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Guilty&confused.

(11 Posts)
MumtoAvaQuaverx Thu 18-Oct-12 00:06:03

My daughter is just coming upto 2 and I'm starting a new full time job next week. I feel so guilty as I don't feel like I'm going to be seeing her through the week. She will be going to crèche 3 days and with my mum for the other 2 and its a 9-5 job. I just wondered if anyone else had gone full time and had any advice or tips? Other people around me have children the same age and they haven't returned to work so I feel in the wrong. So confused :/ x

bramblina Thu 18-Oct-12 00:09:26

Do you have to work?

MumtoAvaQuaverx Thu 18-Oct-12 00:14:35

Yes - Me and my partner are getting by but only just. And the job is an amazing one which I would struggle to find another like on the future.

Thorpster Thu 18-Oct-12 15:21:32

Hi there, if it makes you feel any better many of the mums I know went back to work when their DC was only 6 months old.
I am sure you and your daughter have a wonderful bond from the time you have already spent together and although you may both find it tricky to begin with you will soon find ways to make the time you spend together extra special.
You will probably find it quite tiring going back to work initially (I know I did) but I found if I came in form work and kept my energy high for 'mummy' time and collapsed later.
Your daughter will probably enjoy telling you all the things she's been up to whilst you've been at work.
I think its really healthy for children to be able to form bonds of trust with other carers. Your daughter will have a fantastic relationship with your mum and will make lots of friends at creche. It will also help her increase her self esteem and independance which will in turn help when she goes to school.

Also you say the job is amazing so enjoy the opportunity of doing something you enjoy and also think what a great role model you are being for your daughter and hopefully the extra income will make a difference too.

Good luck, I hope the job goes well. Emily x

bramblina Thu 18-Oct-12 22:01:14

Mumtoava, don't feel guilty then, as it isn't an option. I believe guilt comes from something you do where you have a choice in doing it or not but it sounds like your hands are tied.

I have not worked since I had ds 7 yrs ago (self employed for 6 yrs so do paperwork in evenings) and although I would not change it for the world, I see Mums who work and they have a freshness about themselves when they are with their dcs that I don't think I have. I am exhausted and by 6pm sometimes have had enough of the whining or arguing or mess or being ignored etc etc need I say more....I have barely left my children overnight- I've been to 2 hen nights away (1 night each) and 2 weddings with dh, and when I come home to the kids all I want to do is sit with them and talk and listen, as opposed to the days when I've been here all day sometimes I feel I don't give them the attention, calmness, etc they deserve...? My dh works abroad 4-5 days a week so I am sole parenting, perhaps this increses the way I feel. I feel guilty for not cherishing every second I have with them whereas if I worked and just came home at 5.20pm I think I would be quite a different person to them. This sounds awful now writing this down, I adore my children and do cherish all that we do together but I'm just saying perhaps you should view it in a different light and make the absolute most of every minute you have with your dd and it may just be a good thing, you never know. As the previous poster said you are fortunate to have had 2 full years with her compared to most 6m mat leave. Plus, you are aware of this situation where some parents don't seem to give 2 hoots and just farm their kids out asap....give yourself a break, you're doing it for everyone's benefit and you have the option to make it a wonderful thing.

smile

MumtoAvaQuaverx Thu 18-Oct-12 23:40:25

I'm new to this site so i'm not sure on all the little codes on here. (I'm sure i'll grasp them soon enough!!)

Thorpster - I've already started looking at places we can go away on the weekends to make up for me not seeing her as much during the weekdays and i am still going to see her in the nights. I'm knackered already just thinking about going back to work and then switching back to mummy mode!
My daughter goes to creche for one day a week and the difference in her after that one day is mad so i think she would benefit from going more often.

