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Returning to work or not? (Long sorry)

(38 Posts)
ZogandMog Tue 27-Nov-12 09:43:31

Hi mumsnetters

I am in a bit of a dilemma and need some words of wisdom before I make a decision. Have name changed for this and will not be going into much detail to avoid being recognised.

I am currently on maternity leave and due to go back in 3 months. I do not know what decision to make regarding returning to work or quitting job and finding a new one. (well I do know the decision I want to make but I am under a lot of pressure to decide the other option).

Pro's of returning to work

-Will provide financial security (although high risk of redundancy)
-My OH wants me to go back
-I'm scared of not finding work and us struggling etc

Cons of returning to work

-I hate my job
-I hate my work place (bullying of most staff memebers; underhand tactics)
-I have worked in this job for 5 years and feel like it has a negative impact on my life
-This job makes me physically unwell (with the stress) and has had a negative impact on my mental health (When the stress becomes too much at work, I have bouts of depression)
-I commute a long way to/from work on public transport (2 hrs each way)
-I travel on public transport for hours each day as part of my job
-I am physically unwell (recovering from surgery and worried that returning to work place would cause me to have another bout of depression (I am coming to terms with a traumatic birth where my baby and I nearly died)
-I have stopped sleeping properly (finding it hard to get off to sleep/waking lots throughout the night since thinking about going back to work)
- I have a constant feeling of dread in my belly (like a knot) since thinking about going back to work
-Despite promises around help with housework when I go back this will not happen (I do mostly everything whether working fulltime/part time or sahm)

I work with vulnerable people so I have to be on the ball and provide a high standard of care. The decisions which I make can be extremely tough and I am dealing with people's problems on a daily basis. The job is emotionally demanding and can be heart breaking. I feel that now would be a good time to hand in my notice as they have a replacement for me and I feel trapped in the job (I do not want this to have an impact on the people I work with). If I go back then my OH says I will have to stay a year and I dont think I will be able to. Obviously financial security is a big factor (I have 3 young children).

What would you do? TIA

ZogandMog Wed 28-Nov-12 11:37:51

Also Xenia I used to earn way more than my OH when working full time but was unable to sustain working those many hours with all the pressures which I was under (including an OH who did nothing around the house at all/no childcare). He suggested he would become a SAHD but he was unable to as he was not willing to do the housework or childcare so there would have been even more pressure on me than usual. Lets just face it. Im in a tough position but Im gonna suck it up and get on with things. Thanks for all replies

Xenia Wed 28-Nov-12 13:02:23

Why did you marry a sexist man? Why tolerate even for a day a man who doesn't pull his weight?

If you earned double what he does you could pay for a housekeeper anyway I suppose or at least a cleaner a few days a week.

MamaMary Wed 28-Nov-12 13:15:56

oh, Zog, I think the real problem here is your OH. He sounds very controlling and unreasonable. There is no reason why you should put your health at risk again. That will be so detrimental to your family life and your relationship - and could eventually (or sooner) actually have an adverse effect on your job prospects if you get so run down/ depressed that you can't work at all.

A 3 hour commute sounds horrendous as well. And I doubt your OH will suddenly start to pull his weight with the housework.

OP, you need to get in control of your finances. Don't just take your OH's word for it that 'you will lose the house' or 'you will have to pay back maternity pay'. From what you have posted, I suspect both are untrue. If you were getting SMP, you don't have to pay that back. Please find out these things yourself and get some financial control and independence back.

MamaMary Wed 28-Nov-12 13:17:31

Xenia I think your posts are unhelpful and the OP has already said more than once that you don't seem to understand her situation.

ArtfulAardvark Wed 28-Nov-12 13:30:15

Bearing in mind your DH has a history of not pulling his weight what makes you think he is going to now, personally I am skeptical he is going to be quite as helpful as he says. My H ofen says "why shouldnt I be the one who stays at home, a valid point but would he do the cleaning, washing, help with homework? I am fairly sure not. I work at home so have some money coming in, I do in retrospect respect giving up my part time job but then my travel was 10 minutes and I liked my co-workers.

I think you need to sit down with pen and paper, work out your finances and decide where to go from there. Another thing to discuss is that if you are working and the children are ill it should not be expected that you are the one to let your employer down to care for them it will have to be a 50/50 split (again an area where I knew DH would not pull his weight)

The best scenario would be for you to find something closer to home then even if you were not majorly enamoured of your co-workers at least it is not taking over your whole life.

ZogandMog Wed 28-Nov-12 13:57:29

MamaMary- You are right. I definetly have to gain some more financial control and Independence. I think I just feel so overwhelmed by everything at the moment. I really thought I was escaping this situation but like you also said my OH is controlling and unreasonable at times.

ArtfulAardvark - I'm skeptical too but I guess this is where I have to make decisions. If he doesnt support me with these things then I will have to leave. I am definetly going to be applying for jobs continually to make sure that I am not in this position forever. I have also been planning to save when I can as a back up plan (I feel quite vulnerable at the moment and want to always be able to provide for the children).

lookingfoxy Wed 28-Nov-12 14:02:40

Your OH sounds very controlling and as if he is lying about the finances.
Have you checked out the link I posted yourself and put the figures in?
There is no way I would go back to a job that made me feel like that.
He says your going to lose the house but wants a new computer????

Xenia Wed 28-Nov-12 15:55:12

But we dont' all marry the awful sexist men like the Zog and Artful husbands;/ Thousands of men do as much if not more washing, shopping cooking and chilcdcare as full time working wives. I had a stage of not knowing how the washing machine worked as their father did all the washing. Why do some of these men not do as much as women and others do?

sweetkitty Wed 28-Nov-12 16:47:06

My DP came I to our relationship knowing nothing about how to keep a home, his own mother martyred herself in that she did everything for him (whilst complaining), he once told her he would do the hoovering to be told no you will only break it hmm. She even did things like his car tax etc. well I'm not his mother, he soon learned to iron, do washings etc. I don't get why having a penis means you can't work a washing machine. I simply refused to do it for him, we were both working FT at this point.

I'm a SAHM now and once he's home it's 50/50, I'll cook tonight hell clean up, well do a pick up each etc.

In getting back to your original post. I think you have to really sit own and work out the figures. When DD1 was born, I would have had a 14 hour day, 90 min commute each way and loads of overnight travel, I just didn't want her in nursery that amount of time, neither did DP. We moved from the SE to Scotland to afford to live on one salary. I've never regretted becoming a SAHM, I'm retraining next year though.

Personally I would give up work but look for something closer to home as soon as you can.

Letsmakecookies Thu 29-Nov-12 16:42:53

My advice to a younger me would be never ever to give up work for family life, or to help your partner's career.

By all means to look for a new job that suits you better, but stick to a constant career path. Because if the relationship doesn't work out, you are so much better off with your own income & savings. I will be drumming this into my daughter when she is old enough, that and having her own savings, and lots of other bits of worldly advice that does against the 'happy ever after fairy-tale'.

nkf Thu 29-Nov-12 16:52:13

Seriously? With a husband with those sort of pressuring ways, I'd be looking for promotion.

ZogandMog Mon 03-Dec-12 12:01:04

Thank you for everyone's replies and advice. I have taken everything on board and appreciate all comments as they have helped me to think about my options. I have asked MNHQ to delete the thread as I have spoken about these issues in too much detail. Thanks once again

MamaMary Mon 03-Dec-12 12:59:16

I hope you can come to a satisfactory agreement with your OH, Zog. Take care. xx

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