ILs caring for DS, no attachment, noone cares except me!

[feralgirl]

OK, I'm going back to work full time the week after next after 7 lovely months with DS. I do want to go back as I love my job and we need the money. We've organised childcare so that DH will be home 2 days a week, my parents will have DS two days and my MiL and SiL will have him together one day a week, which they say they are very excited about. I feel very fortunate that I have family who can help us out this way.

I have made sure that DS has spent loads of time with my parents, has a cot to sleep in, and all the other equipment that they and he will need. I'm reasonably confident that they'll all be OK together.

However DS has spent barely any time with my ILs. I've been going on and on to DH for months to try and get MiL to spend some time with DS but he hasn't sorted it out. I've asked MiL myself and she's put me off every time. She knows nothing about DS and they can't have any kind of attachment. I feel as though she's doing us a favour and therefore I can't get arsey about it though.

Even though I do want to go back to work this is really stressing me out. DH and I had a massive argument about it last weekend and I haven't mentioned it all week as I figured I'd just trust DH to talk to his mum and arrange some time together this week. He hasn't. I've just talked to him about it again to try to explain why it's important to me and been accused of nagging etc.

I'm so because the nursery I would have used sends out your key worker to your home to spend time with you and your DC two weeks before they start there and they work really hard to ease you all in. For a bit of cash I could be sure that DS would be happy in my absence but, god forbid, I upset the MiL by rocking the boat at all.

I guess I'd just like some advice from anyone who's been in a similar situation.

OR you can all just tell me to stop being such a twunt about my PFB and get over myself!

[violethill]

I think the phrase
'For a bit of cash I could be sure that DS would be happy in my absence' sums it up. Go for the nursery. Your peace of mind and your child's wellbeing has to come before possibly rocking the boat with the inlaws. And to be blunt about it, you have managed to organise 4 days free childcare, so it's hardly splashing the cash to pay for the care you want for one day is it?

If your inlaws have shown very little interest so far, then I don't think it will necessarily upset them too much anyway. Just make other arrangements and let them know. It doesn't have to spoil things between you - you can carry on the social visits you'd have done anyway, and let them just be grandparents rather than unpaid carers - which IMO is what grandparents ought to be anyway.

[ilovemydogandmrobama]

For one day a week, is it worth the stress?

Agree with Violet. Put him in nursery for a day a week. If you are getting the impression that they are doing you a favor at this stage, then fast forward to several months/years down the road. Your DH clearly assumes that you will make the arrangements, so if there are problems, he won't be the one dealing with them; you will. At least with a nursery, it's on a professional basis, and like Violet says, it's hardly a huge amount as you have free childcare for 4 out of 5 days!

[mrsbaldwin]

I'm very fortunate and have a lovely MIL - might be a useful comparison to hear about what she does and then decide.

I've taken DS to her house one day per week since just after he was born, for a half-day/day, knowing that he would be going to have that day with her when I go back to work (she had spontaneously offered this before he was born). She gives DS a bottle, cuddles him etc, changes his nappy (even when I try to take him off her and do the dirty stuff myself!) She has also spontaneously offered to babysit/collect him from nursery if we can't get there etc.

My MIL loves babies (my DH is one of 4 and DS is her 7th grandchild) so I am lucky! But pals of mine have MILs that sound a bit more like the model that yours is - and from listening to them talk, it's not worth the aggro asking them to do childcare because they do it, but with an ill grace and laden everything with barbed comments and unwanted advice, plus sometimes don't respect your wishes (eg nap at certain time, no chocolate or whatever).

[Meglet]

I'd go for the nursery. A good nursery is a million times better than half-arsed ILs. Can you scrape together the money for one day at nursery? My ds just does one morning a week at nursery (rest of week he's with family) but he settled into nursery just fine as they are so lovely.

[feralgirl]

Mrsbaldwin, you MiL sounds like my mum, (a) lovely and (b) doesn't offer help, just does it without thought.

I know what you're all saying is right, DS has to come first.

My problem is that my ILs say they want to help and they offered the one day care, we certainly never asked. Until DS was born, I had a really good relationship with them and, not only do I not want to upset them, things between DH and me have been thoroughly crappy recently and I know he'll go off the deep end when I suggest that DS would be better off in nursery.

My MiL does love babies too (she also has 7 grandkids) and she's been great with DS on the few occasions when she's met him, I just know that she hasn't spent enough time with us for him to form any sort of bond with her. I'm assuming she just doesn't like me and that's why...

DH and I have already had a huge barny about the fact that MiL has flatly refused to take DS to the local baby group on Friday mornings - which he loves and where he's been going for months - as she says she's "not comfortable" with it

I guess I'm just going to have to bite the bullet...

[fucksticks]

I'm going to go a little bit against the grain here and say - give her a chance!
She has offered to have your DS and you say she is great with him when they are together.
Your DH has been a twonk in not arranging a settling in period even though you asked him to, not her.

Call her and say you are ringing to sort out the details about when you go back to work witrh her having DS.
Start off by asking her if she is still happy to do it, give her an out. Maybe something like 'Its really kind of you to have offered to have him and I appreciate it, but I realise its a lot of your time taken up and hard work so will totally understand if you'd rather not'
If she is happy to have him still, then go on to say that you'd like to arrange several days between now and then to have a settling in period. Maybe a day with the three of you together, then a half day together and her and your ds alone for a couple of hours but with you nearby etc.
You can tell her that you are nervous about leaving him and it'll make you feel happier and more relaxed if you can see he is settled in with her first. Also it'll give you a chance to chat to her about his routines/feeding/naps etc.

Just make it really clear that you want him to have the settling in time before you leave him there alone. If she tries to stall it or say she is busy, then get your Mum to do an extra day a week with DS for the first week or two 'so we have longer to settle DS with you MIL. I'm sure you agree that it'll be better for you both to start off your days together on the right foot with him being settled and happy alone with you'
If she drags it out longer then get Ds a place in the nursery!

[thirtypence]

Playing devil's advocate - maybe she was letting you have as much time with your baby before you return to work.

[feralgirl]

Fucksticks are you my mum? I spoke to her this morning and that's EXACTLY what she said too!

Turns out that she and MiL have been chatting and MiL has said she really wants to make sure everything's fine and that I'm happy and that she's prepared to do whatever it takes to get things right when I go back.

I am absolutely livid with myself for stupidly thinking that DH would take any sort of responsibility for organising anything. Clearly I should have just talked straight to MiL myself ages ago and saved myself a lot of aggro. I've texted MiL and am taking DS over to see her this afternoon; I will start the conversation in the way you suggest fucksticks.

DH is a complete knobjockey - calling him a "twonk" is kind - but that's a whole different thread...