I have a fab opportunity, but DH is being really unhelpful....(5 Posts)
Kids are nearly 9 and 6. Both DH & I worked full time until eldest started school.
6 years ago DH started his own business which he runs from home, and is doing well.
3 years ago I left corporate life and started my own (small) business, working part-time.
DH and I 'shared' some of the school runs/ swimming lessons etc, but in reality I believe I have ended up doing much more, and shoulder most of the family 'responsibilities'
- all school related stuff (uniforms/ bags/ clubs/homework/ music practice / friends over etc)
- all laundry, and most of food shopping (although DH does cook if he can find stuff in the fridge)
We have a cleaner 4 hours a week.
Anyway, someone has offered me the chance to join their business, as a part shareholder, and I'm really excited about the potential opportunity.
I feel I can't consider it and commit to it unless I can 'map out' how we would manage our family responsibilities, and DH meanwhile is urging me to do it (with his eye on the potential ££ it would mean) and saying 'oh, if you want to do it we will find a way' .
Thing is, I have this horrible feeling that this 'finding a way' will involve me being run completely ragged, and ending up with me doing everything I do now AND trying to do this new (full-time job).
I said to DH that before I commit to anything I want us to sit down and agree how we would get done everything that would need doing (after-school care, cleaning, household responsibilities etc etc). But he just says there's no point doing that until we know what the opportunity is?
And then we ended up having a row with me saying I need him to accept that he will HAVE to take on some more of the house/kids stuff, and him wriggling out of it all saying 'we' will find a way to 'outsource' it .
I'm so frustrated. It's as if he's saying 'yes, go and do this thing if you want (and I'm happy to benefit from the cash benefit ) but don't expect me to get inolved in any way....
I just wondered if anyone had been through a similar process, and wondered how you got your DH to face up to his equal responsibilities?
OK in an ideal world he would engage with a discussion about how you were going to manage and you would find solutions together.
However there is something between that and you getting run ragged - which is that you work out how things could be managed (what he would have to do, what you would still do, what would be outsourced and how much it would cost). You can then present him with your suggestions about how you would manage and ask for his response - if he doesn't agree to take on the extra work then he has to find another solution.
You might have more success with the second than the first (although I'd agree its annoying that he doesn't see it as something he needs to worry about). Either way writing a complete list of everything that needs to be done may help concentrate his mind.
It sounds as if he's got used to having a 'cushty' life - fullfilling career, lovely wife and kids and little responsibilitiy for the reality and demands of family life.
If I were you I'd go for it but you'll probably have to accept that there is bound to be a certain amount of 'teething' time where it may well be pretty difficult. But if you never go through the pain barrier, he'll never realise his responsibilities and you'll never be able to do anything for yourself.
I've been through very similar and I have to say it's taken a good few years (sorry) for the rows to stop (almost) and for husband to realise that we are in this family thing together!
Keep talking but don't let him fob you off - you've done it all for long enough and you deserve your own opportunity!
FWIW some of that (eg laundry) can be outsourced if you get your cleaner to do more hours. Also internet shopping might help but down that time - get the cleaner to put it away.
So whilst yes you can't just outsource everything there might be some stuff you can?
I do this kind of advance worrying where I think this is how it should be and want DH to agree in advance and that would be great. A better tactic might just be to take it bit by bit. One week, try laundry. Arrange a trip out with your mates one day of the weekend and leave DH a specific bunch of laundry to do. For meals, one moment when you have him sitting down, sit down with him with a notepad and plan what you'll have to eat every day for a week (suggest mostly recipes he is good at cooking) - then write a list of all the food you need, give him the list and say 'couldn't you just pick that up at some point' - after all if he's at home all day, he'll be glad of the trip out. When you know he's competent at everything, you can just go on strike, and say 'dh, I think this needs doing, could you please...oh and pass my G&T would you?'
Hee hee - Good luck and congrats on the opportunity.
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