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2 year old DS starting nursery..how do I say bye bye!?

(27 Posts)
futurity Tue 06-Jan-04 20:20:39

We went to nursery today for the first time and I stayed with DS for the whole session. He seemed to enjoy it although having to sit at a table and have his drink like the other children was alien to him and he threw a huge tantrum. He totally ignored me when I asked him to sit down but the minute one of the carers asked him (in a nice way) he sat down! She said that is quite common (in that they ignore mum but "behave" at nursery!)

Anyway..I am waffling. I go again with him Thursday morning and expect I will stay with him for the session as he is clingy to me having not stayed with anyone else apart from me. The question I have is what do you do when you have to leave them (something I have not done before!

Most stuff I have read says "say bye bye and just leave" but just wanted to hear what others had done..what the best thing is to say etc. I expecting it will take along time to get him settled but watching him today take interest in the other children/toys/carers I can see how he will benefit in his confidence by attending and want to make the process as pleasing for him as possible.

themerrydoula Tue 06-Jan-04 20:32:26

Say bye bye and you leave - really .... the more anxious you are, the harder on BOTH of you. If he is unhappy - staff will call you.
Why don't you see it this way: he gets several hours of play with loads of new toys! Maybe a walk/play outside and he will quickly make friends...

Hulababy Tue 06-Jan-04 20:35:11

As themerrydoula says, best to make it simple and quick. It may feel like the hardest thing in the worlld when you o it but if there are any problems at all the nursery will call you. I am sure he will love it once he is used to it all and it my take much less time for him to do that than for you!

katierocket Tue 06-Jan-04 20:36:07

DS has been going since 6 months (3 days a week). goes through phases of being upset when i leave - be cheerful, give him a kiss and hug and then leave - don't prolong it if he is upset.

and get used to him doing things for nusery staff that he would never do for you/at home! I'm sure he'll love it.

suzywong Tue 06-Jan-04 20:37:11

Mine starts on Thursday, I shall stay for one session and then I expect he'll be begging me to so he can go about his business with his new mates by Friday! I will be the clingy one.
Good job I've got his baby brother to clutch

Slinky Tue 06-Jan-04 20:53:36

As the others said, be confident, quick and then leave. Even if he is crying, don't dither about - the nursery staff will pick him up for cuddles.

I have seen children crying their hearts out when parents leave - and then stop the minute they've gone (my DS one of them!). Quite often the child has stopped crying by the time mum is in the car and I'm running across the car park to reassure her that all is well.

sobernow Tue 06-Jan-04 21:01:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mum28 Tue 06-Jan-04 21:04:25

the first time dd went to nursery i stayed with her for the first session.next time i went in the room with her,had a look at some of the toys and activities with her then as soon as she looked happy i started to leave the room.she gave me a look as if to say `why are you leaving me here?'but apart from that she was fine.i just make sure she /he looks settled a quick kiss or hug,then say bye see you later.

futurity Tue 06-Jan-04 22:04:50

Thanks for all your reassuring comments. I know the key thing is to be confident and not to let my immense anxious thoughts come across to him as he is very good at picking up on them. (EG: every time my DH and I have gone out in the evening DS has known and not settled that night..without fail! Needless to say we haven't been out much since he was born!...another New Year Resolution to resolve!)

twiglett Tue 06-Jan-04 22:17:33

message withdrawn

JanH Tue 06-Jan-04 22:23:01

The main thing is, whatever else you do, don't sneak out when he seems settled. Always say goodbye (and "Mummy will be back in a little while" ), even if he then howls and you feel awful leaving - at least he knows that you've gone and that he can trust you to be open with him. (Speaking from bitter experience here!) And agree with Twiglett that, having said goodbye, you should just *go* - don't hang around looking concerned.

Good luck - it's worse for you than for him - honest!

FairyMum Wed 07-Jan-04 07:16:43

Cheerful and confident Bye-Bye and have a fun day. He'll be fine once you're gone

Good luck!

SoupDragon Wed 07-Jan-04 08:09:36

<<whispers>> I never stayed with either of mine when they started nursery at 2.

I advocate a cheerful "bye bye! See you later" a big hug and then hand them over into the care of a member of staff.

Batters Wed 07-Jan-04 10:34:19

Soupy - exactly my experience and advice.

