Being a stay at home Mum?

(309 Posts)
yummymummy1988 Fri 17-Nov-17 17:06:19

I'm now a stay at home mum to my 10mo DS, my DH was supportive of my decision not to go back to work. Most days go by fairly quickly, although to be honest we don't do much in the way of going to groups or anything.
Two questions really, do you think I am holding him back by it being the 2 of us at home the majority of the time?
And did you feel like less of a person when you decided to become a SAHM? I have friends and hear of women with babies similar ages who are working FT or running businesses and manage.. I'm home all day and my DH is lucky if he comes home to the bed made and tea in the oven! Just feeling a bit useless really.

OP’s posts: |
LipstickHandbagCoffee Fri 17-Nov-17 19:49:18

I’m not your target audience,returned to work FT each pg.
I don’t think women should give up work and be dependent on dp and have no career
Babies flourish in nursery and it’ll allow you to maintain work skills and or cv
It’s all v well initially but time will pass you’ll have no recent work exp
But folk will rock up,they’ll tell you about how time flies,and babies need mum
And how research proves nursery is harmful to babies & children causing brain atrophy and emotional blunting

So your dh his career continue to flourish and you’re not working?does that feel equitable?

cantlivewithoutcoffee Fri 17-Nov-17 20:11:22

I’m not exactly in your situation - my daughter is 13 months and I’ve just started working again but only doing 1-2 days a week, which I will step upto 3-4 when I feel ready. I’ve been off until a couple of weeks ago and I have no intention to go back to full time work in the foreseeable future.

Unlike pp, I don’t believe there is a right or wrong for anyone - if you are financially stable on one income, it’s a case of what works best for you and your family. Nurseries will certainly not harm your child and they develop and learn so much but I personally can’t stand the thought of mine being in nursery full time and not seeing me for so long. No disrespect for those who do though, all children are different and need different levels of stimulation.

In terms of my days with her, we go to one paid for class and the other days we go children’s centre, park, swimming, have play dates etc. I aim to have no more than one day when we stay in the house all day. Going out (even the free things) stimulate her and she eats and sleeps better as a result. She is in a routine (for now!) so I use naps to sort house, make meals etc. To financially support me being at home more than half the week, my husband needs to be more available to his employers (as is the case with many senior roles) so I have to pick up the extra at Home which I am happy to do.

Like you, I see others that manage full time work or running businesses and I’m sure I would do to if I absolutely had to but I don’t want to and we are extremely lucky to have the luxury of that choice. I absolutely love doing activities with my daughter and don’t find them mundane or boring. I don’t mind being known as her Mum most of the week rather than as myself and look forward to the things I will be able to do as she grows.

Lillybilly20 Fri 17-Nov-17 20:15:07

I think if you want and can stay at home then thats up to you but you need something else apart from being around a baby all the time or you'll be bored stiff...

Chosenbyyou Fri 17-Nov-17 20:30:28


I tend to agree with lipstick.

I think we should push for things to be equal as much as possible. I earn very similar to DH. We both want to progress careers - no one has asked him if he will be working PT or being a stay at home parent lol.

We use the nursery three days - I compress hours and am off one day and DHs shifts (doctor) tend to give him a day off during the week.

I think that is a good mix and don't view being a stay at home parent as a luxury. Just because you could survive on one wage doesn't mean you should in my opinion. There is a lot more to working that pay and there is a lot more to childcare than just the cost.


LipstickHandbagCoffee Fri 17-Nov-17 20:40:01

That’s a coparenting model that works,you both retain career and share childcare
My Observation is,it’s usually always the women who give work up and step down
And the man progresses unhindered in career,not having to factor in childcare or coparenting

cantlivewithoutcoffee Fri 17-Nov-17 20:41:38

But what if a woman wants to spend more time at home? That is the case with me - I am happy to do the minimum that keeps my career while children are young and will then step up when I feel ready. I could go back full time and pay for childcare but I don't want to. Same applies for any more hours than 3 days a week - and we are extremely fortunate that we can afford for me to work as much/little as I would like.

