Son doesn't want to go into childcare

(21 Posts)
Dumbledorker Sat 23-Feb-19 13:30:30

I'm hoping to return to work soon and it will mean that sometimes especially during the holidays I will need childcare. I've not looked into it as yet so just starting here on this thread to ask what is the age that they are actually ok to be left home on their own while you are out at work?
My DS is 13 1/2. Hes pretty much responsible when hes left for a few hours either during the day. Hes happy to be left alone and never worries. I always leave him with something easy to make and eat that doesn't require the hob. Hes never given me any worry or trouble when I've left him alone.
If I was to go out to work I could possibly be out for up to 6+ hours. What does everyone else do?
I havent worked for 10+ years as I have always taken on the role of SAHM while ex husband worked.
I'm worried it will be classed as neglect if I left him while I worked..

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ArnoldBee Sat 23-Feb-19 13:32:46

Most parents at this age would leave their child at home but may be find some activities they could take themselves to during the day.

Dumbledorker Sat 23-Feb-19 13:32:52

I forgot to mention I also have 2 dds who are 8 and 4 who I will need to use childcare for but it's my son that I'm unsure of if he needs it.

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Smoggle Sat 23-Feb-19 13:33:21

I think 6 hours for a 13 year old is fine and normal - no one will consider that neglect.
I doubt you will find any childcare for a teenager anyway.

cheminotte Sat 23-Feb-19 13:33:25

I think 13.5 should be fine.
Can you do some trial runs where you go out for the day at a weekend and leave him to sort out his lunch etc? Childcare stops at 12/13 around here anyway.

PerspicaciaTick Sat 23-Feb-19 13:33:47

At that age most children would be responsible for themselves, and it would be nigh on impossible to find anyone offering childminding for that age group.

LIZS Sat 23-Feb-19 13:33:47

He should be old enough to stay home. There may be homework cafes or other teen orientated activities to help break up the time.

HalfBloodPrincess Sat 23-Feb-19 13:36:08

There’s no childcare for secondary age children in my village so I had to leave mine from 11+. Just make sure he knows what to do in an emergency, and has someone he can call on if he needs help and I think it’s fine. As long as you trust him of course.

Assuming no additional needs, 13 is far too old to be looked after imo

Justgivemesomepeace Sat 23-Feb-19 13:36:39

Once mine went to secondary she was on her own from 7am until she went to school and in the school holidays. Unless ypu have a particular reason to be concerned i cant imagine a 13 yr old needing childcare.

ApolloandDaphne Sat 23-Feb-19 13:37:45

He is definitely old enough to be left on his own while you go to work

choli Sat 23-Feb-19 13:38:26

You feel that he's too young to use the hob at 13 1/2? That's ridiculously infantilizing for a neurotypical teen.

Let him stay at home and develop skills and competencies that are normal for his age.

IncrediblySadToo Sat 23-Feb-19 13:41:27

It’s definitely not neglect.

After school etc is fine, but I wouldn’t leave him home alone for the entire long holidays (half term etc ok). We have three weeks this coming Easter, I’d be booking him into some activities of his choice (if you can afford it) such as a week of football/mixed sport/water activities/forest activities etc.

Or if you’re getting someone to come to your house for the younger ones then he gets semi included in that.

GwenCooper81 Sat 23-Feb-19 13:41:57

A 13 year old won't need childcare!. As long as they know house rules and have access to emergency numbers it will be fine. Maybe even knowing a neighbour is near by if an emergency happens.
My teenager would have been mortified to be left at that age with childcare!

IncrediblySadToo Sat 23-Feb-19 13:44:35

It probably depends a lot on where you live too though. We are in the arse end of nowhere, so 3-7 weeks home alone every day is too much. But totally different if they have local friends, busses etc.