One of my bfs was discussing how many sessions to stay with her dd (some of the parents at her nursery stay for weeks and weeks) and looked unbelievingly at me when I told her I stayed about 2 mins. My dd loved nursery from the start, she NEVER cried going in, although on occasion asked me to leave her for a while longer if I turned up early to collect her.

sobernow Wed 07-Jan-04 10:39:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

traceyshep Wed 07-Jan-04 11:10:09

My DD has just started nursery today (she's 6 months). It was a bit strange leaving her there, but I just said bye bye and left after a few mins. She seemed fine, we have done a couple of trial sessions to try and prepare her! I am not at work today so will collect her a bit early. I am going to clean my house in the meantime!!

handlemecarefully Wed 07-Jan-04 11:10:44

My dd always cries and clings when I go - but both the nursery staff at her Day Nursery and the creche staff at the gym say that this lasts all of 2 minutes and then she is totally fine. The acid test for me is that I never arrive at Nursery to collect her to find a morose or tearful child; when I go to collect her I generally find her absorbed in some task or other.

I would also advocate the cheery goodbye see you later approach, rather than a painful lingering and slow departure!

futurity Wed 07-Jan-04 13:04:07

We go again tomorrow and my friend whose DD started the same day is going to leave her. However her DD is used to being left as she goes to church and there is a creche there so my friend has explained that it is like creche and that she will be back to pick her up. I think she will be ok as being left won't be new to her..unlike my DS!. Haven't decided what I am going to do yet..I think I may stay for the session as they recommend 1 or 2 settling sessions. I am practicing my cheery smile in preparation though!!

motherinferior Wed 07-Jan-04 13:21:44

Mine started at her own at preschool this week - couple of sessions at the moment - and apparently acted as if she'd been going all her life. SHe does go to playgroup every day with her childminder, though.

LIZS Wed 07-Jan-04 13:25:51

dd started at playgroup in October. For the first session I stayed about an hour whilst the other children came in and settled, so she saw the other mums come and go. Then after I left making it quite a decisive "mummy is going shopping and will come back later" - she sat on a sofa and cried for about 15 minutes. She asked for a drink and was told she could have one but would need to stop crying, which she promptly did. I had deliberately stayed quite close by and received a phone call about 20 mins after I had left to tell me she was fine. Second time, she cried on my leaving (stayed whilst others arrived) but was happily distracted after 2 minutes - I had barely got in the car and driven around the corner when my phone rang. After that no problems until her first session this term where she didn't want me to go but only cried a short time after I had. Today, no trouble at all.

I think it partly depends upon your own confidence in the caregiver to be honest and let you know if there is a real problem. dd still won't stay anywhere else and I feel I have to respect that until she is a little older at least.

Could you stay for a while tomorrow and leave for say 1/2 hour so that he realises you won't be able to stay each time ? If you can tell him that mummy will be back after, say, snack time and songs, it will help give him some sense of sequence of events, then the nursery worker can repeat this to him if he gets anxious. Also our kids find it easier to accept that we will at work or shopping than if they think they are missing out on something exciting.

good luck

futurity Wed 07-Jan-04 13:28:50

Thats a good idea LIZS about leaving for half an hour tomorrow. It was something I was considering as a possibilty. Also agree about telling him that I am off to do something "boring". My friend, who i mentioned earlier, is going to say she is off to do ironing!!

futurity Thu 08-Jan-04 13:29:40

Update: Left him for 45 minutes and he was fine!!

Well..when I say left him I was still in the building just in case! Waited until he was having drink and toast and then said "mummy just popping out..be back later" and went. Apparently they finished food and had a story and then went into the big room to play on cars and he was fine. I peaked and saw him on a car and could hear the carers calling to him but despite it being quite manic he was ok. I then joined them back in his room and expected a big smile and reunion and nothing..he hardly noticed me!!

So next step will be Tuesday and leaving him a bit longer. I do wonder whether he was only alright because one of my friends was there doing her initial session with her DS and that he was reassured as he knows her already. Saying that a DD of another friend who left for the first time whilst I was there didn't really latch to me after her Mum was gone as there was so much for her to do.

Thanks for all your help..will keep you posted next week!

futurity Tue 13-Jan-04 10:28:28

Update: I am here by myself!! Dropped him off this morning..stayed for about 5 mins but he was already playing with his keyworker lady and she dropped massive hints that perhaps I should go so I did! I gave him a kiss and said bye and off I went.

So what have I done whilst having the time and space...hoovered the whole house!!!

futurity Thu 15-Jan-04 13:09:09

Well first whole morning today..he was there from 9 until 12 and they said he was fine..no crying or upsets at all. He did huge poo though (tee hee! I knew he was going to do it at nursery as he didn't do it before he went..nice to have someone else change him for once!)

LIZS Thu 15-Jan-04 13:13:45

Well done, really pleased it is working out for you.

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