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Cant leave my baby

(16 Posts)
lovetoshop Tue 14-Jul-09 11:26:34

Never thought I would find myself using a forum like this but I just dont know who else to turn to. I have a common (I think) problem, but its keeping me awake at night and beginning to affect my relationship. I panic atthe though of leaving my 8 month old with anyone but his dad (my partner). I thought by now I'd feel OK and my partner really wants us to have time to ourselves but I just feel sick at the thought of walking out the door and leaving my wee one. My Mum is an hour away nut MIL is only 5 mins away so she is the obvious choice. Long story but not the greatest relationship between us altho probably no worse than any other in-law relationship. I've left him once - he was fine of course, but I was a wreck. Please...does anyone have any words of wisdom?

CouldYouWouldYouWithaGoat Tue 14-Jul-09 11:29:53

if you are going back to work, find a good nursery/childminder. it is really hard. is your mil really awful?

PartOfTheHumphreysGroup Tue 14-Jul-09 11:33:49

Are you talking about leaving him to go back to work or just for a short break etc?

It is scary, but they will be fine.. I have a 10 month old dd and am now back at work so she goes to nursery 3 days a week. The first time (settling in sessions) was horrible but it does get better. I am now fairly relaxed about it but always VERY happy when it's time to see her again! that's the best bit

If you don't have to leave him just yet, then don't if it's causing you so much worry.. if you do need to go back to work or want to go away for a night then build up slowly - just an hour or two shopping the first few times, etc.

I found the anticipation far far worse than the reality.

LyraSilvertongue Tue 14-Jul-09 11:35:01

Do you mean babysitters so you can have a night out?
It really will get easier the more you leave him, just make sure it's someone your really trust, then you won't feel so panicky. It's good for him to get use to being alone with other people too.

lovetoshop Tue 14-Jul-09 11:41:08

Thank you, its so nice to hear its not just me. Of course I know every mum finds it tough but I never thought it would feel like this. My MIL is OK (ish) but she doesnt really make an effort with me and has upset me quite a few times since I had little one. usual stuff (ie thats not the way I did it so why are you etc...) but these hormones mean I take it straight to heart! I only want to go out for a meal or something and part of me knows I just have to do it. I actually have friends with whom I would rather leave him but with MIL so close it would look very obvious and would upset my partner. I dont want to hurt her but I cant help feeleing resentful towards her. He's not a great sleeper either so I know he will stay up when she comes and then get over-tired, grizzly etc...Thank you so much for responding!

cyteen Tue 14-Jul-09 11:42:59

Second everything that PartOfTheHumphreysGroup has posted. I dreaded leaving my son, to the point where it was keeping me awake at night (like I needed another reason). However, he has settled in fantastically at nursery, the staff love him and tbh I'm enjoying work more than I ever have. And every day when I go to pick him up I get butterflies in my stomach

The fear of it is worse than actually doing it.

slimyak Tue 14-Jul-09 11:59:21

I know what you're going through. When I left DD for a trial session with Childminder for the first time I was a wreck, but that was a year ago now and I know DD gets alot out of the change of scene and doing the things she doesn't do with Mummy on the days I'm at work. It took a couple of months to get used to the set up and if I'm honest it took me longer than DD to settle.

As for baby sitters, go out local, food, cinema etc. short and sober so you can get back easily if you need to. Mummy and Daddy time is V important but you need to be able to relax into it.

Everyone is different, so don't feel you have to push yourself - mummy weaning takes time too!

As for MIL it's an offer of help and as long as you trust her to keep everything safe and phone you if anything goes wrong then take the help. Whatever your relationship with her she's still your ds granny, and grannies are important.

If your DS is a good sleeper I'd try the evenings out with your partner first. I found it easier to leave someone in charge of the TV remote whilst DD was tucked up in bed. If they wake up screaming then it's an obvious sign that the babysitter needs to phone you.

DD is 2 and I haven't left her over night yet, even though Grandma's are happy/desperate to have her sleep over.

It does get easier and it's lovely when you pick them up and they're so pleased to see you.

lovetoshop Tue 14-Jul-09 12:17:29

Thanks. Great advice from all. I think I have let this issue build up and up and so now it seems insurmountable. I guess I just have to do it. I think MIL would ring if he screams, altho I know she would be a little embarrassed about doing so so I have this recurring nightmare that he's screaming and she's doing everything she can to quieten him rather than calling! I know its good for him, good for us and good for her so I think I'll take the plunge and arrange something. I'm going to do it this week so I dont have too long to think about it! Feel bit panicky and quite silly as there are far more serious things to get in a stew about!

