How to convince DH to agree to what I would like to do

[mixedmamameansbusiness]

Hi ladies,

Since having DS1 (now 3.5) I have wondered from full time work, to temping to part time work after DS2.

I have recently started a course at uni with a view to doing my degree (part time evenings so not intereferring with anything)and hopefully becoming a teacher.

I work 3 days a week with very understanding employers so I have it good, and I know that but now I need more time for studying and also am enjoying spending my time with the kids (which was difficult before because of IL issues). Yesterday I worked out that we are just £2.78 better off by me working, so essentially I get up 3 days a week and go to work all day for £2.78 per month.

Last night I approached DH about me giving up work and DS2 being with me with a little help from my parents for study days as ILs are no longer able to help even if we wanted. I really feel like I want this now, but he just said we can think about it..... what I cant understand is what there is to think about when clearly we are worse off financially. He even suggested I get a ft job, as I work as a PA and there are some well paid PA jobs around, but I failed terribly at ft when I tried with just one child and have only recently got to grips with cleaning, cooking, kids work etc.

My question is how to approach the subject again and try to get some sort of agreement that suits us both.

[HappyMummyOfOne]

I presume once your little one is older your childcare fees will reduce, many mums work for very little after costs in the early years to keep their jobs and skills upto date etc.

From your post, its all about what you want to do and you're not happy your DH does not agree. Perhaps he doesnt want to be the sole earner especially when the economy remains uncertain.

Can you not make better use of the 4 days off you have already by bulk cooking, doing housework in the evening etc?

[mixedmamameansbusiness]

HappyMummy - I am studying to move careers so my job is not to keep my skills up to date.

The problem is that me not working would actually make us about £2 better off so him being the sole earner doesnt really make a difference financially if that makes sense.

It is a little selfish of me granted but since I am effectively working for nothing and the career will be changing once I complete my studies I just cant see the point IYSWIM.

The flipside is that DH has spoken to me (in the same convo) about perhaps having final child number 3, which would mean that all of this would fall into place anyway, but that is a separate issue and I am trying not to merge the two.

[Speckledeggy]

Work out how you would like it work in your ideal world then present it to him again. Tell him it would make you a lot happier and ultimately you are working towards a career with good prospects and a pension. That might help!

Under no circumstances go full time as a PA. I'm a high level PA and I'm highly paid in comparison to most but I pay the price. I work for a demanding person and am pretty much stressed and knackered most of the time. I've got a degree and there is virtually no chance for me to be promoted unless I take a sideways step. It's a mugs game to be honest!

[mixedmamameansbusiness]

Thanks Speckle. I think that is sound advice. I have had some very demanding PA roles and I know ultimately that I would be so unhappy.

It just irks me so much that there seems no point to it whatsoever and the the £2.00 odd is against me and not even for me.

[Speckledeggy]

There is no way on earth I would do my job for £2.78 per month! I cannot believe that your husband isn't behind you on this one.

A lot of people stick with their jobs as they see it as a good way to keep their hand in and their pension going. I can understand their thinking but that's not the case with you at all.

I think another selling point of taking time out would be the money you would save. For example, I'm really creative and love cooking from scratch. I bet I could save far more than £2.78 a month by being clever with the pennies. Perhaps you could bring this to his attention too?

Spend time at home with your children now and really go for the teaching course if you want to. It's something I've thought of doing for a long time. There is nothing rewarding in working for a demanding boss who earns 50 times what you do, belive me!

[mazzystartled]

Well I think there are a couple of things to consider on top of the financial workings out:

1. you've only just started your course. have you done any actual teaching practice yet? what if, despite plans and hopes it turns out it's just not for you? maybe you need to keep some other avenues open for a bit?

1. how stable is your husband's job? is he anxious about it? how happy is he in it? do you need tokeep hold of yours as back up?

1. do you think you could hack it as a sahm? (+ studying?) it's no picnic!

[mixedmamameansbusiness]

Thx ladies.

Well my certificate and degree will take 5 years so even I dont go into teaching many more doors will be open iyswim. DH has no interest in career per se, he works because everyone has to work and earn money although he does enjoy it a fair bit and it is fairly secure.

We have spoken some more and I think he is just a bit worried about the actual numbers, are they accurate and so forth.

We have decided to carry on as we are for the moment but will be trying for (final) baby number 3 and reassess after maternity leave.

Could I hack being a SAHM that is a good question... I had always thought that I wasnt cut out for it but I think it was because I missed something stimulating in my life other than what you children give you, prev this was work but now studying.

My work are very understanding so it wont kill me to stay until we concieve go on maternity leave etc. BTW my course is also flexible and pt so hopefully it will all fallinto place.

Thx so much.

[indiewitch]

Is the £2.00 extra after just childcare bills or do you pay anything else?

[mixedmamameansbusiness]

That is including my wages, DH wages and Tax Creds and the £2.00 odd is what extra we would have if I didnt work after paying everything, we get a substantial contribution to chidlcare from TC.... i.e relied more on benefits... I think that DHs reservations are a little about this too as neither of us has ever really claimed for anything ever but we have really struggled over the last few years and have both worked since we were 16 so it isnt like we would actually be "sponging" for want of a better expression, but especially where we live there is a massive stigma attached and a very stereotypical image.