how many 'firsts' did you miss going back to work?

[crazycanuck]

hello everyone, I am new to mumsnet, just had my first ds this past March. I have to go back to work 3 days a week in July and am due to go back fulltime in August. I am debating the whole going back fulltime thing because I am terrified of missing so many of ds's 'firsts' ie first word, first step, iykwim! please tell me that any of you who went back to work still caught these wonderful moments, either in the evenings or on the weekend! just feeling really torn right now and full of apprehension!

[Friendlygirl]

Hi. I went back to workwhn my dd was 7 months old for 3 days a week. I missed her first ever steps - but saw them for the first time in the evening. Not sure what else I missed but even now she is 2 nad 4 months she is doing lots of stuf ffor the first time. The first time I see it is a first for me. If I were just out of the room I could miss something so I do not worry about working. I found working gave me a whole other perspective on life and a break and so I am happy. But it is a personal thng.

[Marina]

None. And I went back full-time. I took the view that the first time ds and dd did anything was when we saw it, as parents. If your daycare providers are at all sensitive, they will reinforce this line and not make you feel you are missing anything. Honestly! I hated going back, truly, did so for purely financial reasons (although my job is a nice one so I am lucky in my work environment etc) and missed my children desperately. Still do tbh.
But I promise you that missing out on "firsts" will not be an issue.
Friendlygirl is right - you could be on the loo/descaling the dishwasher/be otherwise distracted and miss stuff too, even if you were at home all the time.

[otto]

I work full time and I missed ds's very first steps and his second, third, fourth and probably fifth steps as he always tried out walking when I was upstairs, or on the loo, or in the kitchen. So you can miss them even when you are at home. It does take ages for them to perfect crawling and walking etc, so you may miss the very first attempt, but you certainly won't miss the progress. Like you, I was worried about missing out , but it really hasn't bothered me in the way I thought it would.

[ninah]

First tantrum!
Seriously, you don't feel as if you are missing out because you experience all your child's development as one big first, you don't itemise things the way you imagine you will. And agree, the childcare pple are sensitive to this.

[bobbybob]

I was a SAHM and still missed ds's first steps.

[Fennel]

i can't think of any "firsts" i missed and I went back quite early with all of them (part time though). things like walking and talking is often such a gradual progression - dd3 age 14 months did what might have been her first step a week or so ago, I was watching but was not sure even when watching. there's "first step", first "real" step, first "two steps", etc.

[jessicasmummy]

im a SAHM and due to being in hopsital didnt "discover" jess's first tooth. When he brought her to see me though, she decided to geto n her hands and knees and rock for the first time just for me.

She goes to nursery one day a week to give me a break, and she stood up in her cot for the very first time there - nursery didnt tell us, but my SIL is the manager, and when i phoned to tell my dad that night that she had done it at home, SIL had already told him she did it at nursery!!!

Im not too bothered as long as she does things for me!

[Tortington]

i can't remember any of it - and don't understand why it is given importance. with the exception of disability, most children walk and talk - what's the big deal? if yo missed them walking at 3pm but see them do it at 6pm - why would anyone be upset? i think its a bit sad but then it hink keeping your kids rubbish art pictures until you die and they find them in the cupboard is sad too - like keeping your babies hospital band and umbilical peg.

[jessicasmummy]

ive got jess's hospital bands - they are in her baby book.... im a sad mummy now.

[QueenFlounce]

An excited Nursery Nurse came running up to me when I was collected ds from Nursery to tell me that Ds had his first tooth! I got really pissed off about it, but now I have another child I don't seem to be so obsessive about "1sts's" anymore.

[koalabear]

your children will have firsts throughout their lives - you wont always be there to see them (some of them, I imagine, you wont want to see ) - however, you will always be THERE for them - that's the most important thing

if going back to work is what you want/need to do either for your own self, or financially, then that is what is best for your baby

don't worry about the "firsts" - there will be so many things to share when you are with them

[bossykate]

none so far ds is 4 and dd is nearly 11m.

[crazycanuck]

thanks everyone, I think it's just a symptom of my anxiety about leaving him with someone else for longer than I am used to!

