Mother & mother in law already planning childcare for when i go back to work...

[mumtobe23]

Sorry a bit long...
I am a little upset & a bit angry to be honest as i feel they're already treading on my toes.

I am currently 31 weeks pregnant with my first baby. I haven't even had her yet, let alone started maternity leave, neither have I decided how long I will have off and if & when I do go back how many days i will do.
The thought of childcare as far as im concerned is not only a very long way off and not very high on my agenda right now, but should be down to me and my boyfriend to decided who & where she is looked after and for how long.

However it seems my mother and mother in law have already, between themselves & without asking me, sorted out who will have my baby & on what days!
They haven't even discussed it with me I found out via my boyfriend who's mother told him!

Now dont get me wrong I will need there help but feel they should either have asked me or wait to be asked, instead of pretty much telling me what to do.
I am now somehow being made to feel like I'm in the wrong for feeling like this!

[thisisyesterday]

awww, i suspect that, like most mums/MIL's they are just getting a bit over-excited at the prospect of getting to look after the baby.

is it the first grandchild?

tbh, like you say, it is soooo far in the future that I would just pay no attention to it. if they mention anything to you or your boyfriend then just say "we haven't decided if i'll go back to work yet" or "we aren't thinking about childcare right now" and then just don't discuss it.
when the time comes then YOU get to choose what to do with your child. but for the time being let them enjoy imagining spending time with their grandchild while you enjoy the rest of your pregnancy

[gegs73]

I don't think you are in the wrong I completely get where you are coming from and I think they have been very insensitive. However, you will get free childcare hopefully if you decide to go back to work which you will like when the time comes (I did) .

I'd just say something like, thanks for arranging this between you but don't worry about it for a long time yet! I'll let you know when I need you. Before that you just need to concentrate on being great Grannies.

Is it their first Grandchild btw? Mine were like this with DS1 though the novelty had worn off by the time DS2 arrived and MIL didn't want to look after both of them!

[mumtobe23]

Thanks thisisyesterday, yes it?s my MIL's 1st but my mums 2nd.
I know I'm being all hormonal about it and i think your right about them being excited, which makes me feel even worse!
I'm getting that horrible little voice saying "she's my baby not yours" and just the thought of anyone else looking after my baby is horrible even the doting nannies! which i know is selfish.
I hope i feel better and less jealous when I've had her!
Thanks for your advice x

[mumtobe23]

thanks gegs73 we crossed posts! x

[Portofino]

Just wait - you prob end up being hugely grateful this time next year, when the nannies are still fighting over the baby, and you get to go back to bed/to the pub/the hairdressers on your own!

[AMumInScotland]

I'm guessing the pair of them got a bit silly and overexcited about the whole thing and egged each other on, then before you know it they've gone from "Ooh, won't it be nice, and we can both help them out", to a full-scale plan without them stopping to think if they were overdoing it.

A polite but friendly, "thanks but we're a long way from needing to sort that out" should hopefully stop them.

But if they are people who do tend to run other people's lives for them (my granny was like that - loveley lady, but quite convinced she could sort things out better than anyone else) then you can make sure you draw up some boundaries about how much help you do want, and what you'd rather sort for yourself.

[HarryB]

Mumtobe23, You are not in the wrong for feeling this way. I know exactly how you feel and I hope that this is overenthusiasm on their part. My MiL and SiL told me which schools DS would be going to when I was still carrying him and they had worked out a schedule too which included calling me cruel for wanting DS to go to nursery. I wish I had nipped those comments in the bud then as it got much much worse and 6 months on I can barely be in the same room as them, I am that resentful.

Please try not to let it fester. I would say to them, I know you are very excited - we all are - but going back to work is a long way off and I want to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy and mat leave with DD. We will be grateful for any help you will be able to give us when the time comes and DP and I will discuss your involvement then.

Sounds a bit formal but I wish to god I'd said it.

Good luck