CouldYouWouldYouWithaGoat Tue 14-Jul-09 13:17:14

it will be really lovely for your mil as well and might improve your relationship.

violethill Tue 14-Jul-09 22:05:31

I think it's one of those situations where you have to be put your own feelings second. Because this is about your feelings, not your child's - which you're obviously aware of, because you say your ds was fine when you did leave him!

lovetoshop Wed 15-Jul-09 10:55:26

I know its about me and my feelings and of course I feel guilty for that. I dont want a clingy child who doesnt have confidence with anyone else. Its just that MIL doesnt visit (only lives 10 mins away) and it feels very one sided. She believes I should take little one to her etc...but thats an old argument. I just want to feel 100% confident when I walk out the door but because our relationship (me and MIL) isnt too good I know I wont. I do feel selfish and I know I'm blowing it all out of proportion but I cant help that. I would never use little one in an argument with her and therefore I know I must leave him. It all just feels so uncomfortable and unneccesary. I have tried with her since he was born but it seems to be a one way street?

DuchessOfRubbish Fri 17-Jul-09 17:40:15

Do you mind If I just jump in here with you? I am goig through the same, only I have already started back to work (last week) and I am doing 12 hour night shifts. So far my Mum has had DD in the evenings to put her to bed and in the mornings when DH goes to work and I come home, then brings her back around 1/2 3 when I have had some sleep. She won't be able to do this every time as she works too, and starting tomorrow, I have to leave DD with my MIL. She is a lovely MIL and I do have a great relationship with her, but up until now, I have always been weary of leaving DD with her as on the few occasions she has had her, she does stuff like forget to change her nappy, or try and rock her to sleep when she is crying for food. MIL had three kids of her own, so I shouldn't be so para about it, but I can't help it. I like DD to have a good relationship with both sets of grannies, and I know that the help MIL is offering is allowing me to work but like you, I worry. Especially know that uncomfortable feeling you are talking about. It doesn't sit right with the soul does it?

However, from the way I have felt this past week, once you have done the initial leaving without them part, thats the hardest bit over. I had a friend text me on the way to work for moral support as I felt my world was caving in!

No advice to offer really, but just to say that I am with you and know how you feel

lovetoshop Sat 18-Jul-09 10:36:57

Thank you so much. You are exactly right, it doesnt sit right in my heart to leave my precious one with someone who I feel doesnt particularly like me that much. She too has raised 3 children and therefore I shouldnt be para either but knowing what she thinks of me and how she's been since he was born just gives me such a dry mouth. I left him going back a while for a couple of hours with her and of course, he was fine. However, since then we have had several 'almost confrontations' and I think words have been had between my hub and her. so I feel things have shifted again. She told me if her other children ever have babes she will see more of them because they aren't as selfish as me. I cant get this out of my head. Incidentally, I take him to see her once a week and regularly invite her to visit (she works so says this is difficult). She believes we should visit more in the evenings but this is when I'm trying (!!) to get little one to recognise his bed-time!

Thing is, I figure I have to get over this because she isnt going to change and I have little choice but to return to work which means leaving him with her one to two days per week. If I left him with a childminder or friend I think that would finish the relationship between us completely and of course cause trouble in my marriage. Sorry to go on but it does help to post!

OpheliaPink Tue 21-Jul-09 20:04:26

Only that, for your own sanity, you need to find someone else to help you make the break. It might be better to find a professional who will make you feel confident that they know what they are doing and are detached enough to get you out of the door, and then you wouldn't be worrying about someone (your MIL) doing things NOT your way. You could tell someone you pay exactly how you want things done. The longer you leave it the harder it will be. Leave baby with someone whose focus is ONLY your baby. And know that you can check in with them as many times as you like to see how it's going. Eventually you'll realise it's fine and that you need to look after yourself too. I have three under 5 and feel guilty all the time at leaving them, but i have to remind myself that i am a better person when i'm back with them because of the break i had. And that they enjoy being with someone else as well.

messalina Thu 30-Jul-09 20:01:23

I remember having those feelings when DD was about three months old and I had booked an agency babysitter and nearly cancelled because I was worried she would abduct DD. Totally ridiculous as she turned out to be lovely and I had a great night out. But TBH all those feelings went after that. I really like the little nursery DD goes to now I am back at work (FT) and I think that is absolutely key. If you know your baby is having a lovely day without you, you'll be much happier. My DD actually SMILES every morning when she sees the nursery door. Some mothers might get upset about this but I am just really happy she has such a great day there. And to be honest, babies are so fickle that even if they cry for a few minutes after you leave them, they'll soon forget about it. But they'll be pleased to see you when you turn up to collect them. I would say a nursery or childminder with other children would also be a LOT better than your MIL looking after your baby. Much more sociable, properly trained and no issues of jealousy on your part. I'd say natural to feel anxious about it, but you need to take the plunge if you have to go back to work. Your baby will be fine.

messalina Thu 30-Jul-09 20:06:39

Lovetoshop, I think from reading the posts about your MIL that you really should consider a professional. It doesn't seem as if you have a great relationship with your MIL and I am really surprised at some of the nasty things she has said to you - telling you that you are selfish, for example. She sounds like a complete bitch. My MIL would never say anything like that. I think that this woman could easily try to insinuate that your baby loves her more than you, you could have rows about how you want it brought up etc. etc. And she won't be up to date with current childcare guidelines. If you can afford it, opt for professional care.

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