In April DH retired (on medical grounds) from work, having always worked full-time in a stressful and responsible role. We suspected back then that there would be a honeymoon period followed by a tough adjustment as we went from two shoulder-to-shoulder, corporate-warrior, grumpy, tired, distracted parents to only one of the above and one parent who could focus thoughtfully and calmly on the children. The tough bit appears to have begun.
Just by way of background, DH's disability means that, although entirely independent and an extremely effective parent and house-manager, he can't really do the cleaning, laundry, cooking etc. and we have an au pair couple to do that. DH is nevertheless very busy, not least because he spends a very necessary four mornings a week at the gym/physiotherapy.
The benefits of this new modus vivendi for everyone - DH, the DDs, the au pairs, even the cat - are obvious. Most importantly DH's general health has improved enormously and we have even seen some improvement in his disability. Collaterally, the DDs clearly needed the extra attention that DH can now give them, the au pairs feel that they have joined a warm and vibrant family rather than a precarious military exercise and our cat enjoys the company. So everybody is happier .... except me. I've actually started to resent the thought of having to do my stimulating, well-paid, autonomous job for the next umpteen years; I'm infuriated when DH fails to master a piece of household or child-related administration and quietly distraught when he does; DH has morphed into Tanya Byron and is being a little judgey about my battling-with-jet-lag-and-guilt style of parenting and, worst of all, sometimes when I come home I no longer feel like the cavalry but an inconvenient by-stander.
This is not a piece of DH-bashing. He is an exceptionally intelligent, sensitive and considerate man who is utterly committed to me and the DDs and is already close to achieving uber-husband and parent status. However, as DH has very justly observed, whether he is wilfully incompetent or trouncing the yummy mummies, I'm unhappy and he can't win.
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Please come and help me with your wise and considered thoughts on going from being two full-time WOHP to one full-time WOHM and one SAHD. There has been a marked increase in shouting and flouncing (almost entirely me) in the Issy household.
34 replies
Issy · 15/09/2008 12:47
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