How long was it until you had gone back to work? x

Bramblina - Yes i agree that guilt is from want not need.
I completely understand what you mean, by early evening i'm sometimes wishing bedtime to hurry up! Even tho i love Ava to pieces i do get dragged down every day by the same routine, As i said she goes to creche once a week and after i pick her up from creche i'm so happy to see her that i do notice i act differently with her. She will love being in creche more often, i don't even get a back glance when shes through the door! It's good to see different points of view and as i've read this its actually calmed me a little and reassured me that maybe its not going to be THAT bad. So thank you smile x

ZenNudist Thu 18-Oct-12 23:50:52

I went back 4 days/ wk when ds was 1. Now he is 2 and I'm about to start job that is more commitment to impress and do good job. Like you I worry that I won't see enough of ds. Also worry that the days I have to do pick up tea bath bed will be really hard to pick up work later. I still am going to do it as I need work and home life to feel balanced. I am a different mum when I work, some parts are worse ( late pick ups) less time with ds. Some things are better (less frazzled, get more out if the time we spend together). Working also improves my relationship with dh as I don't feel resentful or have as much time to get het up about things he hasnt done!

Don't waste energy feeling guilty. Men never do! Working til 5 still gives you evenings and weekends with dc. Enjoy the time you have don't worry about the times you don't have.

mrsmplus3 Fri 19-Oct-12 00:06:11

I'm in the same position and pretty gutted but needs must. It's late just now so ill come on tomorrow to share/advise.smile

mrsmplus3 Fri 19-Oct-12 21:14:43

If you need to work, you need to work. I am ft now cause we need the money, bottom line. I would much rather be part time like I used to be- perfect balance.
So once you've got your head round it you should try and maximise your time with your daughter. This is what I do, for example. Get up before the kids every morning and once I've had my coffee to wake up I try and make the morning as pleasant as possible: make them all a decent breakfast, chat while I do my daughters hair, make my son a nice packed lunch with stuff he likes in it etc.
I don't go into work early and I don't stay late, i just work really hard when I'm there and often through my lunch. When I get in I collapse on the couch and just chill for a bit with my kids before homework/dinner then we chill again after dinner. Once I've done their teeth etc I read them a story (albeit half arsed cause I'm done in by that time) and kiss and hug them for about 5 mins in their bed. Other things we do to get through the week is sometimes talk about what were going to do that weekend, to give them something to look forward to. Em, that all j can think of just now. Hope it helps. As long as she's with people you trust then everything will be absolutely fine. The only person that might suffer is you do make sure you get your rest, baths, gym, whatever chills you out. One other thing we do is treat the week like we're all in it together- we all need to work hard, that's life now. Kids too, at school. If nothing else you will pass on a work ethic and that is something to be proud of.
I'm not sure if I'm advising you or trying to convince myself! grin
I am still at the upset stage that I'm having to work ft sad but trying to look st the positives smile. My youngest is 4. And at least your daughter is going to be with granny twice a week! That's great. I always feel for the babies in nursery 5 days a week, I had to do that for a while with my son, deeply regret that. Anyway, I'm babbling now.
Take care and good luck. Just be organised and you'll be fine. smile

jaabaar Tue 23-Oct-12 16:34:34

Hi

I had to go back to work after one year maternity leave.
It broke my heart that I had to hand her over to "strangers" at the nursery!
I would SO have preferred to stay at home!

However! - However! My DD enjoys the nursery soooo much! She learned so much and enjoys playing wiht her friends! I am of course lucky to have an excellent nursery!

So now I am being made redundant and my worry is how am I going to pay nursery so my DD can continue enjoying herself ( I was working only 3.5 days though).

It will be fine! Observe your child, see if he/she is happy! they usually enjoy!

x

notcitrus Tue 23-Oct-12 17:03:34

I found the walk to nursery and back was the best bit of the day, chatting to ds, and was quite happy for them to deal with a stroppy toddler in between (and I still got the getting up and bedtime routines so didn't miss out on strops!)
At 2 he could start to tell me about his day (or his imagination...) and chat about everything he could see on the way to/from nursery. Did you know petrol caps come in circles, rectangles and ovals?

She'll be fine. Try to do all your housework etc on one day and have at least one weekend day for fun, and you'll be fine too. smile

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