Going back to midwifery after emergency csection

[tiredviolet]

Just as the title says really, I'm absolutely terrified to go back and finish my midwifery training after having a emergency c-section to bring DS into the world.
Absolutely no confidence, self esteem is at an all time low and the thought of going back is haunting me! Help!

[Pteranodon]

Can you have a debrief with a specialist midwife? If you can come to terms with your personal story it will make your professional life easier, and may even become an advantage - many women go through this. How long until you go back?

[tiredviolet]

Yeah that has been suggested by we are living 5 hours away from where DS was born so not possible to pop back for a debrief. I'm going back in January, Everything is arranged for me to go back, house, childcare, funding, placement ect. Feel as if I will let a lot of people down if I say it's just too much!

[hawaii6oh]

How long ago was ds born?

[tiredviolet]

In April but I've been on maternity leave since February (silly student insurance reasons)

[Underchipsandpeas]

You poor thing! Aren't midwives allowed obstetric emergencies?

[BlurtonOnKites4eva]

How far into the course were you?

What about the EMCS had made you feel so bad?

[hawaii6oh]

So ds is still young, I had an Ema's and felt terrible about it for a long time. Ds is now 1 and I feel so much better about it. It does get better and I think it's valuable that you will be able to then empathise with your patients.

Would it help to talk it through with someone?

[Underchipsandpeas]

Is it because you have to help women believe their bodies can deliver vaginally safely and then you experienced something different? I really feel for you but surely midwifery is wider than that! I've had 2 elective sections and I truly think a lot of birth angst is based on how you frame the experience. X

[hawaii6oh]

Emcs stupid autocorrect

[tiredviolet]

Your all going to sigh when I say I only have 11 weeks left to qualify! But those 3 months seem too much!

[tiredviolet]

Yes I totally agree that birth is seen as this empowering fantastic experience and when it doesn't happen you beat yourself up for failing! (Well I have) and I have and am trying to turn it into a positive experience but I can't shake the reoccurring memories!

[Pteranodon]

You could have a debrief with a local midwife, or see a therapist to talk it through?

[Underchipsandpeas]

But did you previously feel that CS was a "failure"?

[Underchipsandpeas]

Or do you think there was something you could have done differently to get you the birth you'd hoped for?

[tiredviolet]

Not ever! Completely understand and respect the emergency surgery available to us, just never thought that I would be in that situation. Completely low risk pregnancy, hypnobirth prepped, water if possible. Nothing of the sort happened. I still hear and see the scene when falling to sleep, and I can't stand the thought of that reoccurring voice being mine to some other lady and her family! (If that makes any sense written down?)

[MummaGiles]

OP it sounds like you're suffering from ptsd or something similar. I think you need to talk to your GP or health visitor about it and seek counselling to get past the trauma.

[Underchipsandpeas]

I agree. Please do ask for help. X

[Matchingbluesocks]

Tired violet another crash section here and everything you say resonates. I had a de brief- didn't help massively BUt what I will say is thoSe voices before I went under where the thing that reassured me and told me I would be looked after. Without those voices my baby might've died. Crash sections are part of the job. They're life saving.

I wonder if you could force yourself to go. Give yourself a week. If you can't do it, leave. What's a week?

[bookgirl1982]

I think if you feel you can go back that you will be a better midwife for the experience. I wish that the midwives at my DS's birth had been more sympathetic about my fears of the downward spiral we were caught in. They brushed off my concerns and it went as I feared it would.

[hopsalong]

I think that your experience will make you potentially a much better and more empathetic midwife! I am gearing up for a VBAC with my second, but had a moderately traumatic c-section with my first, for unavoidable medical reasons. Sick of the patronising attitude of disappointment that was obvious both at the birth centre where I was trying to give birth (as I was transferred out), and at my first antenatal appointment this time when I provided details to my new midwife. Of course a lovely unmedicated vaginal birth would have been better than a section, massive baby, and huge hemorrhage, but I got through it, as you did, and I would like to have a midwife who would understand my anxiety/ worry about it going wrong again this time round. So with the right mindset, I think your personal experience can be a big positive.

[QuinnPerkins]

As someone who has just been at NHS birth classes with a 47 year old midwife who has never had a baby telling us that labour "isn't painful, just intense", that we "shouldn't need pain relief", and there is "no need to yell or scream in pain, you can do it silently", I would really value having someone like you be there to say that sometimes, even when you know exactly what you're doing (as you did), and exactly how it's meant to go, that sometimes babies have ideas of their own and things don't go to plan, and that the midwives and medical staff will do whatever needs to be done to get the baby here safely.

I think a debrief is a must, and maybe some counselling, and then I truly believe that your experience will make you an even better midwife

[whitehandledkitchenknife]

The trauma aspect will fade in time tiredviolet and I agree that perhaps you might benefit from some external help. You have an, albeit unwanted, unique insight to birth, which, in my experience (semi-elective epidural CS - not fully anaesthetised!!!!) wasn't covered in antenatal classes.
Your experience can be used to positive effect. Don't give up now.

[tiredviolet]

Thank you all so much! Your words have actually made me teary! I will speak to my GP in the morning and see if there is anyway I can see someone closer to home! Really nice to know others have felt the same, and I hope I can be a support and reassurance.
Thank you all! (Thank god for Mumsnet ey!)

[PoloZolo]

How about speaking to a mentor or someone who leads your course and asking for a meeting to discuss how you feel? They may give you another perspective you hadn't considered before, or be able to let you go back more gradually or suggest going in for an hour or so with someone to support you?
I agree your experience would be so valuable and you'd have such empathy for the women you'd be caring for. I think society sells us an image of how childbirth should be which makes people feel failures when it doesn't go like that. If childbirth was so easy and natural humans wouldn't need midwives in the first place would they?
Your work/placement may be able to provide councilling sessions with someone independent for you which could help regardless of if you go back or not. I think you owe it to yourself to at least explore some options and reach out for support, then if you try all that and still can't go back then at least you know you did what you could.

[SolomanDaisy]

My first baby was an amazing, all natural, quick and easy home birth. My second, a few weeks ago, was a life threatening emergency section under general anaesthetic. I have the same thing of remembering the voices of the midwives (& Drs) from the birth and I can honestly say I feel equally positive towards the women who helped me in both situations. The first ones made delivering a baby a wonderful experience, but the second ones saved our lives. Both are amazing things for anyone to do. You'll be great!