my partner wants to go straight back to work and wants to take me and baby with him! advice?

[michelle89]

hey
im 30weeks pregnant with my first child, me and my partner moved into our own place in august, our money is tight atm and most of it goes on bills, im due to give birth on 18th jan. my partner wants to go straight back to work, as in the day i come out of hospital as he says he cnt afford to take time off. he works as a carer for him mum, his mum is an alcoholic and a smoker, because of this she needs a permo carer. the midwife says once baby is born ill be very tired and will need someone to care for me the first few days after baby is born. my partner wants me to go to work with him everyday once baby is born! which means being out house 12hours a day, catching 2busses there n bk, takin all the stuff baby needs eg: sterilizer, nappies, whipes, clothes, moses basket?? im not keen on the idea at all, not only will i be to tired but i dnt want my newborn son to be in tht enviroment. i have no-one else who can look after me them first few days, me and my parents dont get on, iv lost all my friends and my relitives aint spoke to me in yrs. does this mean im goin to hav to look after my self in the 1st few days? im defo not going to my partners mums and when i ask him about it he either says i dno or we'll cme up with something. any advice welcome x

[nickelbabe]

not the best thought out plan.

does he not get paternity leave?

[nickelbabe]

or could he book a fortnigth as holiday instead?

[nickelbabe]

sorry, i understand.
didn't realise his full-time job was carer: i read it as he did that on top of his job.

ignore me...

[claraquack]

And if you have had a c-section? You certainly won't want to go anywhere for a while and will need help at home with the baby.

I think your dh needs a reality check.

[Fleecy]

Hmm, you can't go with him, carting all that stuff around on a bus. And presumably you'd prefer your baby not to be in a smoky place either.

You will be tired and this will add enormous amounts of stress which won't be welcome.

My friend's DP went back to work the day their 2nd DS was born (14mo gap) so she really had her hands full but I'd have thought that was preferable to the alternative.

Is there really nobody you can ask? If you have a C-section, you'll need someone there.

I think Sure Start provide help - have you contacted them to see if they could have someone help you out a few hours a day?

[thumbwitch]

still don't quite get it - does he get paid to look after his own mother as a job?

[claraquack]

Btw is it a private arrangement with his mother or is he an official "carer"? In which case, as mentioned, won't he get paternity leave (or isn't it obligatory? I don't know these things).

[Arsed]

why does the fact that his mum is a alcoholic smoker mean she needs a full time carer?

You lugging yourself allover the place on busses days after having a baby is just not feasable.

You will be able to manage perfectly well in the comfort of your own home. Buy plenty of biscuits and other nice things to eat, download so decent TV and relax with your baby. You will be able to look after yourself and if you have a section and can't your DP will hve no choice but to take time off work.

[michelle89]

he says he'll only get a % of his current wages if he goes on paternity leave and we cant afford to + no-one else to look after his mum, he works 6days a week and last week worked 7!

[pofacedandproud]

Who pays him? Council or his mum? you are entitled to 2 weeks paternity leave and he should take it.

[Fleecy]

But isn't paternity leave the basic £110 a week or whatever? I can'see why someone might not be able to afford to loose a big chunk of their wages for a fortnight.

Def speak to your midwife or Sure Start and find out what help is available.

[Fleecy]

Does he get paid holiday? Like Nickelbabe mentioned.

[ShinyAndNew]

I agree with Arsed. Unless you have a section, there is no reason you would not be able to look after yourself.

I was a single mum when I gave birth to dd1. I coped perfectly well. Two days after giving birth to dd2 I was out shopping for bras.

If you would rather he be there for the first few days would Social Services not be able to help with his mum? Is she that incapable she can't manage on her own? I have never heard of an alcoholic being given a carer.

[michelle89]

erm well he works for his mum, she has an accountant that pays his wages and i think his wages come out of the money the social services give her for a carer. everytime i discuse it with my partner hes always adiment im goin with him n i can stay in his old room all day, if i say i dnt wna he either says iv got no choice or we'll have to sort something out. he also seams to think im gna get post natal depression aswell he seems reluctant to take time off so i dno what to do.

[RollCorpseIntoHedge]

I don't get the working arragngement at all...maybe you could elaborate?

Lots of women do cope on their own after birth. I know a poor girl in her late teens who took herself off in early labour, to hospital, on the bus and came back on the bus with her baby.

If you have a c-section then you can ask to stay in hopsital longer as you have no one to care for you at home.

Not nice though!

[michelle89]

and he gets no paid holidays

[thumbwitch]

if his mum can afford an accountant then she can afford to pay him for paternity leave for her grandchild.
As others have said, you should be able to cope anyway so long as it's all fairly straightforward.

[ShinyAndNew]

RollCorpse, my friend did similar. Unexpected early birth and her mum was on nights. I was so annoyed she did not ring me. I would have gotten a taxi in my jammies if I had to. Her dd was kept in, but when she was released she got a taxi home.

Have you had depression before? I don't see why he should believe that you would suffer PND, or that you couldn't cope alone. How old are you? You sound very young.

[pofacedandproud]

couldn't his mum get a different carer for a week or two? From SS? There should be respite care.

[Arsed]

Sweetheart just say no. He cannot make you do that, he doesn't own you.

You will be much less likely to get PND if you chill ut at home getting used to being mummy in your own time even if you are on your own.

[frogetyfrog]

If he is employed by his mother, and assumably paying taxes, then he is entitled to annual leave.

[michelle89]

i dont get his working arrangements either, he works 6days a week 9-5, no paid holidays, from what he says if he does go on paternity leave there is no1 to look after his mum and he'll only get a % of his wages. do you think this is an excuse to not stay at home with me and baby? last week he worked 7 days and hardly saw him at all
thnx for everyones replys x

[Purplebuns]

He really doesn't seem to be in touch with your needs much.
I would say you are going to do better than you think you would, but if you do have a section u WILL need help.
Also am I missing something here? It seems he is more concerned about his mum than his child and you.
Making you go on the bus! And saying you will get PND?

[claraquack]

I have total admiration for single mums and others who do it on their own because I could NOT have coped on my own. I didn't get PND but might well have done if I had been alone. I didn't have family close and had recently moved to the area so didn't know anyone near by, so would have felt very isolated.

You don't know how you will feel after the birth. Even without depression you may well be very hormonal/emotional. Do you have close friends who could come over and spend time with you in the first few days after the birth?

But I would still insist your dh takes at least a week off.

[thatsnotmymonster]

Why is your partner being so insistent on you going with him?
Is he usually like this- controlling/telling you what to do etc?

It is totally unreasonable to expect you and a newborn to be out for 12 hours at someone else's house. You will need to relax and have access to all your own things.

You will be able to look after yourself at home (provided you have not had a section) but you will need to make sure you have lots of easy meals at hand and drinks/snacks etc. You may be able to go out and about- I was doing a Tesco shop when dd2 was 3 days and I had a 2 and 3yo aswell. It is exhausting though.

Maybe your dp should think about changing jobs- it sounds shit and once you have a baby and you are home alone 6/7 days a week for 12 hours at a time with no holidays etc... Plus if you are ever sick (flu/vomitting bug etc) and can't look after your baby what will you do then?