RB68 Sat 23-Feb-19 13:53:44

Fine on his own, a friend over or over to friends, into town, ice skating, footie, cycling, trampolining, climbing wall or swimming or athletics or other sports day. Plus you could take some time off when he is on the longer holidays etc

Dumbledorker Sat 23-Feb-19 14:08:22

I've been subjected to accusations from exMIL before now for leaving him alone so I'm very anxious about wether what I'm doing is right and wrong. I went out (in the car so no drinking while there) for approximately 3 hours one evening to my school reunion. I told him what time I would be home. He had his phone fully charged and wished me luck.
I then posted a photo to Instagram with some friends at the reunion which ex MIL saw and so took it upon herself to message my son to ask why he had been left alone and told him I was put of order, that it was against the law. He rang me upset saying he had recieved these messages. I had to come straight home as I was terrified i had done wrong and I would end up getting reported. Not only that but I had been painted as neglecting my child by her to him directly and hes often thrown this back in my face since when we have had heated arguments. I cant expect him to have any respect for me when he is been told such things about me. I rang social services and asked them if I had done wrong and they assured me I hadn't. This was only 4 months ago.
Now I have this fear of of being constantly scrutinised every time I leave him alone its exhausting. I'm so glad that it's the norm and no one has concerns about it. I need to go back to work desperately but this has always worried me. choli the hob is just something I would prefer him not to use when I'm not in.

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Di11y Sat 23-Feb-19 14:08:30

this is where you need to help him cultivate the friendships he has with other teenagers, hanging around together or offering to have a couple over when you take annual leave and its reciprocated. you'd just need to feed them and leave them alone.

woollyheart Sat 23-Feb-19 14:21:11

Sounds like the main thing you need to help him prepare for the onslaught from MIL.

Of course he is old enough.

When she rings, he can be prepared with some facts.
'No, it isn't against the law'
'No it isn't child abuse'
'I am quite happy on my own for a few hours'
'Why are you trying to upset me and my hardworking mum?'

BrokenWing Sat 23-Feb-19 14:27:11

I've done it with ds(14) occasionally but not regularly.

Generally he wouldn't get out of bed until 10:30 anyway during the holidays, by the time he was up, showered, had breakfast/brunch it was gone 12. Few hours on xbox and I was home.

But he doesnt usually stay in all day, some days during the holidays he's out from lunchtime until night and feeds himself while out. Id be more worried if he was going to be out and about as I would want an adult on hand in case of problems (he came off his bike last year and broke his arm and even though he was only 3 miles away it still took over 20 mins to find him off a back road where they were playing). Can he contact you at work if needed and how far is your work from home if he needed you in an emergency, or are there other adults who can be there for backup?

Dumbledorker Sat 23-Feb-19 14:27:41

He responded with basically that when she messaged. Told her he didnt want to message me because I was having a nice time and I had been very nervous about going. Tole her he felt safe and happy. Told her that I'm trying my best as a mum since exdh left. Hes a lovely boy so it broke my heart to think he had been told such things about me.
It's very very difficult to get him to go out anywhere with his friends. Hes in the small group at school that if I've to describe stereotypically as the geeky trio. By that I mean there is nothing wrong with it but he just doesn't find enjoyment in having a huge amount of friends or going out anywhere. Hes happy with his two main friends but all of them share in common unjust communicating though the ps4 while locked in there bedrooms. I've tried to no avail to have him play outside and get fresh air. Apart from this week when I told him to go to the local swimming baths and surprisingly they all went. So I'm getting somewhere with him.

OP’s posts: |
Dumbledorker Sat 23-Feb-19 14:31:37

broken wing I've looked at the travel distance and it says 18 mins. So probably half an hour to 45 mins tops when peak time or standstill on the motorway. I have friends and neighbours though who will be happy to check in on him or be there If needed. Hes really happy about the prospect of being left alone so I'm glad he feels confident. Il always have my phone on me for him to contact me. I personally cant see an issue leaving him but like I've said I just worry about being reported if I was doing wrong by him

OP’s posts: |

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