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what response should I give to rude people?????

(34 Posts)
mogwai Fri 08-Apr-05 12:39:26

I'm 30 weeks pg with first baby. I'll be having seven months maternity leave before going back part time. Both sets of grandparents still work, so we are going to use a day nursery, which I've looked around and been very impressed with.

I am a healthcare professional and I specialise in treating children, so I know a bit about child development and I can spot the difference between a good and bad nursery.

Yesterday, one of my colleagues asked me whether I was coming back after the baby is born. I was a bit surprised she asked as we have discussed the issue several times. She has no children but wants to try for a baby next year. She's adamant she won't return to work, doesn't like her job in the first place (I love mine). She already knew I felt differently and was definitely planning to return.

When I said I was coming back, she asked "what will ou do with the baby?" in a really incredulous and surprised tone. When I told her about the nursery three days a week, she really pulled a face as though she didn't agree it was the right thing to do. I said "What, you think I'm cruel?" half jokingly, to which she replied "yes!" seriously.

Tbh, I was a bit taken aback. I was eating my lunch and two other colleagues were present. I just said "well...nobody has ever said that to me before!", to which she replied "you're putting words in my mouth".

I'm not sure I handled it right really - I'd have liked to have a better response than "nobody has ever said that before" but I don't want to cause ill feeling by saying something inflammatory like "it's none of your business". Any suggestions on a way of dealing with these types of comments? I've also chosen not to breast feed and have had comments like "oh you've got to breastfeed" so it would be noce to have something to say in response to both types of comment!

vict17 Fri 08-Apr-05 12:42:12

I think it's best not to sink to their level and be rude back, and just laugh and say something like 'wait til you have kids' and then turn away

Pamina3 Fri 08-Apr-05 12:50:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bearess Fri 08-Apr-05 12:54:18

Would agree with vict17. Your colleague's attitude is a bit rich considering she isn't even pg - would ignore her. The thing is, you never know what will happen when you have your baby. You might decide to stay home. Your colleague might be hotfooting it back to work!! I am a SAHM but am lucky in that we can afford it (just!) and in any case, I had no great love of the job I was doing before having ds. Each to their own I say. Most of my friends work, some through necessity, some through choice. Happy mummy makes happy baby imo. Just shrug these comments off, I know it must be frustrating. You will prbably get lots of questions about bottle-feeding babs when he/she arrives - don;t let it get to you, do what is right for you. Good luck!

mogwai Fri 08-Apr-05 12:58:04

thanks ladies!

I agree children thrive in nurseries, on so many levels, but especially socially. The structure and routine can be so stimulating for a child.

In some respects, I'm glad my mother can't share the childcare. It would be much cheaper, but my baby would be plonked in front of the TV most of the time (my mum, bless her, isn't one for making much effort, prefers to lie on the sofa with remote control - she did it with my baby sister when I was 15, said sister is now a nightmare!). I think my baby will get the best stimulation, and I'll be dying to spend time with him/her by the time thursday comes around.

There seems to be something about pregnancy and motherhood that makes other women think they can be judgemental, even those who have no children. Makes me so cross!

mogwai Fri 08-Apr-05 13:02:45

ooh Bearess! I'm just waiting for the comments about bottle feeding! Yup, maybe I'll change my mind, but at the moment, job is too fab and I'd never get another one like it in my whole life. I think extended mat leave would be the only other option (with daddy working extra hours to make up the money!)

Can you believe, one person actually said 2I'll never speak to you again if you don't breastfeed!" she was only half-joking. I sometimes wonder whether bursting into tears after a coment like that wouldn't be such a bad thing. Imagine how bad you'd feel to upset someone so much - it would certainly make you think about what you had said! unfortunately I can't turn on the waterworks at will!

Blu Fri 08-Apr-05 13:07:38

Mogwai, sympathies. Lots of things about children seem to pluck people's strings and get them making a noise, and in some ways it's natural - we feel more deeply about decisions about children than how often people clean their cars etc. Maybe she does have a 'moral' stance of=n children in childcare, and she is entitled to it - but it was insensitive of her to voice it, and you don't have to rise to it / justify yourself. Of course you will be a brilliant Mum and your baby will be more than well looked after.

Just a thought - could she be either jealous that you are having a baby and/or worried that she won't be able to, and is trying to undermine your status as a professional by saying you shouldn't be working??

vict17 Fri 08-Apr-05 13:09:06

"one person actually said 2I'll never speak to you again if you don't breastfeed!" was that a 'friend'???????????

mogwai Fri 08-Apr-05 13:26:38

Hmmm Blu, the comment you make is interesting. I only met this girl last august, when I started a new job. She's nice enough, but does have a habit of voicing an opinion without thinking.

She's two months older than me (32) and wasn't married but seeing a bloke who was a bit non-commital. When we met, I was trying for a baby and it was taking a bit of effort, much longer than I thought it would. I have a suspicion this started her thinking about her age and the fact she wanted children at some point but hadn't given it much thought and hadn't realised it might not happen straight away (she said something like "ooh you've made me think perhaps I should get on with it).

