zone?' and 'Should I be cross that G-Mil won't tie up her corgis when we visit?'

How does one return those unwanted gifts? Good news, your major stores are entirely unphased by knackered new mothers dumping great piles of bootees and babygros just milliseconds before the receipt runs out. It is, admittedly, less clear whether the President of Canada will take back that maple leaf cardie set and swap it for a bigger size, but if anyone can swing that, it'll be William's lot.

Forces' Sweethearts
Your husband will only be entitled to a fortnight's paternity leave, so he'll be back flying while you're at home with a baby. Make friends with fellow military women, who understand what you're going through. Form a choir, that seems to go down well.

Question. How does one wean with a silver spoon? Answer. One doesn't, or at least one doesn't have to - you can BLW that HRH. Fortunately for you, whatever method you and William choose, you'll be well-placed to hit the relatives up for some organic veggies. All the better if Grandpa has chatted to them first.

Auntie Pippa will be all over the christening, we're sure. See if you can get hold of that cartwheeling vicar for the entertainment.

Style and Beauty
Look, no pressure... you've just pushed out a live human baby. Frankly if you are out of your pyjamas by five pm at night then you're way ahead as far as we're concerned.

But in your case... well.. that first photo of you and the bub will be seen around the world. It's going to be Considerably Worse than being tagged on Facebook by a proud auntie. Mebbe give that hairdresser a ring?

Have you got your leaving-the-hospital-under-the-glare-of-the-world's-media outfit picked out? What's that you say? You're going to wear wedge heels? Tsk. You're a mother now... Birkies all the way.

As to bringing up the future heir to the throne, just keep it real, or as real as any other mother can with her precious first-born, and you'll be fine. Boy or girl, these days our children are all instructed to avoid elderly strangers bearing apples.

Don't feel too much pressure to make everyone else happy - be selfish and enjoy getting to know this brand new little person that you and William have made. This, even allowing for nights when you Just Wish The Baby Would Sleep*, is your happily ever after.

And hey - don't forget to tell your mother to join Gransnet. She'll be most welcome, especially on the fashion boards. Judging by some of the more controversial horse-racing threads, I think Great-Granny's been a member there for a while...

*On these nights, by the way, Mumsnet Classics is your friend. Bookmark these pages for when you think to yourself 'how could things get any worse?'. Cube of poo, the stupidity thread and funniest bit of childbirth will get you off to a good start - and if this story of the heavily-pregnant woman in the swimming pool doesn't immediately perk you up, place an emergency call to the Royal Physician.

StealthPolarBear Mon 22-Jul-13 22:17:41

Good thread!

Nappy changing Have your butler do it

FannyFifer Mon 22-Jul-13 22:18:29


AtYourCervix Mon 22-Jul-13 22:21:00


StealthPolarBear Mon 22-Jul-13 22:24:37

Nappy changing (2)
Make sure hrh's little willy is pointing downwards before you fasten the nappy. This is important, as you'll discover the first time you forget.

Vests don't HAVE to be take off over the head. They also pull down, for reasons which will become clear in about a fortnight.

MarthasHarbour Mon 22-Jul-13 22:24:45


The best advice i was given was 'the first six weeks are shite - but after that it all kind of fits into place'

If your nanny offers to do the night feeds, dont go all 'i can cope HONEST' you cant love - you will need your sleep, let her do it! wink

Uuuber congratulations smile flowers

MarthasHarbour Mon 22-Jul-13 22:25:55

*Nappy changing (2)
Make sure hrh's little willy is pointing downwards before you fasten the nappy. This is important, as you'll discover the first time you forget.*

YY <nods vigorously> <gavel>

StarlightMcKenzie Mon 22-Jul-13 22:35:36

Cosleep cosleep cosleep..........

Stay in bed for a fortnight and don't do ANY housework. Get William to buy a shedload of M&S microwave meals (yes I know they cost a bomb, but it really is worth it for the first couple of weeks).

Make sure you get Wills to put on one laundry wash a day, just to, you know keep the chaos away.

Unplug the phone and put a sign on your door saying that you are sleeping, even if you aren't. They you can call the people YOU want to see only.


ZingWidge Mon 22-Jul-13 22:53:38

you are allowed to wear jim-jams until lunch time

when people visit you and baby ask them to bring food

katese11 Mon 22-Jul-13 23:08:48

I love Aitch.

scottishmummy Mon 22-Jul-13 23:20:18

Now that baby is here kate,you can bin the matching undies,as now paper pants and sanny pads like 19tog duvet will be your best pal. Take full advantage and sit on sofa watching the wright show,and don't rush to buy blast that baby belly DVD. Your telly and radio habits will change for those night'll turn into a radio4 world service aficionado.i certainly did.