[QueenOfQuotes]

I'm SAHM to two boys, and I've missed lots of their 'firsts' don't worry about it :-)

[janinlondon]

I worked full time from DD being 8 months, and (how sad is this??!!) I have videotape of her first word, first shuffling crawl, and first steps. Haven't missed anything.

[chipmonkey]

I missed ds1's first step and when I went to collect him, one trainee childminder said really excitedly, "He walked!" To which the regular minder said, through gritted teeth, "You're not supposed to tell them, you're supposed to let them find out for themselves!" To me it didn't matter. If you don't see the first step, you'll see the second or the third. Its the milestone itself thats important, not who was there at the time.

[Friendlygirl]

Just wanted to add that I heard my dd kissed nursery staff months and months before she kissed me but you know, I don't mind at all because I am her mummy (and thrilled to be so). No one can take that away. There wil be times over the years when I drive her mad with fury (for her own safety) but I will always be her mummy and will only frustrate her out of love.

[anniebear]

Of course firsts are important to most Mums

and I am sure many Mums keep some special pictures etc All my friends do.

Could you tell the Nursery/childminder etc not to tell you if you Daughter does any 'important' firsts?

I am sure after a while these things do become a little less important

[aloha]

I agree with those who say that 'firsts' blur with time and anyway, they are a progression, from 'buh' to 'balloon' which may happen over weeks or months and who is to say which is the first word? And is the first step the one done between the sofa and the table, or the little run in the garden? I have worked and not worked and don't feel I missed out on anything. And as others have said, there are new 'firsts' every single day as your child grows - first time they add up, first time they sing a new song, first time they write the number seven....

[soapbox]

None at all (DS5 and DD7 now).

Having said that I think I employed a nanny who was the soul of discretion. I'm sure that their 'first steps' at 6pm had already been observed by nanny but she was discreet enough not to mention them

[nooka]

I went back to work full time at 6mths with ds and 3 mths with dd (I got quite depressed at home). I'm sure I must have missed some firsts, but you know looking back (now the children are 4 and 6) neither my husband nor I have a very clear memory of lots of first stuff that we were around for. I know it sounds terrible but we discovered the other day that we couldn't really remember at what age they started crawling or walking or talking (or the first word either). It was incredibly important at the time, but has faded really fast. I used to get really annoyed with my mother as a child because she couldn't remember these things, and she was a traditional SAHM.

What matters is that you provide care for them that is good and that they are happy. It doesn't neccessarily have to be you. And don't worry - you will still have lots of great memories!

[Skribble]

I managed to miss DS first day at school, DD first day at nursery and school. DD firt day at new school. Can't honestly remember which baby firsts I missed. When you look back I suppose it isn't such a big deal.

[expatinscotland]

I missed her first steps. That's about it. But I had to feed her, so it was a non-issue for me. DH is a SAHD.

[fatmomma]

I really feel for you crazy, I got myself in a complete state before going back to work part-time. I was so het-up that I came out in terrible hives all over my body and my mouth kept swelling up . I'm not normally the 'stressy' type either.

If you have good childcare then I'm sure you wont have a problem. I too worried about this but my ds' nursery don't tell you these things unless you ask. If you don't know they did something at nursery then it is in effect the 'first time' when you witness it. They have progress books for all the children but I just didn't read it very often when ds was getting through lots of firsts. It's a lot easier now he is 2yo and development has slowed down.

I wouldn't worry too much about committing to full-time hours at the minute. Just go back part-time and see how things work out. After all, if your company can manage with you on part time now surely this situation can continue if you change your mind?

I wont say don't get stressed because that is pointless, it is perfectly valid for you too feel worried. Just know that most of us go through this at some point and there are lots of people here who can support you .

[clary]

Oh crazy I know what you mean.
But fwiw I saw dd's first step from the sofa to the open room (remember really clearly) and I went back to work when she was 4mo.
First word etc is still special the first time you hear it...and as Marina and others say, no nursery is going to say, oh yes, she's been saying that for weeks!
Yes agree with aloha's post too (as usual).