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baby only 13 weeks old already know i dont want to go back to work

(30 Posts)
kittenbaby Sun 23-Sep-07 20:56:59

but think well kinda know dh wants me to
we dont need the extra money to live on it would purly be for extra stuff holidays days out etc
how do i tell him without causing arguments
he only really wants me to do one day a week when dd is a year old

LaDiDaDi Sun 23-Sep-07 20:59:00

My immediate thought to this is that actually, in 39 weeks time you might be quite happy to go back to work for one day a week!

When do you have to decide by? I would wait as long as possible before making your decision.

lomondgal Sun 23-Sep-07 21:01:13

Wait and see how you feel nearer the time, you have nearly a year, you may feel differently then and if you don't just tell him you're not going back. I wouldn't bother discussing it now, no point in starting arguments. My dd is also 13 weeks and I couldn't even consider going back, but when she is a year it may be a different story. I might want the time to myself.

fishie Sun 23-Sep-07 21:02:08

one day a week will be lovely if your job is nice, horrid drudgery if you don't enjoy it.

MadLabOwner Sun 23-Sep-07 21:03:40

Just to second what others have said - I have an 11 month old DD, and simply couldn't have imgined leaving her to go to work when she was smaller. Now she is older and in much more of a routine, I can see she might benefit from being around other adults and children a couple of days a week. Really, leave it for a while, don't stress, things may well change

ceebee74 Sun 23-Sep-07 21:03:56

I agree with LaDiDa - your views might change.

I really really didn't want to go back to work but our financial situation is such that I had to - however, I did try and opt for voluntary redundancy to get out of going back - anything to avoid leaving DS.

In the end I went back to work 3 days a week (which ime is a perfect balance) when DS was 7 months old in January this year - and now I don't regret it at all - in fact I am so glad I did. DS has settled really well at nursery and loves it there and I love having 3 days where I don't need to entertain him, constantly think about what to feed him etc and I get to be 'me' for 3 days a week and use my brain etc.

I realise it is not for everyone but just thought I would share my experience.

Loopymumsy Sun 23-Sep-07 21:04:56

Message withdrawn

JiminyCricket Sun 23-Sep-07 21:09:07

Wait and see how you feel further down the line..but be open about your doubts so its not a battle or a shock and the two of you can talk about it as time goes on. I have to say, i always enjoyed work, but felt very 'home focused' still until recently. Now dd2 is two and work is going brilliantly. I work 3 days a week, and tbh it would be great if I could have one more day a week at home with the kids and one more day a week at work!! What I mean is its hard doing both things well, but at the moment working part time is hugely enjoyable. Oh and we are lucky in that the kids go to a fabulous nursery I feel very confident in and they have a ball there. The social stuff there is hugely important to dd1 (just 4) - I mean meeting up with friends is good too, and pre-school sessions help, but at nursery she has time to spend with other kids, and can actually make friends not chosen because I get on with their Mum's. To us its been important that our home-work/breadwinner roles don't get too polarised but I know that's not an issue or a problem for everyone. Oh, and days at home are way way harder than work days, not being jokey, they really are and it can feel quite hard to find respite if you're finding it tough.

doublethelovedoublethekisses Sun 23-Sep-07 21:09:49

Iv'e been back to work about 5 months now and really enjoy it. I love my children to bits but like ceebee74 I enjoy being me instead of 'mummy' for a few hours a day!
There really is every chance you may change your mind so i agree with the others... wait a while before making your final decision smile

pooka Sun 23-Sep-07 21:10:13

One day a week sounds like it may be OK. But then, would it be worth you going back only one day a week, once you take into account childcare.
If it's a job which is part of a longer term career, and you hae associated benefits (like access to an on-going work pension, for example) it can be a good idea to keep your hand in. I did that by working 2 days a week when dd was 1 until I went on maternity leave when pregnant with ds (actually left at 24 weeks, taking hols into account). DD was with my mother, and they had and still have a fantastic relationship as a result.
When pregnant with ds, I knew I would not be returning to work after maternity leave, because couldn't see my mother (who was older by that time, albeit only by 2 years) being able physically to deal with 2, and I didn't want her to have to.
So to cut a long story short, depending upon the nature and long-term prospects of your job it may be worthwhile considering keeping your hand in subject to finding childcare that would suit you. Bear in mind also that you would then benefit from maternity pay and so on should you decide to have more.