Handabag, up til now your bag has been filled with chi chi lovely things,pricy potions and expensive fripperies. No more. Make space for the wipes,the calpol,the teething granules,the nappies.youll cart all that bumph for few years to come

Get a blingy buggy,I recommend a bugaboo.sure to piss off all the bugaboo haters.never mind them,they is too poor to appreciate the bugaboo walk of pride

Unlike mine,your hv will coo and bill to your every whim. Your hv us unlikely to grab your swollen boob and shuvve it in baby yap

We too have a granny who thinks she's all that
Nothing you can do about that I'm afraid

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Tue 23-Jul-13 00:37:18

I love sm shock

we too have a granny who thinks she's all that

MusicalEndorphins Tue 23-Jul-13 03:47:11

Very nice welcome to mumsnet for the new royal parents
The Right Honorable Prime Minster of Canada, Stephen Harper will no doubt be surprised to learn that Canada has a "President". grin

Trills Tue 23-Jul-13 08:22:57


Just saying smile

You'll find that some people on MN think it's big or clever to correct your spelling. It's not. Ignore them. But do use paragraphs if you can manage it. We won't be able to agree that you are definitely not being unreasonable in any way whatsoever if we can't read your post. (because that's definitely what we do on AIBU, oh yes)

YoniBottsBumgina Tue 23-Jul-13 08:30:06

And don't hire Clare Byam-Cook "breastfeeding advisor to the stars" because she may well grab your boob. Get advice from someone sensible instead like an ibclc or our very own tiktok wink

ChocolateHelps Tue 23-Jul-13 09:52:19

Totally agree with Yoni!

LoganMummy Tue 23-Jul-13 10:12:20

The tips here just got read out on ITV News!

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Tue 23-Jul-13 10:18:11

Musical. I was just about to post the same thing grin

Scottishmummy that is the longest post from you I have ever seen. gringrin

CambridgeBlue Tue 23-Jul-13 10:30:11

Love this, really sums up what MN is about for the rest of us with non-royal kids too smile

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Tue 23-Jul-13 11:21:01

Hearts I was amzed to see sm here at all, but then I expected one of her Humphy Haikus.

Maybe she has a squidgy side after all grin

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Tue 23-Jul-13 11:22:28

Just spotted the crown on the MN logo, aw sweet!

StealthPolarBear Tue 23-Jul-13 12:14:57

I know you're considering "Apollo Viking Charles"
But don't. Seriously - just no.

ZingWidge Tue 23-Jul-13 12:29:46

Don't call baby Prinze Harpoonz Killah Wales

mariedavis241 Tue 23-Jul-13 14:10:07

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Shiraztastic Tue 23-Jul-13 14:50:34

<goes all soppy>

Actually,it's not a tip exactly, but in case they are reading this, what I'd like to say is that I've been thinking about these new parents this afternoon as I look after my huge baby who's nearly 1. We have giggled and laughed, I had to put her in the shower to clean up a poo explosion, and I have just wiped cream cheese off the floor on my hands and knees for lunch, before repeatedly building her towers out of blocks to knock ocer. Why did this make me think of them? Because this is all so normal, and that is what I wish for this brand new little family unit.

After tonight or tomorrow's brief public appearance, for the next weeks and months this newly born prince is theirs, and entirely theirs. If they wish to stay at home and keep him away from the cameras, it will be relatively easy. He is not yet really 'public property'. So enjoy the normality, if you can. Yes, use all the help in these early weeks, they can be tough days (and nights), but do rock him to sleep yourselves, and change those nappies, and as he gets bigger do as much normal stuff as you can. People will pry and nose, but as those months turn to the years before nursery, he will still be largely yours, so don't rely too heavily on nannies, there will be times ahead where you will have no choice. Years pass quickly. Hold those pudgy hands, before you are walking him into nursery amongst a barrage of flashes, and before he knows how to 'smile for the camera'. Right now you are 'just' first time parents, and he is just a baby. Parenthood is a great leveller. He knows nothing of the world but you. I'm sure his paternal grandmother would approve smile.

Oh, and MN is great, and v anonymous, so why not take advantage wink

My only real tip is to ignore everyone else, and trust your own instincts.

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