I wholeheartedly agree that the woman shouldn't be at home by default though - if she wants to progress her career though and find many go for the same option as chosen in this case.

LipstickHandbagCoffee Fri 17-Nov-17 20:44:34

And do you think choice happens in isolation. Free from social,cultural,peer pressures
Why is it women who chose to step down?less so men
We aren’t biologically disposed to giving up career it’s a social cultural imperative

Christinayangstwistedsista Fri 17-Nov-17 20:44:47

It depends on what is important to you. I gave up work for a few years and then eventually went back part time and I don't regret it for a minute. Due to health issues I was only able to have the one and I wanted to enjoy that time with him

Do what is right for you

SolemnlyFarts Fri 17-Nov-17 20:49:23

First of all, your baby is ten months - just talking to you is developing and stimulating for them!

Secondly, now is the time to think about the long term. Do you want to work again in five years, or ten years? What can you do now to make it possible to go back to work then? There is a lot of women on Mumsnet who will tell you that it can be very hard to find a job after years without working, especially if you by default have taken on responsibility for childcare.

Have a read of the thread on facilicated men

Do you mind if you end up a facilitator with no career when you're forty or fifty? Is your husband 100% aboard with sharing finances with equal access to finances? Does he do his 50% at weekends?

underneaththeash Fri 17-Nov-17 20:51:13

From your DSs point of view, at 10mo he'd much rather be at home with you rather than go to nursery and if you would rather stay at home than go back to work, then that's great.

I would recommend that you do some group though, you'll meet like-minded women and on those days when you'll be bored and pulling your hair out they'll be your lifeline.

LipstickHandbagCoffee Fri 17-Nov-17 20:53:52

And you applied rigorous research methodology to establish a 10mth preference
No? You made it up to prove a point
A Baby can be happy at nursery and with mum.

cantlivewithoutcoffee Fri 17-Nov-17 20:55:21

I take the simple view that I want to be at home more so I am. There was no expectation from anyone for me to stay at home or drop my hours but I chose to as I love doing the childcare bits that many others find mundane.

By working a couple of days a week, I am keeping my hand in the career that I spent so many years training for so that I can step back up when I’m ready. I am also extremely fortunate that there is a lot of temp work in my career so I can step up my hours for short term projects then back down to 1-2 days if I wish. I agree that going back after a long break would otherwise be difficult.

yummymummy1988 Fri 17-Nov-17 20:55:40

Thank you everyone for your opinions, they have definitely given me things to think about. The reason that I gave up work and DH didn't was because he earns almost double than what I did, there is room for progression in his career where as without going back to uni full time there was non in mine - I was on £8.20 p/h with nearly 10 years experience and being fully qualified. I'm almost ashamed to admit when I found out I was pregnant I thought great.. I can get out of this job! blush
I think the idea of making sure we don't stay in all the time is a a good idea - although now its getting to winter I think I've chosen the wrong time of year to get out and about! I think I might start adding a daily walk into our routine and then maybe swimming and a free class. I just find before I know it most days its 12pm and then getting out of the house and all packed takes ages lol! Its me needing to be more organised I think.

OP’s posts: |
BelleandBeast Fri 17-Nov-17 20:55:57

I would suggest you don't stay at home forever or you will be out of the job market so long you won't be able to get back in, or you will but it will be low paid low status and your career will be fucked.

Being at home all the time makes you the default parent and your DP will develop learned helplessness. The more he has to do his share of housework and parenting, less chance this will happen.

And yes, I see 2 SAHM at school and their kids are in school and frankly, wonder what they do all day.

I was a SAHM for a few years so I know how it is.

