what would you do if your dh wanted you to go back to work but you didn't

[robinredbreast]

and you didn't really need the money either?

[MamaG]

I'd tell him that i realyl didn't want to go yet, but that Iwould think about it when DC were older. I would also assure him I would do the lion's share of housework/cooking

[pyjamaqueen]

I would not go.

[Meeely2]

i would ask him his reasons for wanting me to go back....i would also tell him how much it will cost in childcare, that will soon put him off!

[Anna8888]

I'd first of all explore in great depth the reasons why he wanted me to go back to work and try to analyse whether there was some justification for them.

[Meeely2]

x posts anna!

[lemonaid]

I'd try to get to the bottom of why he really wanted me to go back.

[lemonaid]

More x-posts...

[Dropdeadfred]

any more info forthcoming?

[Anna8888]

Great minds think alike .

OP - you know what you've got to do

[lemonaid]

Also establishing ground rules that if you go back:

Housework and child-related tasks are joint responsibility, 50/50 (and spell out exactly what they are and what that means)

His job is not more important than yours. Covering for DCs' sickness will be shared equally, 50/50, with no excuses from him of "oh, but I really need to go to work"

He cannot just decide to go on to something after work or stay late unless it's been agreed between you well in advance

etc.

[suey2]

difficult one- if you really don't need the money, i would suspect that he wants, at least a part, of his old wife back.
Sorry if that sounds really harsh, it is just that my DH and I have had these conversations at some length. He is worried that all i will have to talk about is my DC (I am 30 weeks PG with first) and that my horizons will contract drastically. WE are both worried that that would adversely affect our marriage.
Can you compromise and work PT?

[KristinaM]

does he understand that if you go back to work he woudl have to do 50% of teh houseowrk and childcare? take days off if kids were ill? leave early etc if children have a hospital appointmnet? take most of his annual leave seperatly to cover school holidays etc?

i find that most of teh childcare i do is invisible to Dh, he only sees what happens on a sat/sun. he has never, for example, taken them to the dr / dentist/ optician and they all have various hospital appointments. he has never bought a single thing for them, toys, clothes, shoes, things for their rooms, gifst for them to give to others. he has never ever washed any item of clothing or bedlinen. he thinks all these thinsg happen by magic . he woudl be APPALLED at the thought of having to give up every second saturday to take kids to choir, football etc. he has never arranged an activity fo them eg calsses, lessons, play dates


and he is actually pretty godd for a man and often cooks and cleans up the kitchen etc and looks after them

but he has no idea of half the things that are involved ie what he woudl be doing if i was working full tiem and not part time

[TheMadHouse]

I would ask why? I would also add that I want to stay at home and why.

[KristinaM]

x posted with lemonaid

[mindalina]

Hear hear Lemonaid - I have a bugger of a time with my DP because he has no concept of "sharing the housework", and he's not even working himself at the moment!

Once he realises the implications for him of having two parents working I'm sure he'll be reconsider!

[Anna8888]

suey2 - don't worry about it. At 30 weeks pregnant with your first you will have pregnancy brain and you will be in a baby fug for a few months after giving birth while you breastfeed incessantly and recover your health. But you must do those things as they will set you and your baby up for the long term. And you will re-emerge into the world in due course and be a proper grown-up woman of the world again, work or no work.

[OrmIrian]

He's mad! Sorry but he is. The problem with working as a parent isn't the working or the parent bit, it's trying to do both. Does he realise the hassle involved in getting DCs to childcare or school before work and still getting in on time, and getting to pick them up on time or arrange after-school care, dealing with sick kids who can't go to school, and the agonising over whether the child is too sick for school in the brief time before you have to leave the house yourself, not to mention other school events that require your presence. Not to mention trying to fit in all the housework in the time you have left when you'd rather be with the DCs. So if money isn't an issue he must be mad.

Unless of course he's assuming that once you are back at work, all that joy will be yours and yours alone Make sure he realises that it won't be and you would be quite prepared to share it...

[belgo]

the question is, are you happy at home? Do you feel fulfilled as a SAHM? It's really not something that everyone can do, it can be very boring.

I'm wondering if your dh thinks you will be happier if you go back to work?

[ladymuck]

Sit down with him, find out his reasons, and also start listing the pros and cons. No idea as to how old your children are, or even whether you have completed your family, but if you haven't got school age children yet then talk him through what childcare for that age group looks like (a large number of my friends gave up working when their children started school as the juggling becomes even harder, and your children can be quite vocal about the fact that they don't like having such little time with you). You may feel guilty handing over your baby or toddler at nursery, but wait until you get to read their "news" books at school...

[Anna8888]

OrmIrian - excellent post

[robinredbreast]

i feel the happist ever being a mummy and he knows that and i dont want to go back to work even part time
hes a stragicic accountant and i do not enjoy talking about work with him as it bores me silly
and i never got any pleasure talking to dh about my job as, as soon as i finished for the day that was it for me ,didnt want to spend the eve talking /thinking about work
im lucky i have lots of friends and family around me and i dont get bored or fed up at all
and we do lots of stuff together like swimming etc

his reason is only because hes obessed with money
he just wants more and more
we have a lovely house and i told him id rather sell this house move to a smaller one aand pay offthe morgage rather than return to work [ought to just point out that his pay is more than enough to pay morgage and bills and leave excess]
and hs said what you'd rather sell the house
now you are being ridiculas
and its just that money is not that important to me

[robinredbreast]

also good points about time off in the holidays sickness school events
as i doubt he'd be happy at all about having to have time off

[BecauseImWorthIt]

So the issue is really about money and lifestyle - this is a key issue in any relationship and one that you have to explore.

Sounds like it might be worth working out how much childcare would cost and therefore how much you would really gain by you going back to work.

[OrmIrian]

I agree with because. It may well be that with childcare, you won't be earning that much anyway. Added to the possibility that your DH may have to bear responsibility for some of the childcare vacuums that will occur even in the best regulated households.

[Twiglett]

well if its about money then point out that it will cost about 30K to employ a nanny and ask him to look into it