This is ridiculous because I'm about to start a year's maternity leave with dc2 but I'm so conflicted about my return to work already.
I've been back at work for 18 months and have mostly done 4 days per week working from home with the odd day in London depending on what's required. I also have flexibility in my working hours so realise I've been very very lucky in this regard.
However I've found it really hard, mainly struggling with the headspace it all requires to juggle everything and give 100% at home and at work. In fact I know I haven't given either 100% so generally always feel like I'm just scraping by professionally and parentally (if that's even a word!), rather than being fully engaged and focused.
I've been to a couple of work things in London recently and it's really hit home how I'm not succeeding as much as I could if I was London-based. Combine this with stories of other mid-30s women doing exceptionally well, and knowing I'm underpaid is making me feel like I could/should be pushing my career harder.
Then I got home at 6:50pm. DD (2.5yo) was getting ready for bed and I think I temporarily, where I was in work mode, forgot how wonderful she is. She was chattering away and it made me realise how much of her I'd missed over the last 18 months because I've been working. This morning she was women up, dressed whilst still half asleep and whisked off to nanny's house for the day. So I saw her for about 30 mins in total all day.
I could accelerate my career, and part of me would love to, but it would mean spending more time in London and with a 1.5hr commute each way the trade-off is that I wouldn't see my children. Moving closer isn't an option.
I could opt to not return to work but we'd struggle financially, it would damage my career even further by being out of the loop, and I think I would crave more intellectual stimulation.
So it feels like it's lose-lose all round. Finding a part time job (in my head 3 days pw would be ideal) in my field is nigh on impossible, getting the flexibility I've got now would be rare, so really I'm fairly stuck in my current job... Yet I'm underpaid, and missing out on pushing things forward because I'm not London-based. I could spend more time in the office, but then I don't see the children.
I'm sure I'm not the first working mum to feel like this, but it's fucking hard to constantly feel like choosing between work and home in terms if where I direct my focus/headspace/priority. I can't wait for maternity leave to start but sm dreading when it finishes as surely I'll feel that emotional pull to home even more with 2 babies.
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Not sure I'm up to being a working mum - head vs heart
32 replies
matwork · 23/06/2014 21:06
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