Want to work but paralysed by fear

[MrsMarigold]

I last worked just under three years ago, I'm tearing my hair out at home and cannot bear the lack of financial independence I'm currently experiencing and the tedium of being at home. I have two lovely children and don't plan to have anymore but I just don't know what to do work wise, I also have literally no-one to help me look after them. So getting started would be tough. My evenings aren't really free either as after the DC go to bed I have lots of chores and can only ever sit down at about 10pm. Our house is big and overwhelming.

My DH works very long hours and is rarely around - he works six days a week and although self-employed has no flexibility. He earns loads more than I ever will but I feel everything is his rather than ours (his money, his house, his furniture etc). It's soul-destroying. I used to work in communications but if I have to work with powerpoint or excel I might just hurl myself off the nearest building.

What do you think I should do?

[givemeaclue]

What age are the children?

[PMTIsMe]

Do you want something career-y, or just something? You sound bored and lonely so anything sociable could be good? How about a part time job in a cafe/shop etc, in fact anything people facing might be good?

[MrsMarigold]

18 months and 2.9 - so it's been an intense few years

[MrsMarigold]

I want a career - I don't want to do just a job also I'm terrified DH will drop dead or leave and I will not be able to support the children. This is a very real concern as he often works 20 hour days.

[CMOTDibbler]

I think before you think about a job, you might want to think about carving out some life for you - you sound so anxious and trapped atm.

Maybe a cleaner/ mothers help type person to help you round the house, and a couple of mornings in nursery for the children so you can do something for yourself - go to the gym, volunteer, just sit with a coffee and a book. Then once you've settled into that, and life doesn't seem so overwhelming, think about what you'd like to do.

I'm also assuming here that you've talked to your dh about the effect that his overwork is having on you?

[PMTIsMe]

Are you open to re-training? Would you be able to finance studying?

[MrsMarigold]

Well another issue is that my DH is obsessed with his job he doesn't seem to care about the impact on me - I've had PND and don't have much confidence. Also even though DH earns a decent amount he is quite tight with money. He also says he is "splendid, splendid, splendid" and then calls me "foolishness Marigold", although it's all in a very jocular tone but it's wearing me down and although I used to quite sociable I just don't hae the energy. Oh dear crying as a I type.

[PMTIsMe]

Have you been straight with him? Does he realise how down you are? Would he support you if you wanted to do something a bit different?

[MrsMarigold]

At the moment I'm completely dependent on him financially at the moment so to outsiders it would look like I'm well very well off - children will go to private schools, I live in a large house in a lovely area, eat out at the weekend (he pays), but I panic about how I'm going to budget to put food on the table for a month and clothe the children with the money he gives me. At the weekend he spent £125 on toys for the children so it seems very contradictory - money is a major flashpoint - he just won't give me more and if I need more I have to grovel so much I'd rather sell my jewellery than ask him that's why I need my own money and a good job.

[MrsMarigold]

He says he supports me but I just don't feel like he does... my DM has raised concerns, although they live abroad and she and DH don't really get it.

[Beastofburden]

I think that what might suit you best is a period of improving your skills. Firstly, because when you do go back to work, you will earn more. Secondly because the atmosphere at a FE college or local Uni sounds to be much more what you need right now- supportive, focussed on potential and improvements, not holding you to account for every last thing right away.

So, can I suggest you go to see a career counsellor to explore what might be a really good post- babies career for you. Then work out a three to five year plan to get there once the children are in school. While they are little you can enjoy the retraining, and the fact that you have the finances to allow it. Get some good quality childcare in for while you are learning, and tell DH that it is an investment in upskilling, rather than just protecting your mental health in getting you out of the house.

[CMOTDibbler]

I think in that case, you need to write down all the things you aren't happy with, and sit him down when neither of you is in a rush and you won't be disturbed and really talk about things.

I'm sure your dh has his good points, but someone who is never there for his wife and children, is tight with money, and uses demeaning words in a jocular tone sounds like a knob.

[Beamur]

Oh dear. I think you & your husband have got some bigger underlying problems here, but agree, that getting a job and building your confidence back would be a great idea.
Once your older child is 3 you'll be able to access some free childcare - have you looked into what is available near you? If it was at a nursery that also took younger children perhaps they could go at the same time, but you'd only be paying one set of fees and would only have one 'school run' to consider. Knowing what childcare you might be able to access could help narrow down what job options you have.

[CMOTDibbler]

Oh, just seen your last posts. You know this is financial abuse? With holding money from you when there's plenty and making you beg for it?

[louloutheshamed]

Op you are being financially abused.

[MrsMarigold]

He always has ways of justifying it - a large tax bill, the house needs work etc.

He also keeps a tally of everything, recently I got a quite large rebate for something but I spent it on clothes for the children and myself - it was essential and a tumble drier.

[MrsMarigold]

He always has ways of justifying it - a large tax bill, the house needs work etc.

He also keeps a tally of everything, recently I got a quite large rebate for something but I spent it on clothes for the children and myself - it was essential and a tumble drier.

[MrsMarigold]

I can see this but I can't work out how to sort it out - the only way is to get my independence back by working.

[MrsMarigold]

and I'm not even on any utility bills!

[CMOTDibbler]

What would he do if you asked for a larger, regular sum and your own account?

[Ticketybootoo]

Mrs Marigold - I really empathise with you as I gave up a more lucrative career which involved travel when I had children and was terrified of being financially dependent on anyone else. I didn't work for 3 years too and then had baby 2 and felt like I had lost any hope of getting another job. I have though now found something which fits in with children at school , worthwhile financially and I enjoy although I am not earning what I used to.
I think you do need to focus on what you would like to do and the opportunity may spring out of somewhere you didn't expect . I went from the city to finding a management role in a local large hospital and I love what I do now. Identify what transferable skills you have as I am sure they are there and look at what shorter courses there maybe that would help boost confidence and fit around your children.

Last but not least definitely talk to your husband how you feel about the money situation is you can and don't think that you are the only person who has felt the way you do. If you held a job down before I am sure you can do it again :)

[MrsMarigold]

He puts money in the joint account which is essentially my account, he doesn't use it ever. He said he might come off it because the balance is so low it is likely to have a negative impact on his credit rating. I also have another account which my pay used to go into but it only has about £28 in it. I've tried to reduce my outgoings.

He says a larger sum is not possible but usually puts away quite a lot or puts it into the mortgage. He owns the house and he will be mortgage free in a few years. He says this year has been bad for his practice so he is unsure about future earnings but still has aged debt and a significant tax bill in June. I understand that but the money he gives me is less than 5% 0f his annual earning before tax.

[PMTIsMe]

I couldn't live like that. Are you happy in the relationship? You sound very disempowered. Agree that a job would help you and your confidence, but it won't make your DH invest more in you and the children (invest in all senses.) He sounds beyond stingy quite frankly.

[givemeaclue]

You don't jointly own the house?? Do you have a pension?? Agree with the others, the issue here is the financial situation and your husbands attitude. I hope you get some advice on here. Good luck x

[MrsMarigold]

Not really. But I need to be able to support myself and the DC so I can provide an alternative. Thanks for your responses. I worry as the children adore him and I always wanted them to have two parents but I'm not sure I can hack it.