pooka Sun 23-Sep-07 21:14:36

I would say that in my opinion, being at home is a very valid and worthwhile thing to do for your children, and doesn't result in you not using your brain.
For me, the appeal of returning when dd was little was that I knew she was with someone who loved her almost as much as me, I got to have lunch breaks, I kept my career going.
Now I freelance from home, and enjoy it, while occasionally missing the gossip and buzz of the office. But at the same time, am divorced from the ghastly office politics.

kittenbaby Sun 23-Sep-07 21:30:54

well dd could go my mil for the day so we wouldnt have to pay for childcare
id take home about 300 a month for doing one day
but we would prob just fritter it away
on holidays days out clothes etc
things we dont need but ar nice all the same
we would still be able to go on hoilidays but i guess it would make the difference between staying in a 2-3 star apartment rather than a 5 star hotel etc
id rather have the time with dd

just have such a strong feeling i want to stay at home and feel a tad odd that these days its not really the done thing

i know you are right though that my feelings may change with time
but ive got a v v strong feeling dh will want me to do 1 day when i really dont think ill want to
if that is the case
just taslking hyperpathily sorry cant spell lol
what should i do
just tell him no im not doing it ?

thanks 4 all the replies

kittenbaby Sun 23-Sep-07 21:34:29

well i half like my job iykwim
like the pay my colleagues,10mins from home good holidays and benefits
but totally hate my boss
if i left and worked for another company
id prob get paid less

so its got pros and cons

if i loved my job it would be diffrent
its just ok and a job iykwim

im lucky im surrounded but lots of friends and family so i dont feel bored or fed up

fishie Sun 23-Sep-07 21:51:53

kitten are you on maternity leave? then you have to sort something out with your employer regardless. and what is dh proposing re household for your working day, is he going to cook? do the washing?

have you seen the poster callled xenia? she has some very strong views on this subject.

kittenbaby Sun 23-Sep-07 21:55:26

hi yeah im on mat leave till jun 08
but i really think i know i dont want to go back
work said theyll talk to me about it nearer the time

pooka Sun 23-Sep-07 21:57:11

I never felt bored or fed up with being at home looking after dcs (well no more than normal IYSWIM wink).
I do like having money coming in. That I save, in my savings account. I also intent to start putting money into CTF for the children. So the money I earn is not frittered away, but is there for a rainy day or for the children.
I have no pension apart from that accrued while I was working for my former employer. So that's another thing I am setting up. All these things add to my (and our) financial security).
When I work (8 hours a week) ds goes to a fantastic childminder/friend and he plays with her similar-aged son. I think that enriches his life. DD is at pre-school then.
Obviously you must do what is right for you and your family. I woudln't for a moment suggest that being a SAHM is any less worthwhile that being in paid employment. I do think that there are benefits though to working outside the home, that last beyond the early years of your children's lives, and these include pensions and money to save and put away for the future, as well as your dd having lovely times with your MIL (if you think that would be the case) as well as 6 days of lovely times with you.
WRT telling your dh, I think that you should maybe wait for a couple of months, maybe until you reach the 6 month stage before discussing what he feels would be the benefits of your returning, and you can then work out how you feel at that stage. There's plenty of time to make a decision, and personally I wouldn't burn your bridges now when there is no need - you don't have to tell your work until much later in the year off whether you will be returning.

kittenbaby Sun 23-Sep-07 21:57:20

iv spent my time in the pg cb and bf section so far 1st time in here x

coleyboy Sun 23-Sep-07 22:02:59

Like others have said, you don't have to decide for a while. So don't stress over it too much at the moment.

