anyone give up a career to stay at home and regret it?

[mostlymay]

I'm in a real dilemma as to what to do. I have a great job but its long hours and very very stressful and was planning on returning to work when all of a sudden its hit me HOW much I love my baby and how much I want to stay at home with her for as long as possible. DH says we can just about cope financially as long as roof doesn't collapse and he doesn't lose his job etc even though I'd have to pay back maternity money so if I want to I can which is amazing as so many women DON'T have this choice.. But has anyone been in this situation, then regretted it.. I feel a bit weird about being financially reliant on DH and giving up a career I've spent so long working at establishing.. but I love spending time with my baby.. Any experiences please?

[princessosyth]

I don't exactly regret it but with hindsight I can see that my decision was made from the heart instead of the head and that is not always a good thing.

I did have the opportunity to return back 2.5 days but chose not to because of issues that I had with my workplace, long commute and financially it just wasn't worth it. I am now in the position where I want to return because ds is at nursery but finding a part time job is impossible and I have been told by employment agencies that I would be more likely to find something if I was prepared to work full time which I am not.

Is there any chance your current company would consider part time?

[Anna8888]

What field are you in and what are your chances of picking up more or less where you left off?

[TheFallenMadonna]

How far into your maternity leave are you?

[Niecie]

No direct experience as the job I gave up wasn't that great anyway and I was glad to be away from it.

However, I just wanted to say, that unless you do something incrediably specialist, no choice is permanent. If you don't like being at home you can always go back to work. However, if you want to stay with your baby I think you should give it a go - they grow up so quickly.

[Onlyaphase]

My job was such that working part time or working from home would be impossible, plus I had a 3 hour commute to deal with, so I have stayed at home. No regrets so far (DD 17 months) but I think I will retrain in something I actually like in a couple of years time. There is more to life than money, and I value this time at home.

[mostlymay]

Education but manangement level and I could go back part time but drop to a main scale position which I'd hate as I've worked so hard to get to the level I'm at. It also means that in 3 years time if I wanted to go back into it I am a very expensive proposition for a main scale post compared to a bright young thing straight out of college. All of this I've talked about with DP and thats why this decision is a kind of water shed..

[mostlymay]

My DD is 5 months old and I need to hand in my notice by end of April .. I am so shocked at how much I am enjoying her company rather than the stress of being at work. ( I have been called into work nearly once a week by the way since she's been born and I KNOW its illegal but it's kind of if I didn't go in things would be even worse when I returned which was what got me thinking do I really want to return anyway?

[Anna8888]

If you are at management level, you could get a management job in another field later down the line. Transferable skills etc - if it makes you feel better, make a list of your transferable skills now.

Go for the SAHM thing

[mostlymay]

These are really helpful (and honest!)answers, thank -you. I think a big part of my dilemma is that I've been raised to believe as an educated woman I should be able to have it all in terms of career and kids etc but now I just want to stay home and play with my baby.. My mother's respnose to this whole thing has crushed me as she said 'What message will you be sending your daughter if you just stay at home?' She worked full time when I was a child and I never saw her!

[Anna8888]

Oh, mostlymay, there are loads of women on MN and in RL brought up to think they should do/have it all who aren't doing/having it all for a zillion good reasons.

Don't do it all just to please your mother - what message would that be sending your DD??? [severe emoticon]

[nkf]

I think that taking time off might lead to more of a change than you realise. Some jobs are very difficult to get back into. Others -the professional ones less so.

I know many women who say that they wish they'd kept their hand in rather than left work entirely for 10 years.

[mostlymay]

You're right..I am so lucky to be in a position where this is even possible that I should just do it.. and I guess upsettig my mother would be an added bonus

[Niecie]

I think your mother is missing the point - you are showing your daughter that you have choices and you have chosen to put her first for a while. There is plenty of time to show her that women can have good careers and work outside the home when she is older. I expect your mother is a little defensive because by choosing a different route to her, it looks like you are questioning her choices, even if you are.

Why do some people think feminism means that you have to work, anyway. I thought it was about choices. Not getting at your mum by the way, just wondering.

[Niecie]

Sorry, even if you aren't

[mostlymay]

Please feel free to have a pop at her Niecie as I agree with you completely! (Just couldn't ever tell her

[Anna8888]

Feminism is surely about women getting what they want out of life rather than submitting themselves to other people's will (be that their husband's, their mother's or anyone else's).