LipstickHandbagCoffee Fri 17-Nov-17 21:00:25

Him earning more doesn’t mean your the default stay home parent,you get that?
Ok so you had a job you didn’t like,so chose something else to do eg online studying,think about volunteering
If you continue as Sahp your dh will continue career unimpeded and he’ll get used to never accommodating you cause he’s never had to

Christinayangstwistedsista Fri 17-Nov-17 21:01:09

I used to get up, organised and out of the house for a couple of hours and then hone, lunch and nap. Sometimes I would nap, or take some time for me or I would do chores

yummymummy1988 Fri 17-Nov-17 21:01:42

My career was already low paid, sadly its a notoriously low paid career - people literally get more who work in supermarkets.
DH says I 'clock off' at 6pm when he gets home and I make him take over lol! Even I wonder why I'm so tired by the evening when I haven't even left the house!

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Lovelylovelyladies Fri 17-Nov-17 21:02:33

I can hand on heart say I don't give a monkeys about having a 'career'. I never have done. I worked to pay my way and when I got to 7 months pregnant I stopped working. That was 5 years ago. I now have 3 children who I love spending time with and get much more enjoyment out of life now then I ever have. I don't feel like I am being controlled, I don't feel oppressed, I am not bored, I don't worry about getting 'back on the career ladder'
I have a degree, a social life, hobbies, and plenty of time to feel inspired and challenged. I also get to spend a lot my time with my children.

It's a win win for me.

I just wholeheartedly enjoy being at home.

I have friends who work FT, PT, SAHM's, SAHD's.... What we all have in common is we are all happy and all love our children. That's all that matters.

If you're happy at home then bask in the glory of it all. If you feel you would like to work bask in the glory of that.

Whatever you do in life make sure your happy. You only get one. It's YOUR life. YOUR choice.

Good Luck with it all!smile

LipstickHandbagCoffee Fri 17-Nov-17 21:03:14

Op will your dh pay childcare so you can return to uni ft to finish your course?
Frankly it’s the least he can do,allocate finances and childcare to allow you return to uni

Tipsytopsyturvy Fri 17-Nov-17 21:03:43

I work up to 30 hours condensed 3-4 days. I would hate for ds to be in a nursery full time Monday -Friday. The thought of him spending more time with strangers I just can’t get my head around. I do understand it’s different strokes for different folks but I’d be a sahm in a heartbeat if I could, although admit there are advantages to working part time keeping my career going.
Could you get a job one day a week as something for you to keep cv going? For you?
Also my understanding of the research around nursery’s is that any advantage some children have who went to nursery levels out in infant school. as well as there being some evidence nursery can be harmful particularly if there is a high staff turnover/staff aren’t highly skilled (which some nursery’s seem to have very young low paid staff). I imagine that there are some fab nursery’s also but then to balance this there is lots of good evidence that children who have a full time sahp are secure and flourish so don’t worry about your dc smile
If you want a job do it for you. If you don’t then enjoy your time at home. You can pick your career back up. What was it you did before?

LipstickHandbagCoffee Fri 17-Nov-17 21:05:38

Nursery isn’t strangers,it’s familiar adults and children.not random strangers daily
The child forms an attachment to the other kids and adults.who aren’t strangers

yummymummy1988 Fri 17-Nov-17 21:06:03

Christina that sounds like a good routine, maybe its partly laziness on my part as we will get up around 8-9am and then laze around and by the time I've done bottle/breakfast/getting dressed etc it can be 10-11am before I even jump in the shower.
I have thought about doing an online course or even college but I don't know what I want to do. I'm already qualified in beauty therapy and dental nursing and I just don't know what to do next.
I'm not a very ambitious person or overly confident/have much faith in my abilities.

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Chosenbyyou Fri 17-Nov-17 21:08:20

I am not being rude but if I earnt a low hourly rate (as I once did) I would put a plan in place to maximise my income.

There is no reason why you can't learn/requalify whilst working and seek to put yourself on an equal footing with your partner.

I hope this doesn't come across rude but I read on here loads about people stopping work due to low pay - well there is only one person who will do something about that!

LipstickHandbagCoffee Fri 17-Nov-17 21:08:47

So sit down write out where you want to be 6mths, 1 and you’ll get there
It’s not unreasonable to do something for yourself other than be mum
I’m not being gloomy every woman needs a contingency plan,some emergency money put away. Just in case...

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