However I'm sensing that if you went back to work it would be to appease your dh, no? And that you are annoyed that you feel pressured to return to work, when really you would like to stay at home?

If you feel you need to sell being a sahm to your dh, try and think of some alternative solutions, like seeing if you can make changes to your current spending habits that will enable you to go on holidays etc.

pooka Sun 23-Sep-07 22:04:43

Some people feel strongly that women should return to work. Some feel strongly that women shoudl stay at home.
Personally I could never have returned after dd's mat leave had I not known that my mother would be looking after her, and only for 2 days a week (though I did half a day from home as well).
I am happy that I did go back, though was equally happy when I had ds to leave (loved the job, but also loved being at home with my children).
I am generally happy with the balance I have now of working from home, being my own boss, and having excellent childcare in place. I know though that I am fortunate to have the opportunity to work in this way.
As I said before, the only things I miss about being an employee are the office chat and the pension. But I could pick the pension up again when eventually I do go back as an employee when the children are older. And I get plenty of adult conversation (though that sounds rude grin) with friends and family to keep that area of my life ticking over.

kittenbaby Sun 23-Sep-07 22:05:20

pooka we already save for dd in her ctf and my mil saves f or her too
we also make over payments on the morgage to pay it off early
and saved about 10k dd b4 we had her
so what i think is whats the point in ssaving if u never get to spend it

pooka Sun 23-Sep-07 22:12:08

Well it obviously depends on your financial situation. Sounds similar to mine in terms of security. We have no mortgage and are debt-free, so it means that I am fortunate in that the decision was based purely on what I wanted to do.
You obviously sound very certain that you don't want to go back, and I wouldn't want to persuade you in any other direction - was only giving you examples of why, even if you don't need the money now you might still choose to return to work.
With regards to your husband, has he given you any reasons why he'd prefer you to go back? Or does it come down to the bit in your OP about holidays and days out? Would you be happy with your MIL minding your dd?
Even if you did return to work, there's no law saying that you'd have to stay - you could see how it goes. Equally, you could decide not to. Entirely up to you.

TheYoungVisiter Sun 23-Sep-07 22:16:43

agree - wait and see how you feel. I couldn't stand the idea of leaving DS for even an hour until he was about 6 months. Then the odd night out started to feel appealing, and at 14 months I was ready to go back to work part-time. Now I really look forward to my days at work for a rest! (and I was never a big career type - I enjoy my job but home has always been more important, even before I had kids)

kittenbaby Sun 23-Sep-07 22:22:06

well he can be a greedy bugger lol
and he'd like me to back for purely finacial gain

also im not too sure about dd going with mil
id def have to see them together alot more and see how she is with her more
like she hasnt done a nappy or anything like that
im sure she could
and as dd is ex bf mil hasnt really had much of a chance to do much with her iykwim

TheYoungVisiter Sun 23-Sep-07 22:28:36

depending on what your maternity package is/was you might want to go back for a bit anyway. Sometimes you have to pay back some of the money if you don't go back - my company pays more than that statutory but I'd have to pay it back if I didn't return at all.

pooka Sun 23-Sep-07 22:29:08

Oh I was exactly the same at about the same stage with my MIL - was also bfeeding so she didn't really spend much time with dd until she was a lot older. She wasn't that keen on me feeding because it did mean that for quite a long time I couldn't leave dd with her, because she was still fed on demand and with little routine and predictability until she was at least 6 months old. Then when she was about that age, and I knew there would be about a 3 hour at least window between feeds, she started taking her out for walks and then back to her house to play, while I went swimming or slept wink
Different in that my mum was looking after dd, and she had spent a fair amount of time looking after dd and me after she was born - we were at my mother's house a lot in the early days. Also, having been brought up by my mother, and having had the best childhood, I was completely confident that dd would be happy and loved and beautifully cared for.

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