Help. I can't find the right balance with work and being a mum

[Sofshiz]

Hi. I’m hoping someone can give me some suggestions to my situation. I feel like I can’t think straight to put together a plan.
I have 2 daughters, a 3 year old who goes to full time pre school Mon-Fri 8am-3pm and a 1 year old who isn’t at nursery. I work full time with 2 days work from home and 3 days in the office. On the days I work from the office, my mum comes in the morning to take care of the 1 year old, she then picks up my older DD and brings them home until I get in around 6pm. Myself or my DH do morning drop offs.

The above just isn’t working out. My mum is getting worn out, my 1 year old isn’t getting out much except for weekends and I feel like the worlds worst mum and daughter with guilt on my mum and my kids.

I have requested to drop Fridays at work but they’re being difficult on letting me keep both my work from home days. If I go down to 4 days a week, I’d have to sacrifice a work from home day and go in office instead which I’d rather not do. So if they don’t accept I’d have to stick to 3 days office and 2 days home.

Can anyone suggest what I could do? Ideal case would be to stay home and raise my kids myself but with a mortgage, school fees and bills we can’t afford that.

(side note, I suffer with postpartum anxiety and probably PND and the above just isn’t helping my state of mind)

[twotired]

Hi.

I went part time after DC1, 3 days a week. Gradually I increased and I felt that more days didn't give me the right work/life balance. I ended up working 4 until I had DC2, and now I have left and am re training in a new career. I had bad anxiety issues after DC2, which are only now subsiding and he is 13m.

If I'm honest I'd be very tempted to drop the Friday and do the other office day, as you would then get the whole day off with your DC to spend some quality time with them. You will feel much less guilt to your DC. You may feel guilt to your employer, but you work to live (not live to work). If you can afford to drop the day, I'd do it.

It's a very tough decision though.

If you do it, don't fall in to the trap of using it for errands. Use it to spend the day with your lovely DC.

Only you know what you should do for the best, but that is just my take on it. Sending best wishes and I hope whatever decision you make that it is the right decision for you

[twotired]

Sorry my message doesn't flow well, I'm doing something else but saw your post and didn't want to read and run x

[Mattresstestermax]

On your work from home days are you looking after the 1 yo? You say they are not at nursery?

I would drop the Friday, go into the office the extra day, get the 1 year old into good quality child care, and if your Mum want to help out get her to collect the children early to ease the guilt about long days in child care

[BrownTurkey]

Start with what your Mum is willing or able to do - get her to honestly say if she can do nothing regular/one day/half day etc. Then think about how you and dh can balance work and parenting - what flexibility can he ask for or offer, what is realistic for you, what are some paid childcare options. Some people do some longer days/compressed hours, some people work more days but shorter hours (only ok if no comute, and tbh it nearly killed me doing that with little ones).

[trilbydoll]

So the two days you work from home you've got the 1yo all day and the older one from 3pm? Surely you're not actually getting any work done?

Get proper childcare that covers your working hours, and your Mum can either do 1 day or a couple of afternoons which will need to be chilled out as dc will be tired from nursery.

If you have a full day off you can have days out etc which will more than make up for the stressful days I'm currently imagining where you're frantically trying to work and entertain a small child.

[Cherrycokewinning]

I think your childcare is the problem here- can they both go full time nursery or a child minder? Your work arrangements themselves seem to work ok don’t they?

[Sofshiz]

Thank you all for your lovely comments and suggestions. I sometimes look after dd2 on my working home days and other times my mums comes to help. So she sometimes does 5 days with us which I know is crazy to ask.

I think the main issue is my PND not allowing me to think straight. I feel like I have a bin bag over my head and I can't see clearly.

I think you are right and I should take the Friday off regardless. All I want to do is spend the day with my younger daughter to take her swimming or classes or soft play. I have my dd1 so much that I'm not giving the second and it's the guilt more than anything that gets me.

DH and I need to sit and decide what to do, all I know is the current routine is pants.

Thank you again.

[pinkhorse]

Can you do compressed hours so work long days mon to thurs then have Friday off? You'd be doing the same number of hours but over less days.

[Bluedoglead]

I have never heard of bring allowed to wfh and mind a baby?

[Cherrycokewinning]

Well it’s probably not allowed. But it happens

[Mattresstestermax]

I work 4 days and it’s great.

Is a child minder an option? They could have the smallest all day, and collect the older from preschool a few days a week to give more flexibility. Then your mum could do a few afternoons and emergency cover (which you will need!)

[Mattresstestermax]

Throw your guit away! You are doing your best and have nothing to be guilty about.

In your OP you say you’d rather be home raising your children, I bet you would not say to another working Mum that she isn’t raising her children so don’t apply it to yourself!

[Maryann1975]

Another one saying sort childcare out. If your mum is willing to pick up from an early nursery finish (3pm), get her to do that 2 or 3 days (or as many as she wants too. Long nursery days for the days your mum can’t do. And if you can go down to four days, do that. I generally only do 4 days now and the difference is massive to the way I feel to everything - family, work, volunteer work I do, social life, everything.

[marywasneeavirgin]

Be a mum and stay at home or work half the week only and scrap school fees and adjust your lifestyle accordingly.

[OlennasWimple]

A few questions:

• is your 1yo only just 1, or will she soon be 2yo? Can you afford nursery now, or very soon?
  

• is your plan to wfh and also look after your DD a short-term plan, or do you intend to keep doing it?
  

• what is realistic for your mum to do? Would a few hours after nursery pick up at eg 4pm on two days be better than one really really long day?

[Peach1886]

Any chance DH could do 5 days' hours over 4 days and you go down to 4 days (3 in office if that's all you can get)? That way the kids get a weekday with each of you, your mum gets two days off and you both get to spend more time with the sprogs whilst they are little. It ain't easy being a working mum, esp full time

[Cherrycokewinning]

Well since mumsnet have deleted my swearing but not the offensive comment by Mary about being a proper mum I will rephrase-


Mary stop being so rude and narrow minded please.

[marywasneeavirgin]

Cherry coke where have I said anything about being a proper mum?

[marywasneeavirgin]

Would you prefer me to say be a sahm instead of be a mum and stay at home? I meant the same thing.

Proud to say I've never been rude enough to have a thread deleted! On you go coke with cherries on 😉😉😉😉

[Cherrycokewinning]

“Be a mum and stay at home”

What else could you mean?

[marywasneeavirgin]

Op says Ideal case would be to stay home and raise my kids myself ......be a mum and stay at home....what are you failing to understand coke?

[Sofshiz]

Mary I think your comment could sound like mums who go to work aren't being a mum. I still "being a mum" whether I work full time, part time or don't work at all. It's just the impact it has on my physical and mental state and everyone involved.

[Shadow666]

I think it’s not as hard working from home when they are still babies but it’s really tough once they hit the toddler stage and are constantly talking and coming to find you. I think you need to find proper full time childcare for her.

[FusionChefGeoff]

Sack off the school fees and drop your hours.

School fees are a choice and at your kids ages it's one you can change easily.