[GrapefruitMoon]

If you really love your job I would look at staying on part-time, even if it meant reduced status, etc. - because if you resign and then want to go back to work in a few years time, it is so much harder to find part-time/flexible working hours from a company you have never worked from, than from an existing employer.

I didn't particularly enjoy my job any more so have no regrets about leaving but I do resent that when I want to go back to work soon, I will be vastly over qualified for any of the part-time jobs I have seen available locally..... (think we had a thread on this recently?)

[seb1]

I gave up a good career and yes I may regret it some day but I think I would have regretted more not spending time with the kids. I went back after DD1 and hated it stopped after having DD2.

[Novicecamper]

Agree with Anna8888. It's about the fact that you have a choice!

It's hard to advise you without knowing you and being able to try and second guess how you'll feel and how you might feel about struggling to get back in the workplace.

I went back for 2 weeks after ds1 and then gave up. However, my old company have kept me busy on a freelance basis ever since (I left 6 years ago and now have 3 children!).

My gut reaction is to say go for being a SAHM - I can't believe how quickly the baby/toddler years have gone (ds3 starts school in September) and all I can say is that I am 100% certain I did the right thing. That's it, a chapter gone, but at least I didn't miss a moment of it.

Once they get to school - that's when you really see the benefits of being at home (imo anyway). No issues if your child is sick, if they have a production you want to go and see, no problems doing school runs etc.

Although I guess it depends what emphasis you put on those things too. To me it's hugely important that I'm able to take mine to school and pick them up and take them home/to friends/to activities at 3.30 and that I can do homework/reading with them at a reasonable hour etc. For some people using after school care isn't an issue but it fills me with horror.

Anyway, I ramble. I guess it's impossible to know how you'll find staying at home so all you can do is give it a whirl if that's what your heart is telling you to do now and you can afford to do so. 6 months down the line you may be ready to go back and you won't have been out of hte loop for too long. Conversely, you may love it and realise it's the best move you ever made, in which case, you won't care about the career you left behind most of the time (I have fleeting moments where I think of the money I could be earning, the benefits I'd have blah blah - but 99.9% of the time I couldn't care less because none of it is as important as what I've got).

[MicrowaveOnly]

I'm giving up now after 9 years being a working mum...its taken that long to get passed the programming Anna talked about, where we expect to do it all.

At last i can watch my children's sports day..before they hit the teenage years and hate me!

[dosydot]

Novice - great post

Gave up a good career to stay at home with DC , I did initially go back after they were born but decided that I would prefer to do one job wholeheartedly rather than 2 half jobs( I am a perfectionist and could not cope with a do it all perspective)

I have not regretted it yet and even if I can't get back into the job market at the same level in the future. I will never regret being with dc as much asi have and having such a close bearing on their early years development.

[rantinghousewife]

I started out on the bottom when I first started work and worked my way into a good position by the time I had dd (most of the time while being a single parent with ds) so I've seen both sides of the coin. I gave up work after I had dd and am now trying to go back to work.
I don't regret it but, I can't get another job at the level I was before I left and I'm finding it a bit hard to swallow that my only options are jobs which pay less than I earnt in my first year at work.
I do find it heartening though, that a lot of women especially ones that I know, tend to set up their own businesses as a kind of revolt to the way that big business do things. Would you consider doing something similiar in a few years?

[alfiesbabe]

I would seriously look at part time options. You want to maintain your career options as well as enjoying being a parent. I would be anxious about just resigning. I think the 'having it all' thing is a myth btw, it's not about that. it's about having a balanced life style.

[micegg]

Sorry to hijak but of those of you who gave up work how did it affect your relationship with DP/DH? How do you deal with the money side in terms of not having any of your own money? I only ask because I am in a simlar position to OP and would like to give up work. IME it hasnt been possible to have it all. I returned to work when DD was 10 months old to a PT post and I am most definately on the mummy track to no where. On the poisitve side it has kept my hand in and as part ime jobs go its a good deal in terms of money, flexibility and holiday allowance, etc. However, we have no family nearby and both of us work an hour from nursery so the logistic of getting DD to and from nursery have been difficult. I am now on mat leave with DC2 (due in 3 weeks ) and OK its early days but I dont miss work a jot. DH commented the other day how much easier it is now I am at home. Everything is just running smoother. I have a feeling he would like me not to go back but wonder if he will still feel the same way a year or so from now when I have no money coming in. When I worked PT he would occacionally make comments about how lucky I was to not have to work FT so I guess this will crop up again. Do any of you ahve this or do you and you DH/DPS share the money and see your roles as separate but as important.