SO she's persuaded this bloke to get married, only she wanted to do it ASAP so they are going abroad next month (though she claims it's because she objects to paying for a meal for people if she has a wedding here). I do wonder now whether she's a bit envious, it hadn't crossed my mind. TO be honest, I think she's more envious I'll get the summer off work (she really hates her job).

And yes, that was a real friend who made the comment about breastfeeding. She's 10 years older than me s perhaps thinks she can say things like that! I love her to bits, but her attitudes are sometimes a bit annoying!!

gothicmama Fri 08-Apr-05 13:26:58

" a happy mum is far better than 24/7 resented caring"

Bearess Fri 08-Apr-05 13:38:21

mogwai - it really makes me cross to see these comments you're receiving. Have you had any of the usual classics about names - WHY do people feel they can be rude about your chosen names, next time around (fingers crossed) we won't tell anyone!

Fio2 Fri 08-Apr-05 13:41:53

mogwai, i really think you have to just remind yourself, that a. it is your child and b. you are happy with the decisions you are taking. Sod everyone else it is not their kid. Ignore the woman at work, she doesnt even warrant a response

flamesparrow Fri 08-Apr-05 14:03:52

Stupid people!! Mine was the opposite, I had lots of "What do you mean, you're giving up work?!?!" people!!!

I think that with pretty much any parenting decision there are going to be people telling you that you are evil, wrong and ruining your child's life... all you can do is ignore them, and follow your heart.

mogwai Fri 08-Apr-05 14:11:47

thanks for your support ladies.
I know what you mean about the name thing! We quite like "Jake" for a boy. The other day I was on a course and some woman I've never met asked me what I was going to call it. I said I wasn't sure, so she said "Well as long as it's not Jake, I hate that name". OF course, I couldn't resist the temptation, so said "Actually that's exactly the name we've chosen, but if you really hate it..........." she was shame faced. Didn't know me from adam and thrusting her opinions on me!!

flamesparrow Fri 08-Apr-05 14:13:48

Oooh, I got to the stage of refusing to discuss my name ideas with anyone.

Why do people think they have the right to criticise your choice of name??? Best to keep your mouth shut and then they can't say mean things when you show them your new baby and say "Meet Jezebel Nataliah the third"

Obviously no good in your particular situation though!!!!

colditzmum Fri 08-Apr-05 14:14:34

Love Jezabe Nataliah the Third!

flamesparrow Fri 08-Apr-05 14:16:04

The worrying thing is that that name came to me with no thought at all

Bearess Fri 08-Apr-05 14:19:17

awwww, I think jake is a lovely name!!

koalabear Fri 08-Apr-05 14:19:33

mogwai - sometimes it can be effective when confronted with stupid comments to pause, smile knowingly (as if they are dumb), and leave it at that by changing the subject

eg. "are you going to breastfeed?", pause, smile, change subject .... "are you going back to work?", pause, smile, change subject

people quickly get the hint that its not something that you are willing to discuss, or that you seek their opinion on - much easier I found than finding yourself in an unwelcome debate

mogwai Fri 08-Apr-05 14:25:21

I might give that a try!

flamesparrow Fri 08-Apr-05 14:27:46

Ooh, the other thing that works well with the names, is to find a terrifying name and convince people you are set on that one.

I worked inputting customer data, so came across a lot of names. When I had spotted "Fang" twice, I decided that it was a viable name and that I could use it.

I must have been fairly convincing because people had that slightly embarrassed "Is she being serious or joking?" look when they asked what names we had in mind!!!

koalabear Fri 08-Apr-05 14:30:10

ah, thank you - am currently pg and stumped for name - Fang is perfect

Mud Fri 08-Apr-05 14:34:18

Don't listen to people who don't have children

it is amazing how much they think they know about childcare and the responsibilities that lie with being a parent

it is also amazing how quickly they forget everything they once knew once they have children of their own

flamesparrow Fri 08-Apr-05 14:36:11

Tis a girl's name... don't want you to feel foolish if you give it to a boy and then find out

prettyfly1 Mon 11-Apr-05 02:25:24

hi there,

just wanted to say, i am just about to have my first baby at twenty three. In the time since i got pg i have had "friends" tell me it was better to abort because i was single,- despite being told i would never have a child making him a blessing -that i should give up work totally because one parent needs to be around and that i was selfish for not wishing to bfeed, and outright sneers at names i chose and comments on my birth plan among many many other stupid, hurtful irresponsible remarks that are made by people without a leg to stand on. Ignore them. It is youre right to choose how youre child is bought up and the decisions you take regarding his/her welfare, upbringing etc. Good luck to you and please dont feel hesitant to politely but firmly request that these people hold their opinions to themselves in future. You dont need to hear it!

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