I feel held back by my husband

(10 Posts)
kez222 Sat 23-Dec-17 21:53:45

Hi all
My husband is very supportive of me in every other way and is a good bit stressed father to our three children. He works shift work and his hours are all over the place. That mixed with the fact we have three small children one of whom is disabled makes it impossible for me to find a job where the hours are the same each week.
Ever since I was a little girl I've wanted to foster. We have a spare bedroom and room in the car for a foster child plus my heart is literally bursting for it to happen as I want to help other children feel loved and give them a stable environment. But the trouble is the husband is dead against it. He thinks it's putting our own children at risk and thinks so badly in general of foster children. I just know we could make a difference to a child's life but he's not prepared to even give it a chance. Am I being unreasonable asking him to consider it? He's not here for most the time and emotionally I cope very well with our three children (4,6,7) so I know I would be able to cope. Just feel so sad that I supported him to achieve all his career dreams and he won't consider mine. Any opinions welcome as I'm not sure if I'm being irrational! Thank you x

OP’s posts: |
MaybeDoctor Sat 23-Dec-17 22:04:01

I am hugely in awe of anyone who fosters or adopts. But it does sound as if you already have your hands full, especially as one of your children is disabled. Remember too that the needs of your children and family may change as they get older.

I don’t think you are wrong to want to do it, but I don’t think he is wrong to disagree either.

Have you considered becoming an Independent Visitor for a Looked After Child? Or possibly a respite carer?

Hundredacrewoods Sat 23-Dec-17 22:06:07

Unless you'd be happy for your husband to pursue and push for something you're 'dead against', YABU.

DrMadelineMaxwell Sat 23-Dec-17 22:08:34

I have a friend with 3 children of her own who was registered to foster. Her heart was in the right place and she was guilty of taking on too much, on top of an already full life/household. Her own kids suffered from lack of attention and from having to make changes to suit the needs of those they were fostering at the time.
In the end she scaled back her fostering to a more manageable level.

Tigger001 Sat 23-Dec-17 22:17:22

I think maybedoctor makes a nice suggestion of a respite career. Maybe if you did the to start with and see how you felt and see if your hubby changed his mind after seeing you successfully manage and help children. My mums friend gave respite care to 2 Down's syndrome girls for years and years and all became like family, she found it incredibly rewarding and the kids adore her, and their parents got a little break. I

letsdolunch321 Sat 23-Dec-17 22:21:43

Maybe put it on hold for a couple of years.

kez222 Sat 23-Dec-17 22:50:19

Thanks so much for all your opinions. I have been guilty of taking on too much in the past but it just feels like a dream I'll never achieve. I suppose it just felt unfair that he's doing a job I really didn't want him to do but I supported him as it was his dream whereas mine is just a simple no. But I do understand that my dream would effect my other children and I need to consider that as they come first 100%. My husband's job doesn't directly effect the children other than them not seeing him a lot and when he's here with them he's usually sleeping or grumpy lol. I guess he doesn't want any more stress added to his life. I like the sound of the respite I will definitely look in to that. Thanks for all your opinions x

OP’s posts: |
2017RedBlue Mon 25-Dec-17 20:14:12

Also tap into the feeling of what is that foster caring would give you. What feeling is that? The feeling of hope and fufillment knowing you changed someone's life in some way maybe? You want to give a child or someone a feeling of hope that their lives can be better with your input. You could try thinking on how you could create that feeling of hope and change in other people - maybe not through fostering, but through another career where you aren't opening up your whole house to someone - but instead doing it more on a clear schedule.

I can see why your DH doesn't want extra stress. He's right to consider that. However you do also have a need to feel fulfilled in your own career. Perhaps there's a gentler way of finding that fulfillment than fostering. You can always wait as well until your children are older and revisit fostering at a later date. Foster carers will always be needed.

notacooldad Mon 25-Dec-17 20:37:07

We always thought that we would foster.
However I have seen it from the otherwise of the coin where I work with fostered children and their foster parents.
It is a hugely demanding role. There is an awful lot of meetings and training and running around involved.
Over the last few years the amount of training and events that FC are expected to go to has increased (safeguarding,CSE training etc)
Very often the child or young person will display some behaviour issues due to being away from their family.This can be displayed in many ways such as anger, violent out bursts, self harm, missing from home, CSE, poor attendance at school or low achievement.
This will have an impact on your own family.
In the last month alone 4 long term placements that I work closely with have broken down. The primary foster career has felt guilty but unable to continue and the child has left feeling abandoned once again.
I need to stress that there are of course some positive outcomes for foster placements but a lot can go very wrong and to the detriment of your own family.
One thing I have seen time and time again is that SW don't always tell the whole story until once the placement has been made. The behavioural issues are often underplayed and the foster placements re often shocked to find their house has been trashed in temper.
Please think very carefully if you decide to proceed.

glitterbiscuits Mon 25-Dec-17 20:51:43

We fostered for a short time. The children were lovely. The social workers were almost all a nightmare. I assumed the bad press they got was media hype but no, it was mostly true. They were massively over stretched and. Dry stressed.
We jumped through all the hoops, courses, interviews, financial disclosure, interviews for our family and friends.
But the social workers ruined the whole experience. Never again.

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